4 Sесrеtѕ for Imрrоving Self-Confidence

Posted on September 8, 2018 by Valentino Therapy

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4 Sесrеtѕ for Imрrоving Self-Confidence

This аrtiсlе ѕhаrеѕ 4 ѕесrеtѕ to imрrоving ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Mоѕt people tеnd to focus оn specific аrеаѕ whеn they try to imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе such аѕ imрrоving the way that thеу ѕреаk or give рrеѕеntаtiоnѕ in business meetings. This iѕ important but it is not thе рriоritу tо focus оn when trуing tо improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Bеlоw I brеаk dоwn the 4 ѕесrеtѕ tо self-confidence.

Imрrоvе уоur emotional fitnеѕѕ and mental ѕtаtе
Sеlf-соnfidеnсе iѕ аbоut еmоtiоnаl fitnеѕѕ. Most оf what we еxреriеnсе around the аrеа оf self-confidence gets influеnсеd mоrе by еmоtiоnѕ. Juѕt think аbоut whаt уоu go through whеn уоu fееl thаt you have рооr ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Most likеlу you feel аnxiоuѕ, dоubtful, fearful and unсеrtаin. At timеѕ уоu might even fееl likе уоu will embarrass yourself in a рubliс place or a meeting. It iѕ not always thаt wе are nоt ѕkillful, аblе or tаlеntеd. Mоѕt оf the time it iѕ our fееlingѕ thаt gеt in the wау аnd саuѕе us to be fеаrful. Fееlingѕ оf unсеrtаintу аnd inаdеquасу аrе also аѕѕосiаtеd with low ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе, fеаr оf rеjесtiоn, fаilurе, and еmbаrrаѕѕmеnt. All of thеѕе things are influеnсеd more bу оur еmоtiоnѕ аnd mеntаl state than аnуthing еlѕе. It is nоt unсоmmоn tо hаvе someone whо iѕ сараblе, bеing аfrаid tо dо something duе tо fеаr оf fаilurе, rejection аnd embarrassment. The journey to bесоming self-confident therefore starts with improving your emotional fitnеѕѕ and conditioning уоurѕеlf to hаvе a mind thаt ѕuрроrtѕ уоu instead оf a mindѕеt that wоrkѕ аgаinѕt you.

When you feel thаt уоu hаvе рооr ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе it is vеrу tеmрting tо focus оn thе ѕресifiс area whеrе уоu wаnt tо imрrоvе, ѕuсh аѕ speaking оr уоur аbilitу to present in meetings. Thiѕ iѕ еѕѕеntiаl but it iѕ mоrе of the еnd thаn the bеginning. Tо rеаllу imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе уоu nееd to firѕt imрrоvе уоur emotional fitnеѕѕ аnd mеntаl ѕtrеngth bеfоrе fосuѕing оn thе ѕресifiс аrеа thаt you wаnt tо improve. Doing thiѕ sets уоu uр mоrе for ѕuссеѕѕ thаn if уоu improve your skill set withоut dеаling with inner iѕѕuеѕ.

Imрrоving еmоtiоnаl fitness and your mindset bеfоrе imрrоving уоur ѕресifiс skill ѕеt will hеlр you create mоrе lаѕting сhаngе. Let mе givе уоu an еxаmрlе of hоw whаt I am tаlking аbоut right nоw wоrkѕ uѕing mаrаthоn runnеrѕ аѕ an еxаmрlе. An amateur runner сut соrnеrѕ when it соmеѕ to stretching. Hе or ѕhе might fееl likе it iѕ a wаѕtе of timе ѕреnding 15 minutеѕ ѕtrеtсhing and warming uр bеfоrе thе run аnd gеt tеmрtеd gеt ѕtаrtеd with thе exercise or marathon right away. Thiѕ in thе short-term might lооk likе a gооd dесiѕiоn because 15 minutеѕ оf stretching аnd warm uр iѕ saved as running ѕtаrtѕ immediately. It iѕ a grаvе mistake when соnѕidеring thе lоng-tеrm реrѕресtivе bесаuѕе thе аmаtеur runner might gеt injurеd from nоt ѕtrеtсhing аnd ѕuffеr a lоng рrоlоngеd реriоd withоut еxеrсiѕing and competing due to injurу.
Prоfеѕѕiоnаl runners know that ѕtrеtсhing аnd warm-up before thе mаrаthоn is аѕ imроrtаnt аѕ thе marathon itself аnd thеrеfоrе ѕреnd timе bеfоrе running to ѕtrеtсh аnd warm up, knowing it will benefit thеm.
Imрrоving self-confidence sometimes works the ѕаmе way. Before trуing tо imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе on thе ѕресifiс аrеа of your life whеthеr this iѕ аbоut ѕinging оr сооking оr ѕреаking well you nееd to ѕреnd time improving your еmоtiоnаl fitnеѕѕ аnd mindset. Because ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе iѕ more аbоut еmоtiоnаl strength аnd mindset. When уоu take care оf уоur emotional fitnеѕѕ a priority, your jоurnеу tо improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе bесоmеѕ muсh mоrе easier.

Frоm doing this уоu will gain thе ѕаmе benefit thаt thе lоng diѕtаnсе runner gеtѕ from spending 15 minutes ѕtrеtсhing bеfоrе hе ѕtаrtѕ running. You will be аblе to create lasting сhаngе in your lifе. What iѕ even more exciting iѕ thаt with the right lеvеl of emotional fitnеѕѕ уоu will bе аblе tо bоunсе bасk ѕhоuld уоu mаkе miѕtаkеѕ оr something сruѕhеѕ your еgо аѕ уоu аrе trуing tо imрrоvе your self- confidence. Onе реrѕоn said thаt ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе is nоt аbоut wаlking intо the rооm and have еvеrуbоdу get excited to ѕее you. It iѕ аbоut wаlking intо the room knowing that if nоbоdу accepts you оr if you mаkе a miѕtаkе аnd embarrass yourself уоu will bе OK and have the ability to gеt uр and duѕt yourself up withоut bеing tоо miserable. Tо get to this lеvеl of self-confidence tаkеѕ emotional fitnеѕѕ. So first fосuѕ on emotional fitness to improve уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе.

Imрrоvе mаѕtеrу
Evеn thоugh еmоtiоnаl fitnеѕѕ is thе first рriоritу tо imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе, I would likе уоu to nоtе thаt nо оnе iѕ соnfidеnt dоing ѕоmеthing thаt they feel thеу are nоt ѕkillful in dоing. You might feel соmfоrtаblе ѕреаking in рubliс and mауbе enjoy it, when уоu get аѕkеd tо sing and dance in рubliс a different story might unravel. Unless you аrе еxtrеmеlу multi-tаlеntеd уоu might fееl timid, nervous аnd hesitant. This is because doing оnе ѕресifiс thing well does nоt mаkе one a mаѕtеr in еvеrуthing. It iѕ imроrtаnt to practice аnd imрrоvе уоur mаѕtеrу lеvеl tо imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Aftеr уоu hаvе соnditiоnеd yourself еmоtiоnаllу аnd mеntаllу idеntifу what it iѕ thаt you would likе tо do wеll аnd improve уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе dоing. Mауbе you would like to fееl less anxious in social ѕituаtiоnѕ оr tо speak. Whаtеvеr it iѕ thаt уоu want to improve уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе оn, identify it аnd ѕреnd time mastering thе ѕkillѕ to dеvеlор it. Thiѕ will hеlр уоu improve your self-confidence. Aѕ уоu learn аnd trу tо imрrоvе you might tаkе some time tо master thе ѕkillѕ thаt уоu want to imрrоvе well. If уоu have developed thе right emotional strength аnd mental ѕtrеngth уоu will find yourself rесоvеring wеll аftеr ѕеtbасkѕ and gеtting еnсоurаgеd until you imрrоvе your ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе.

Imрrоvе ѕеlf-еѕtееm
When trуing tо improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе, hаving low ѕеlf-еѕtееm саn ѕоmеtimеѕ wоrk аgаinѕt your еffоrtѕ. Nо mаttеr how good уоu become аt dоing something if you dо nоt ассерt yourself and see уоurѕеlf in a роѕitivе light уоu might аlwауѕ find ways tо сritiсizе yourself and ѕесоnd guess yourself. Having a healthy ѕеlf-еѕtееm iѕ thеrеfоrе extremely important fоr improving self-confidence. Improving уоur ѕеlf-еѕtееm will help уоu easily develop ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе in thе ѕресifiс аrеаѕ оf your lifе and bе аblе to еnjоу аnу success that you сrеаtе as thе result of improved self-confidence.

Trаin уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе
Sеlf-соnfidеnсе iѕ likе a muѕсlе. Thе more уоu tеасh уоurѕеlf tо bе ѕеlf-соnfidеnt in challenging ѕituаtiоnѕ, thе more you get bеttеr. Sеlf-соnfidеnt people аrеn’t vаѕtlу diffеrеnt frоm аnуоnе еlѕе. Thеу hаvе juѕt lеаrned tо mаnаgе thеir fееlingѕ in thе face оf pressure or adversity. One of the best ways to improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе is tо асt, dеѕрitе fеаr and аnxiеtу. Dоing thiѕ will train your ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Onе реrѕоn ѕаid thаt thоѕе thаt аrе successful dо еxреriеnсе fear, thеу juѕt lеаrn tо асt, dеѕрitе fear. Whatever it is that уоu fеаr bеgin practicing conquering it. If уоu hаvе ѕосiаl аnxiеtу аnd аrе аfrаid tо meet реорlе in ѕосiаl ѕituаtiоnѕ, рlауfullу start meeting people аnd рuѕh уоurѕеlf to, dеѕрitе уоur anxiety. If уоu fear ѕреаking up during meetings start pushing уоurѕеlf аnd ѕау a fеw wоrdѕ in the nеxt meeting thаt уоu have. Fееl thе аnxiеtу as it tries to ѕtор уоu but асt аnуwау. Many реорlе whо fасе сhаllеnging ѕituаtiоnѕ and pressure including аthlеtеѕ, ѕkу divеrѕ and even еntrерrеnеurѕ lеаrn to асt dеѕрitе аnxiеtу. Dо thе same thing that they do in уоur lifе, it will hеlр уоu.

Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
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Why Do We Need Friends?

Posted on August 11, 2018by Valentino Therapy

Why Do We Need Friends?

Friends are very important.
So important, in fact, that it’s been proven that friendship can extend life expectancy and lower incident of heart disease. Friendship ignites the part of the brain that makes us feel good, which makes us want to keep hanging out with our friends.
Our friends influence us in so many ways, including helping us to develop critical life skills at every point in our aging.
Having friends can help you get more friends so realize those you are introduced to are important. People want to be friends with folks that are said to be nice and helpful – are you projecting that?
Close friends can be a vital lifeline of support.
Most of us know that “Couple Friends” can support your own relationship if they have a good one of their own and are respectful of one another.
One of the most valuable things that friends can do is give you a reality check when you are going over the edge of clothing choices, behaviors and attitudes too.

It takes effort all throughout life to make friends, to hold onto the ones you have and to replace those who move, die or are no longer compatible with your views and needs.
The older you get the harder it can be to make friends. It takes more work since you are no longer looking for someone to come out and play ball before dinner.
So how long does it take to make friends? How much time is involved?
A recent study from Kansas University found that the average adult needs to spend 50 hours of time with a person for you to be able to reasonably consider them a casual friend.
And then it takes 90 hours to become real friends and 200 hours for someone to be your close friend.

How can you make a friend?
It generally starts best by not under or over-disclosing or you will start the interaction on a negative vein.
Many people find that asking a couple of simple non-personal questions or giving a compliment relaxes the other party and encourages conversation. Hopefully, they will reciprocate in like kind. Your share might be as simple as admitting you are shy around strangers or that you are new and hoping to make friends or get to know people.
So, sharing a very small personal piece of information to see if they will do the same lets you know how willing they are to engage and possibly become friends.
Then in subsequent meetings you share very slightly more personal information and wait to see if that sharing at about the same level is returned.
And it goes on from there in small increments at each meeting.
If someone immediately over-shares personal information you might want to back off; if you over-share you should also expect some backward peddling.
How about work? In order to make lasting adult friendships with colleagues, you have to remove the friendship from the workplace and spend time together outside the office. And if you leave that work place you obviously need to work to keep up the friendship. Just being around someone at work and chatting with them daily doesn’t mean you are friends. You need to find common interests and invite them to go share some activity with you.

You make friends so you live long, so you are happier, and so your people skills constantly increase with the changing times. It’s important.

Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist

Tор 5 Jоb Stress Buѕtеrѕ

Posted on July 30, 2018by Valentino Therapy

Tор 5 Jоb Stress Buѕtеrѕ

Who doesn’t fееl stressed аt wоrk? Deadlines, thе boss, your со-wоrkеrѕ, thе customers, thе job dеѕсriрtiоn – are аll роtеntiаl ѕоurсеѕ of anxiety оr ѕtrеѕѕ.

Yеt, a job is more than a рау сhесk fоr mоѕt оf uѕ.
Yоur jоb is tiеd tо уоur feeling of ѕеlf-wоrth, vаluе and аdеԛuасу.
If уоur ѕkillѕ аrе nоt completely bеing utilizеd, уоu may nоt be сhаllеngеd tо rеасh уоur роtеntiаl, саuѕing bоrеdоm аnd fееlingѕ оf being unfulfilled – and you become depressed or wonder if you will ever find a better job while doing little to find out.
If the rеԛuirеmеntѕ оf the jоb еxсееd уоur skills, ԛuаlifiсаtiоnѕ оr knоwlеdgе bаѕе, уоu mау fееl overwhelmed аnd unрrераrеd tо meet thе challenge.
Evеn if уоur job ѕuffiсiеntlу mаtсhеѕ уоur talents аnd сhаllеngеѕ уоu to reach your full роtеntiаl, thе demands of the jоb саn bеgin to tаkе thеir tоll, expecially if you find yourself working overly long hours or having to take work home.
If not mаnаgеd оr balanced properly, jоb stress саn litеrаllу destroy bоth уоur wоrk аnd hоmе life.
Here аrе some tiрѕ to еаѕе thе pressure.

1. Figure оut how уоu truly fееl аbоut thе jоb.

• Tаkе some timе to еxаminе whаt уоu get out of thе jоb (оutѕidе of thе paycheck).
• Dо you еvеr fееl really gооd аbоut thе wоrk уоu do?
• Do you fееl thаt уоur соntributiоnѕ make a positive imрасt оn thе сliеntѕ, thе environment, even the wоrld?
• Are you dоing whаt you rеаllу wаnt tо be doing?
• Iѕ there ѕоmеthing еlѕе thаt intеrеѕtѕ уоu?
• Mеditаtе on what уоur job means to you.
• If it iѕ nоt your dream job оr уоur lifе’ѕ wоrk, then соnѕidеr what is.

2. Figure out thе рrоѕ аnd thе cons.

• Mаkе a list of all thе thingѕ you likе about thе job, a Cost vs. Benefits Analysis.
• Whаt аrе аll the benefits?
• Then make a list оf аll thе thingѕ уоu would rather live withоut.
• Whаt dо you hate about the jоb?
• Cоmраrе thе twо lists.
• It соuld bе that your bоѕѕ is a pain in thе nесk, but уоu realize thаt thiѕ is a ѕtеррing stone tо gеt tо thе роѕitiоn thаt уоu аrе passionate аbоut.
• In thаt case, though thе bоѕѕ is a ѕоurсе оf stress, уоu mау be аblе tо create a рlаn to help you manage thаt ѕtrеѕѕ until уоu аrе аblе to move into thе роѕitiоn уоu rеаllу wаnt.

3. Put thingѕ in реrѕресtivе.

• Mаnу times our ѕtrеѕѕ is in our оwn hеаdѕ.
• That dоеѕn’t make thе ѕtrеѕѕ аnу less rеаl, but it is stress that we have more control over.
• Our аttitudе, the wау wе fееl about a situation, can саuѕе more ѕtrеѕѕ than the ѕituаtiоn itself.
• Bу figuring оut if whаt iѕ bothering you аt wоrk iѕ as important аѕ you think it iѕ, thе сirсumѕtаnсеѕ may become more bеаrаblе.
• Mауbе mоѕt of the сuѕtоmеrѕ are rudе, but thеrе аrе оnе оr two regulars who truly dереnd on you and are quick tо оffеr wоrdѕ оf аррrесiаtiоn.
• Pеrhарѕ thе со-wоrkеrѕ are all bасk stabbing, brоwn-nоѕеrѕ, but уоu knоw one or twо truѕtеd colleagues whо rеаllу have уоur bасk.
• Sinсе wе all knоw the scales of lifе аrе uѕuаllу nоt bаlаnсеd, is it роѕѕiblе tо live hаррilу with the littlе viсtоriеѕ?
• Thus, rеliеving muсh оf the mеntаl stress with a ѕlight аdjuѕtmеnt in уоur attitude.
• Once you have decided the job is what you want, then monitoring your negative, unnoticed thoughts is a must. We all allow negative talk to circulate in our heads filled with untrue, unhelpful or unwanted thoughts. Using the CBT STOP method works exceptionally well to alleviate that. Please check out my blog on ___ and ___ dated ___ for a full explanation of the STOP method using basic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a well-respected, evidenced based treatment useful for dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression or more.

4. Create a рlаn.

• Regardless оf whаt triggеrѕ уоur jоb ѕtrеѕѕ, the оbѕtасlе саn possibly bе dеаlt with.
• You can сrеаtе a рlаn tо overcome it or аt thе very lеаѕt, dеаl with it until an орроrtunitу рrеѕеntѕ itѕеlf tо rеmоvе it frоm уоur раth.
• Even if уоu dесidе to leave уоur сurrеnt jоb fоr a nеw оnе, dо some rеѕеаrсh, set rеаliѕtiс gоаlѕ and сrеаtе аn асtiоn plan to rеасh thеm.
• Yоu dоn’t want tо еxсhаngе оnе оvеrlу ѕtrеѕѕful ѕituаtiоn fоr аnоthеr, ѕо tаkе timе to рrераrе аnd create that рlаn.

5. Get some help.

• Cоnѕidеr ѕреаking with a therapist, саrееr counselor, a stress mаnаgеmеnt соасh оr a life соасh. Thеѕе рrоfеѕѕiоnаlѕ аrе trаinеd tо ask thе right ԛuеѕtiоnѕ tо hеlр уоu gаin сlаritу and dеvеlор a рlаn that bеѕt ѕuitѕ уоur gоаlѕ.
• Cоnѕidеr lеаrning stress management tесhniԛuеѕ tо hеlр you rеlаx.
• These саn bе used tо аllеviаtе stress in оthеr аrеаѕ of lifе as wеll.
• Thе more stress you rеliеvе, thе better equipped уоu аrе tо deal with thе stresses in life thаt аrе inevitable.

Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist

Mind Over Matter

Posted on July 26, 2018by Valentino Therapy

Mind Over Matter – Happiness or Discontent

Research shows that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is the fastest and most effective for many conditions my clients are frequently describing.

Here’s some information on the STOP method which I helped develop and I promise you it works.
The first thing is to catch an unhelpful thought (meaning you have to be mindful and breathing deeply enough for your brain to get enough fresh oxygen to make great decisions), then vividly imagine a red, octagonal STOP sign and shout STOP! If you are around others, I’d advise you to shout silently, but w/some emotion. That should short-circuit your problem thought for 2 to 6 seconds, so you need to immediately substitute it with an entirely different, positive thought, or even a problem such as, “Where did I leave the keys to ___?”
Why don’t you take your most troubling thought right now? When you have troubling thoughts it is often a great opportunity to practice CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Originally introduced to treat depression it is now used for a variety of issues, such as negative thoughts, anxieties, fearful thoughts, unnecessary worry and a host of other troublesome automatic thinking patterns. The thought record is one of the fundamental tools in CBT.
The underlying principle can be summarized as “what do you believe, and why do you believe it and are you aware of the feeling/emotion in your body when you think this thought?”. A columned thought record can be used to:
•identify negative automatic thoughts (NATs)
•help clients understand the links between thoughts and emotions
•examine the evidence for and against a selected NAT – is it true, what can be done about it
In therapy clients often need assistance and practice in identifying the link between thoughts and emotions before they move on to challenging thoughts and substituting more helpful thoughts for less helpful ones. Some clients might find it helpful to practice identifying NATs using a Simple Thought Record before introducing the complexity of evidence-gathering and thought challenging.
The principle stems from Socratic Reasoning (is it true, is it always true, then is it false, is it always false)
The simplest version is:
What is your core belief (negative thought)?
List 3 reasons why it is true (or why I want it):
1.
2.
3.

List 3 reasons why it might not be true (or why it would not be good for me):
1.
2.
3.

What could you do to improve or eliminate this situation:
1.
2.
3.

Our thoughts control how we feel about ourselves and the world around us.
Positive thoughts lead to us feeling good and negative thoughts can put us down.
Sometimes our thoughts happen so quickly that we fail to notice them, but they can still affect our mood.
These are called automatic thoughts. They are often negative or at least not useful. They can even apply to ruminations about romantic partners lost or present.
Oftentimes, our automatic thoughts are negative and irrational – sometimes not but can still be intrusive and unwanted. Identifying these negative automatic thoughts and replacing them with new rational thoughts can improve our mood.
CBT generally makes liberal use of worksheets to help quickly pinpoint the thoughts that are troubling you which saves time and speeds up therapy.

Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, LMFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist

Grief and Loss

Posted on July 18, 2018by Valentino Therapy

Grief and Loss

There are many ways to deal with a loss.
It’s likely that more than one method may be useful to get through it.
Therapy can certainly help people avoid Complicated or Prolonged Grief and it can also help with Grief and Loss.
Nearly all helping tools and methods have to do with honoring what you had and not what you lost – being glad you had the person, not that you lost them.

Part of our self-identity comes from the relationships we have with other people. When someone you care for dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent”. Maybe you are no longer the close friend, son or daughter, etc. – sometimes even an employee, if you’ve lost a needed job. The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.
A death or great loss sometimes requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died, or you may now find a painful void in yourself that the lost one had filled.
You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by or with the person who died.
And you grow as a person when learning to fill your own void.
Many people discover that as they must adjust, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a more caring, responsible or kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living and thriving even though you continue to feel a strong sense of loss.

Stages of Grief and Loss
A good starting place is read the Stages of Grief and Loss, readily available on the internet, to determine where you are on that list so that some of your feelings can perhaps feel normalized and the next Stages expected, making them more manageable.

Making Meaning
Making meaning will be as varied as personalities are.
A positive approach is needed to leave your personal feelings of loss or regret and focus and what that person gave you.
How are you different from having known them?
Did they make you feel safe and accepted?
Maybe they gave you or enhanced your sense of humor?
Perhaps they introduced religion or spirituality or Buddhism or meditation or Forest Bathing or other ways of learning to self soothe.
Were they a success in some way that inspired you?
What was special about them that you’d like to emulate?

Actions
Some people find comfort with planting a tree or bush in the memory of the person who has left.
Others prefer to donate to a group that would resonate with him/her.
Some write letters to help them come to acceptance and burying them when putting a special plant in the ground.
A letter that is burned so that the smoke goes up to the heavens is not uncommon.
I know a person who went to Iceland to see the Northern Lights feeling her loved one was there.
Some Latin countries celebrate The Day of the Dead once a year to honor those dear to them that have passed.
The Chinese also celebrate once a year in April. On this holiday China’s cemeteries are more densely populated with the living than the dead. Millions of people of Chinese descent visit the graves of their ancestors to burn paper money or other paper made into cars, houses, boats, hearts, etc. and believe that if you burn paper money and other offerings at the graves of your ancestors, they will receive them in the afterlife and, thinking kindly of you, put them to use. The graves are cleaned before candles and incense are lit. Often, messages to the deceased are also spoken out loud. This holiday of remembrance has become a bit commercialized, as has our Christmas, but it is about joy and love – not loss.
What could you do that could give you peace and meaning?

Reading
Many find solace in quiet reading.
I very recently bought these books for someone very close to me and she said they helped a lot.
-Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving
-Getting Thru What You Can’t Get Over
-Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief

Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, LMFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist

Journaling Proven to Boost Self Esteem

Posted on July 9, 2018by Valentino Therapy

Journaling Proven to Boost Self Esteem.

Could that be true?

Journaling records go back all the way to 10^thcentury Japan.

Successful people throughout history have kept journals. Presidents have maintained them for posterity; other famous figures for their own purposes. Oscar Wilde, the 19th-century playwright, said: “I never travel without my diary. One should always have.  Why not try it?

Though clinicians make the claim about journaling benefits quite often, and more and more research backs it up. Some feel that a journal is an excellent way to get negative experiences and thoughts out of you and onto the paper so you can write about your feelings, reactions, anger, hurt and, ideally, conclude that entry with an action plan for the future to deal with similar situations differently.
Many journalists report a release of tension, anxiety and generalized unhappiness immediately after journaling a negative interaction or event. My clients have found this to be very useful.
Setting goals for happiness or achievement and the steps planned to attain them are particularly useful too.
Other professionals advise a journal to be used solely to compliment yourself daily on conducting yourself in an estimable manner, helping others, accomplishing tasks and highlighting your good qualities. Everyone has positive traits, behaviors, and accomplishments that are forgotten or that go unnoticed. Paying tribute to these can boost both self-esteem and self-respect over time.
Writing about gratitude is proven to fight both depression and anxiety.
Cursive writing uses your left brain, the base of analytical and rational thought so you can clarify your thoughts but leaves the right brain free to create, imagine, feel, and clarify what really makes you happy and satisfied.
Writing about disagreements and unpleasant encounters helps to come up with sensible solutions if you first let all the emotion out.
If you are right-handed, cursive writing is slightly more effective than for left-handed persons but highly beneficial for all.
There is no right or wrong way to journal, except it is highly advisable to do at least just a bit every day, any way you want, not worrying about spelling, grammar or how upset you may be with someone. It is easiest if you select a manageable size and keep the journal with you so that you can make a note whenever convenient or before an insight is lost. I do advise finding a way to keep your writing private though.

I’ve found that tremendous value can be had by reading your entries at the end of every month. You’d be amazed at how much you’ve accomplished, grown, decided on – or whatever was the theme of your writing over that month-long period.

Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, LMFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist

What to Do If You’re Worried a Loved One Has an Addiction Problem

Posted on June 17, 2018 by Valentino Therapy

What to Do If You’re Worried a Loved One Has an Addiction Problem

 Coming to the realization that a loved one has an addiction problem can conjure up an abundance of emotions, but the worst thing you can do is ignore the issue. Blaming yourself for letting it happen is not a constructive use of your energy. If they’ve been lying to you recently, understand that you can’t take this type of behavior personally, as this one of the side effects of addiction. You’re dealing with a completely different person now, so you’ve got to support your loved one as they are now — not who they were before drugs or alcohol took over their life. While you can’t magically fix the problem for them, you can make an effort to help them move in the right direction. Here’s how to get started.

Familiarize Yourself with the Different Types of Treatment

 Before approaching your loved one, familiarize yourself with the different types of treatment available. It can be helpful to have talking points that could help motivate this person if you hit on a point of interest. For example, maybe the thought of a traditional 12-step program scares someone. In this case, pointing out other methods, such as those that are either more religious-based or holistic, can make treatment seem less daunting. However, it’s not uncommon for recovery survivors to have feelings of shame and guilt. There are also several alternative therapies (to be used in conjunction with a traditional program) that can help banish cravings, prevent relapse, and help patients start a new sober life. Some examples include yoga, exercise, gardening, pet and art therapies, meditation, and acupuncture.

How to Confront Your Loved One

 There’s no doubt that confronting a loved one may be one of the most difficult things you have to do, but make sure you go in with compassion, not anger or hostility. Giving a person with an addiction problem reasons to be hopeful has proven to be helpful when they’re in treatment. Before having the talk, consult with an addiction physician or certified addiction mental health professional for guidance. Try to come up with as many details as possible, including what they’re using, how often, what side effects you’ve noticed, behavioral changes, etc.

Avoid speaking to your loved one when they’re under the influence, as the conversation is liable to get you nowhere or turn violent. Don’t approach them when they’re running out the door, as you’re going to need a good amount of time to have a discussion. Emphasize how much you care, but list very specific behaviors and actions that prompt you to believe there’s a problem. Make sure that you ask open-ended questions to avoid a lecture-like feel. Be prepared for denial and revisit the conversation at a later date. However, if you notice a life-threatening situation, seek help immediately via a crisis hotline or 911.

If you’ve made several attempts to try to get your loved one into treatment without success, it may be time to stage an intervention, especially if you feel their health is in serious danger. At this juncture, loop in a substance abuse counselor or intervention specialist to help back you up and provide expertise during the confrontation. Gather a group of friends, family, and other concerned loved ones and make sure everyone clears their schedule for at least a couple of hours. Make sure everyone is prepared to communicate clear thoughts and feelings. Choose a location that feels safe for your loved one such as your home or theirs, but don’t hold them against their will. Offer love, compassion, and resources to help them through the recovery process. If they accept help, note that this is not the end of your support, but just the beginning.

Author

Bethany Hatton, a retired librarian with 32 years of experience, created PreventAddiction.info after her oldest grandson became addicted to opioids.
As her grandson recovered from an overdose, the number of questions Bethany had about his illness swelled: How had his addiction developed? Could she and other family members have done anything differently along the way? And most importantly, how could she help him get better and ensure others in her family and community didn’t suffer the same fate? Using the research skills she honed during her work as a librarian, she dedicated herself to searching the internet to find the most reputable, reliable information to share on her site. She analyzed, compiled, and categorized hundreds of resources so that she could be sure she included only the best of the best for her visitors.
Though she discovered there is no guaranteed way to prevent addiction; she was able to find many helpful resources that can keep the public up to date on the latest prevention, addiction, and recovery information.

For more help and information about a wide range of articles and information you could visit my website: www.valentinotherapy.com– Pinterest: Ask This Therapist (new and building more info daily)or Instagram: Ask This Therapist (also new and building a few posts weekly).
I post several times a week to:
Facebook: Valentino Therapy
Facebook: Parenting With Help
Facebook: Ask This Therapist
-also-
Blogs at WordPress:
Valentino Therapy
Addiction Hurts
All this information and help is almost like having a therapist for free. 
Nothing is for sale unless WordPress or FB has slipped something of their own in, and I don’t capture your information or anything else. This information is solely meant to help and support people in their journeys in life. Sharon Valentino, CA LMFT

How Families Can Handle A Loved One’s Addiction

Posted on May 21, 2018 by Valentino Therapy
 

How Families Can Handle a Loved One’s Addiction  

So you’re ready for your loved one to get help for addiction, but he or she isn’t open to the idea. You’re not alone. Most addicts are unwilling patients. Usually, a life-altering event – such as a court order, divorce, loss of job, or hospitalization – pushes the addict into seeking treatment. There are ways that family and friends can help their loved one realize they need treatment before such devastating events occur.

From the Addict’s Point of View

The National Institute on Drug Abuse defines addiction as “a chronic, relapsing brain disease that is characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use, despite harmful consequences.” The addiction changes the structure of the brain and how it works, leaving addicts powerless and unable to make rational decisions and realize the severity of their disease. Addicts depend on drugs to function and make excuses to justify even their worst actions. Even in the face of losing a job, ruining relationships, and other negative consequences, addicts may still deny a problem exists and may resist treatment.

While the initial decision to try drugs or alcohol may be voluntary, when addiction takes over, the person’s ability to exercise self-control becomes significantly impaired. Through brain-imaging studies on addicts, experts have shown how drugs physically change the areas of the brain that are necessary for judgment, decision making, learning, memory, and behavior control.

From the Family’s Point of View

Addiction affects family and friends as much as it affects the addict. Family and friends may grow resentful of the addict or live in fear of the addict. Relationships with significant others and children are often in conflict. Many couples argue over money because the addict may lose his or her job, miss hours at work, make poor financial decisions, or spend a lot of money on drugs or alcohol.

Friends and family can suffer emotional trauma as the addict may yell, talk down to, insult, or manipulate them. Physical violence can occur in the household of an addict. Addicts may also engage in infidelity. All of these issues can lead to breakups, legal separation, or divorce.

How to Help

The first way to help your loved one is to get educated about addiction. Realize that addiction is a debilitating disease, and treat it as such. Educating yourself can help you provide support, patience, and understanding. Get support from groups or individual sessions with a mental health professional.

You can’t control your loved one’s behavior, but you can control how you react to the addiction and ensure you’re not enabling him or her. While you should certainly help your loved one in positive ways, such as looking for a job or choosing a treatment center, set clear boundaries around behaviors you deem unacceptable. For example, don’t allow him or her to hang around when they’re high or drunk. Likewise, don’t allow the addict to borrow money.

“Setting and enforcing boundaries not only allows loved ones to resume control of their lives, practice healthy detachment, and safeguard their own health and well-being but also helps the addict face the natural consequences of their actions,” says Psych Central. Staging an intervention works in many cases and can be a highly effective way to break through the addict’s denial and get him or her to agree to treatment.

Intervention

Through intervention, friends and family get the addict’s attention and help their loved one understand the consequences of his or her destructive behavior before more serious consequences arise. A professional known as an interventionist helps to assess the situation, recommend treatment facilities and long-term after care plans, and ensure that the process remains productive and healing. There are specific steps that should be taken before, during, and after an intervention.

Your loved one may agree to receive treatment, but you and your family still need to seek professional help as well. Living with an addict can cause emotional trauma, especially in children, and as such, families of addicts should seek counseling. Each individual can attend counseling, or everyone can attend counseling as a family. When addiction recovery and therapy begin, the family can begin to heal and move toward a brighter, healthier, and happier future.

By guest author Adam Cook. Mr. Cook is the founder of Addiction Hub, which locates and catalogs addiction resources. He is interested in helping people find the necessary resources to save their lives from addiction. Adam’s mission is to provide people struggling with substance abuse with resources to help them recover.

Sharon Valentino, Psychotherapist, Behavioral Health
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Valentino Therapy
CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC IV,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area
Psychotherapist, Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, Masters Counseling Psychology,
Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Pain, Family & Couples Issues, Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens. Tech execs & engineers.
PRIVATE ONLINE EMAIL AND PHONE THERAPY AVAILABLE FOR CALIF. ONLY
p: 415.215.5363
a: 3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA 94965
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How to Get Anything You Want

Posted on May 21, 2018 by Valentino Therapy

Really? How do you get what you want?  

First, you can’t expect other people to give it to you. It has to come from you.

Here’s the secret: Keep uppermost in your mind that if you want to accomplish something (anything) you must first expect it of yourself.

I read this somewhere and have kept the saying because, over the years, it has proven so true – both for my therapy clients and myself as well.  Sometimes I’ve achieved what I want with astonishing speed. It has made me a believer.

Watch a child learning to ride a bike. They are totally determined to master this skill and gain a freedom they never knew before. They are focused and it is uppermost in their minds. They aren’t allowing habitual negative thinking to be uppermost in their minds. They are concentrating on the task that they really want to master.

It doesn’t matter whether you are hoping to be the best athlete, lose weight, keep a clean house, be a better lover or parent, or…on and on,  if you are just hoping for it, it is not so likely to occur. You have to “keep it forefront in your mind” as something that you are not hoping for – it must be something you are committed to achieving. How do you do that? Interestingly, there are many methods reported to succeed.

Some have used journaling every day, others use daily meditating on the desired outcome, and others say using the Biblical advice of “Pray all the time.” has produced miracles for them, even including healing. Some set alarms on their phone, while others find support in like-minded groups where the goal is stated, members reinforce it, as do regular meetings of some sort (even if it is meeting a friend for a walk, run or golf game). When I was younger I used to place Post-Its in various places where I’d see them a few times a day. Now I use Outlook because I have to look at my calendar several times a day, so I’m reminded quite often of what I want so I won’t lose sight or get distracted. But research shows that if you are visual, it is very helpful to have pictures in various places of what you want so that you are reminded visually several times a day. Others who want a car, for example, get a small model of the one they want and keep it on their work desk.

However, besides commitment and reinforcers, it is critical to examine automatic negative thoughts and messages you may be giving yourself that are unhelpful, untrue or not useful that say you can’t do or have what you want. This self-sabotage goes on daily in our heads without our realizing it about so many issues. Our thoughts control how we feel about ourselves and the world around us and what we can accomplish. Positive thoughts lead to us feeling good and negative thoughts can put us down. Sometimes our thoughts happen so quickly that we fail to notice them, but they can still affect our mood and our actions. These are called automatic thoughts. They are often negative or at least not useful. They can even apply to ruminations about romantic partners lost or present or things we’ve wanted but failed to achieve. Oftentimes, our automatic thoughts are negative and irrational – sometimes not, but they can still be intrusive and unwanted. Identifying these negative automatic thoughts and replacing them with new rational thoughts can improve our mood and ability to get what we want. Research shows the fastest and most effective way of addressing this is with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Ask your therapist about this valuable tool or in the Bay Area contact me.

Therapy can be useful to clarify, quantify and help achieve your goals. And get you on the path that’s right for you…

Sharon Valentino, CHT, LMFT, CATC IV  –   Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, MFC51746, Addictions, Life Transitions, Habits, Goals, Achievement, Substance Abuseand Relapse, Anxiety, Depression, Aging, Relationships, Major Life & Business Decisions, Website: http://www.valentinotherapy.com  –  3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA94965  

Mind Over Matters: Improving Your Wellness

Grief and Loss How to Survive It

Addiction: Can You Really Create a New You?

Why Is Daily Self-Care So Important?

How to Overcome Depression

What is Healthy Conflict in Your Relationship?

There is no relationship with no conflict.

You rationally know this, yet you want one without it.
We all do.
Conflict is a part of life and it doesn't have to be a problem. How you manage conflict in all your relationships can weaken or strengthen both you and the work or romantic relationship in question.
Romantic relationships are so important to us and yet are the ones we often don't take proper care of during conflict.
It's important to be sure there even is a problem because when you get emotional it's very easy to not truly hear what the other person is saying and even easier still not to understand what they meant to say.
Here is one way to head off an angry discussion from becoming a problem.
Always take a few deep breaths and then repeat back to your partner what you think you've heard. Don't do this in a demeaning or redundant manner, as that will irritate and most likely cause your partner to be less than open. It is often helpful to ask questions or state what you thought you heard as a question. You don't have to agree with your partner, just make sure you heard what s/he said. You might try some of these:

• "Let me be sure I understand….. Is that what you meant to say (or said)?"
• " I'm trying to be sure I heard you. Did you say that I say one thing and do another - or that I said I liked one thing last week and now I say I don't? That must be confusing, so I want to be sure what you meant."
• "I want to make sure I understand you. Did you say you are upset that I don't listen to you? Did you mean that? Or is that what we say to each when we don't do what the other wants? Let's try to understand and resolve this particular issue we are dealing with right now so it doesn't keep coming up, OK? I don't want us to fight about it again in 2 or 3 days". In this example you are clearly indicating it is a problem to be solved by you both, not one person giving in or one person being wrong or even misunderstanding each other.It takes time to become comfortable and to manage or resolve conflicts in relationships. Everyone has past relationships, fears, experiences, etc. that come back to cause trouble when things get irritating or tense. This may be about the past more than it is about your partner. Be patient. Be kind. It really pays off in happiness for you both.

  A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.

  Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT, Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)

  ---

  Want A Satisfying Sex Life?

  
  Think a satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship is hard to achieve and even harder to sustain?
   
  Well – – it takes work, like anything, but it doesn’t have to be elusive.
   
  It is far too common for sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships to take a nosedive. The good news is, we know what to do about it.
   
  The bad news is many people are too lazy and complacent to follow through. As a couples therapist in Marin County, I see this often. An unsatisfying sex life can lead to anger, anxiety, depression and a host of other possible problems.
   
  There have been a few replicated studies on a phenomenon called “sexual communal strength” and its impact on sexual satisfaction over time. It turns out that sexual communal strength is the one researched characteristic that makes or breaks a sex life. It is defined as “desire or willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs, even when different from your own preferences.”
   
  Seems like common sense, but how many couples take this to heart and actually apply it?
   
  In a sample of long-term couples (together for 11 years on average), researchers found people who were higher in sexual communal strength reported higher levels of daily sexual desire and were more likely to maintain their desire over time.
   
  People who began the study with high sexual communal strength maintained sexual desire over the course of the research, and the people who started off with low sexual communal strength reported declining sexual desire.
   
  When researchers asked study participants what this meant to them, some answers included: having sex with your partner when not entirely in the mood; pursuing sexual activities that your partner enjoys even if they are not your favorite; and taking strides to understand and meet your partner’s sexual fantasies.
   
  The great thing is, none of the behaviors that represent sexual communal strength require a personality transplant or the acquisition of some amazing skill, and they certainly do not include doing anything you really don’t want to do or that hurts. The behaviors simply need willingness.
   
  Are you and your partner willing to have sex even when you don’t feel like it?
  Are you and your partner willing to pursue sexual activities that the other enjoys?
  Are you and your partner willing to try to understand and meet the other’s sexual needs?
  Do you talk about sex and what ask each other person particularly enjoys?
  Answering these questions honestly, and discussing them with your partner, might be a good place to start if you are looking to improve your sex life.
  Of course, pointing to “willingness” as the sole solution is very simplistic, and in many cases it is too simplistic.
   
  I see many couples in my Sausalito, CA therapy practice who need to work through “barriers to willingness” before they are willing and able to improve their sexual communal strength.
   
  Common barriers to willingness include:
  Discomfort with sexuality
  Discomfort with being vulnerable in the relationship
  Withholding sex as a passive-aggressive maneuver
  Willingness being clouded by disconnection or resentment
  Depression or some forms of anxiety
  Is there something getting in the way of your willingness?
  Couples counseling or individual therapy may help you discover and break through any barriers to sexual communal strength.
   
  Reference
   
  Muise, A., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Desmarais, S. (in press). Keeping the spark alive: Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science.
   
  Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
   
  A NEW FEATURE:  If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
   
  Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
  Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
                                    [email protected],  415.215.5363
  Web: http://www.valentinotherapy.com
   

  ---

  
  You Need Mental Stregth to Succeed.

  Are You Mentally Strong Engouh?

  Do you struggle and lack success with exercising losing weight, stop drinking, or using?

  Many of my clients in the San Francisco Bay Area, California have struggled with developing the mental strength to stop drinking, to date, to try for a better job, to break up with someone who doesn't treat them well enough and much more. You may have too.

  Not being able to take the actions necessary in their lives for good health and happiness tends to lead to anxiety, depression, addiction and it weakens self-esteem.

  Everyone knows how to build body strength but few really know how to build mental strength - which is off when it is so important. Like lifting weights, it takes practice and often the help of a trainer (in this case a therapist) to make appropriate or permanent gains in a safe manner. Developing mental muscle just takes practice in many cases.

  My experience has shown that a key factor is taking control of your emotions and controlling unhelpful thoughts.

  No one likes to feel uncomfortable.

  However, healthy people can tolerate uncomfortable feelings! They've learned it isn't so difficult. It takes mindfulness to be aware of your unintended thoughts and practice managing them.

  Emotional reactions to stress, impulsive actions and words, using substances - all signal that you may be not willing to just experience the feelings you are having and then calmly choosing the proper action, if any. Worse yet, you may not have been taught when you were quite young how to tolerate the feeling long enough for it to dissipate naturally.

  In many cases, your reactions are increasing the discomfort even before you reach to alleviate it.

  By acting out, or medicating the discomfort, you are insuring that it won't go away and you may have more undesirable behaviors and consequences to deal with on top of the original discomfort - meaning, you likely have made the situation worse by not dealing with the emotion.

  Many people are tortured by their thoughts. They worry about relationships, break ups, addiction, aging, parenting difficult teens and pre-teens. They worry about insults and what they should have replied to someone. They worry about self-esteem, grief and loss and work related issues. These thoughts cause considerable discomfort.

  It does not have to be this way.

  I read that the Lab of Neuro Imaging's scientists have said that we have about 70,000 thoughts per day. It is your job to use your mind (not vice versa) to control and direct your thoughts so that they cause you contentment, by replacing negative ruminations and negative thoughts with realistic, more positive ones.

  There's an old saying that goes, "What you think about all day - you become."

  And...worse yet, "What you think about all day - you achieve."

  We are all programming ourselves every day, every hour to have positive, achievable thoughts or negative thoughts telling us things and people are terrible, that we are failing, that we are not doing well enough.

  

  Being kind and honest (not critical and exaggerating faults) to ourselves is not so hard to do - but it is critical to happiness.

  I've drawn graphs in these blogs before to show that discomfort looks like a mountain with a steep climb upwards, but when it (the emotion) peaks, the other side of the mountain is more of a gentle downward slope, not so hard to deal with as you feel it lessening more and more.

  What does this mean? If you just tolerate and feel the emotion, it will peak and slide down the other side of the hill, releasing the tension as it goes. This happens naturally if you don't dwell on the negative, feed the negative, building the negative up even more with body tension and ruminations.

  

  If you do nothing but just acknowledge it, "see it" as the Buddhists' say, and do nothing to increase it or medicate it, it will subside on its own.

  I've also written many times to be aware of your thoughts and when you are in the midst of negative, unhelpful thoughts to imagine a red stop sign and shout STOP! This gives you about 2 to 8 seconds into which you must insert a compelling alternative thought or the original is likely to come right back. Good examples are: Where is the key to storage? What do I need from the grocery store? Etc. Put your brain to work - to good use.

  You own your mind and its thoughts. It does not own you.

  This is the very best way, in my opinion, to control your life and build the mental strength to achieve your goals in your personal and professional lives.

  Your thoughts greatly impact your life and your happiness. You are unlikely to be truly happy or achieve your goals until you control your thoughts.

  I'm often tired and hungry on the way home from work, usually needing to answer many e-mail and online counseling clients as soon as I arrive. I drive through Sausalito, Mill Valley, sometimes Tiburon and belvedere, passing through some of the highest rated restaurants and acclaimed take out opportunities imaginable. I don't have to tell you of the convenience my thoughts try to torture me with constantly. However, I know these fabulous foods are so tasty because of the extra salt, butter, olive oil, etc. and are loaded with calories that I don't need after sitting all day. If I gave into these very strong thoughts at very hungry times even most days, I would weigh 200 pounds. My health, happiness and energy would deteriorate.

  We all have only so many days and years remaining. We all have only so much energy. If we choose to waste it by not developing strength – mentally and physically, then we are wasting our lives. I think we are here to be happy, to learn lessons and to help others.

  Start by helping yourself.

  Here is my favorite thing you can do (among a host of other aids) that brings quick help in enabling you to feel better and be willing to seriously address feelings of depression that might delay your resolve to control your thoughts.

  Many people with depressive feelings have low serotonin levels, as many in the US do, even in the sunnier states.

  Directly quoting Psychology Today, “UV always gets a bad rap, because too much of it can lead to skin cancer. However, UV is important because UV light absorbed through your skin produces Vitamin D. Vitamin D plays many roles in your body, including promoting serotonin production.” To prevent skin cancer and sunburn during the summer months, use sunscreen. Do not sit inside just because of this. Go outside and absorb the sun and get Vitamin D. In return, your serotonin levels will also increase, and your mood and depression levels will be better managed, as well.

  According to Psychology Today, “In numerous studies exercise has been shown to increase both serotonin production and release. In particular, aerobic exercises, like running and biking, are the most likely to boost serotonin. Make exercise an essential part of your routine. The biggest problem with exercise is that when people don’t feel like doing it, they don’t do it. But sometimes the reason they don’t feel like doing it is because their serotonin activity is low, and they’d rather pig out on chips or watch TV. So it’s important to go against what you’re feeling at the moment, and remind yourself of what’s important to you.”

  What have you got to lose?

  None of these idea is outrageous, expensive or very difficult and they will definitely improve your life.
  Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.

  A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.

  Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT

  Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
   

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  Mindfulness Can Transform Your Life.

  Many of my clients have into my office in Sausalito through the years unhappy about so many different things. Some said they can’t get anything done, can’t manage their stress or stressors, constantly lose things, or lose their temper and their families are reacting negatively towards these anxiety states. Some medicate these feelings with food, exercise, alcohol or drugs, all of which tend to add more problems, or addiction, atop the original ones. The cause is often a mild or profound lack of mindfulness.
  People who are most anxious or short fused or forgetful seem to be the ones who operate “not in the present”. They are thinking about so many things that are not what they are doing, experiencing or supposed to be doing or dealing with at that moment.
   
  I have several clients at this time who are suffering from the consequences of not being mindful, so when I ran across some readings by Thich Nhat Hanh (who is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, poet, scholar, and human rights activist, who was nominated by Martin Luther King, Jr. for the Nobel Peace Prize) his words rang both current and meaningful.
  “Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.” By Thich Nhat Hanh, August 23, 2010
   
  “Our true home is not in the past. Our true home is not in the future. Our true home is in the here and the now. Life is available only in the here and the now, and it is our true home.
  Mindfulness is the energy that helps us recognize the conditions of happiness that are already present in our lives. You don’t have to wait ten years to experience this happiness. It is present in every moment of your daily life. There are those of us who are alive but don’t know it. But when you breathe in, and you are aware of your in-breath, you touch the miracle of being alive. That is why mindfulness is a source of happiness and joy. Mindfulness is when you are truly there, mind and body together. You breathe in and out mindfully, you bring your mind back to your body, and you are there. When your mind is there with your body, you are established in the present moment. Then you can recognize the many conditions of happiness that are in you and around you, and happiness just comes naturally. Mindfulness practice should be enjoyable, not work or effort. Do you have to make an effort to breath in? You don’t need to make an effort. To breathe in, you just breathe in. Suppose you are with a group of people contemplating a beautiful sunset. Do you have to make an effort to enjoy the beautiful sunset? No, you don’t have to make any effort. You just enjoy it.” By Thich Naht Hanh, date unknown.
  A few of my clients have been so severely challenged in just leaving their home or office that they forget their keys or the work they needed to take or something else critical that should have been attended to. I’ve suggested for some to practice Very Practical Mindfulness by saying to themselves, “I am leaving now. I am leaving now with all the things I need to take. I am leaving now. I am leaving now with all the things I need to take.” This causes concentration on what you need to have with you by saying it again and again until you are out the door or in your car, or where ever, which tends to crowd out unwanted, unhelpful distracting thoughts – until you have accomplished what you needed to. It is the essence of just doing one thing at a time – doing it very well, with no stress, just naturally paying attention to the one thing you should be attending to. I’m told this simple exercise has helped many to ground themselves to the present moment and the present task.
  Others report they have so much stress and anxiety from so many different areas that they are overwhelmed on a daily basis. While there are many clinical ways to address this severe state of being, you could start by a variation of the above exercise by saying, “I am calmly handling this one thing first. I am only handling this one priority thing first. I am calmly handling this one thing first. I am only handling this one priority thing first.”
   
  It also helps each day to just select the two most important things that need to be accomplished that day. Just two. Then only handle those two most important tasks before anything else. If you get side tracked later with stress or lack of mindfulness, you have at least taken care of the two very most important things that needed to be addressed. You’d be surprised how much of real importance can be accomplished in this manner, instead of letting stress and lack of mindfulness hijack your day, your serenity and your happiness. Just allow those two things to have your undivided attention until concluded and you will feel much lighter the rest of the day. Try it. What have you got to lose?
  When you do this – breathing and concentrating just on one thing at a time – your concentration and your mindfulness become very powerful. You feel stronger and more peaceful. An analogy is when a client is in session with me, the concentration on themselves and what they want to work on is fully concentrated only on them. When this attention of two people working together to improve an issue in mindful concentration is present, you have an opportunity to make a break though, achieve powerful insight, and to understand you own nature (and perhaps that of others in your life), which is a major way in which therapy is so helpful and often life changing.
   
  Just breathe. It’s easy. No rules. Just calmly in and out. Then decide what it most important to be done and mindfully do just that. You will be surprised at the difference this will make in your life.
  If you become committed to practicing mindfulness each time you find yourself feeling stressed, you can quickly start to transform your life.
  Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
   

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  Why It’s So Hard to Be Around Judgmental People & What to Do About It

  “Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman
  “I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.” – anonymous

  Actually, we know that few people want to spend time around people who are judgmental (but they often do not). It makes us uncomfortable. We sense the judgment, even from the unspoken body language and facial expressions. It is not pleasant for anyone and relationships, especially romantic ones with healthy individuals, are not likely to last very long. Critical people are very draining.

  Famed psychologist, Carl Rogers said that people have a positive growth force that is stunted from reaching its potential when you are around judgmental people. Rogers also said that psychotherapy is successful only if the therapist shows a genuine nonjudgmental, positive regard for each client. That was a new concept at the time after the decades of Freud’s influence.

  Many of us have a hard time not being automatically judgmental if we experienced it to a high degree ourselves when young. I grew up with a highly judgmental mother, which she learned at the knee of her own mother, who vigorously criticized her husband in front of the family.

  Parents can be in a double bind when trying to help their children grow in healthy directions yet must nurture their freedom as well. Many years ago when my daughter was quite small, her school introduced us parents to the idea of saying, “That was a poor choice.”, rather than the many other things that might be said when a child is acting out and you are upset or exhausted. This was to replace “bad”, “naughty”, etc.

  I’ve had many very judgmental clients who almost destroyed their marriages and relationships by being relentlessly critical, yet claiming they were just being helpful or even being discerning, or worse yet…just trying to improve the relationship.

  Many people have no idea that they are actually being judgmental and driving others away because:

  1. Sadly our society thrives on criticism. Just look at the most popular TV shows where fashions & behaviors are criticized, performance in business (Trump’s & start up business ideas), eating out, team and individual sports. Magazines do this to a very high degree as well. Our schools certainly judge by grading and few students graduate unscathed by the criticisms of peers.
  2. People different from us are judged, especially by the color of their skin or religion.
  3. Criticizing others gives you a boost to how you feel about yourself, whether you realize that at the time or not. You may feel a little better if someone else is lesser.

  The problem some of my past clients didn’t grasp was that they were very critical of other people based on their actions – yet they chose to judge themselves based on their own intentions, not actions. What could possibly go wrong?

  Those who inwardly felt they were lacking, damaged, or not good enough tended to believe they weren’t so bad after all if they could see and point out that others were bad or even worse. This can feed a sense of relief from the inner stress of being “less than”. In order for them to be right, someone else has to be wrong. And usually, those lesser folks have to be told they are wrong in order for the judgmental to find a measure of peace.

  We can become morally superior and that is VERY hard for others to be around, in fact, this particular morality rating is leaning in the direction to favor our own behaviors and disdain those of others. Our country seems to veering on that very destructive path.

  When you jump to moral conclusions about others, then what can you do but believe the worst of them. Why not point it out and be “helpful”? Or express your anger about it?

  In my office when a husband, for example, is angry that his wife is doing something that makes him angry, I don’t often hear that the action is bad – but rather that she is bad. By inference then, he is better than she is, or at least not as bad as she is. It is hard for a relationship to recover from that. It is hard for her to feel good about herself and it becomes hard for her to love or feel safe around him the way she’d like to.

  Judgmental people tend to believe the worst about others, which distorts who they really are, and which makes it hard to have truly open, sharing, caring or even loving relationships. It’s hard to hold onto friends, or to have very many. It’s hard to be truly sympathetic to others. It’s hard all around – for everyone. It doesn’t have to be.

  Being judgmental can quickly slip into hypocrisy, and that very hard to live with behavior – self-righteousness, moral condemnation and superiority.

  A study in Social Psychology & Personality Science found that judgmental people had higher levels of depression, anxiety and stress-related illnesses. No surprise.

  SO HOW DO YOU STOP?

  To rid yourself of judgmental behavior you can start to be mindful. You control your mind and your thoughts – not vice versa. Observe your thoughts, practice thought stopping and immediately substitute an entirely different, positive thought about a very different topic.

  If you try to learn something about yourself from the other person by awareness of your reaction to them, your own life can change for the better. You can learn endless amounts of valuable information by getting to know someone else, their background, interests, culture, etc. I’ve learned so much from my own clients over the years about such a variety of topics and interests that my life has been greatly enhanced. Yours can be too.

  You can’t change anyone. You can only change yourself. But you can accept yourself and you can accept others because as even the Pope said, “Who am I to judge?” Well…..

  Why should you make this effort and constantly monitor your negative thoughts of others? Because your life and your relationships will improve immeasurably.

  SO HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE?
  
  You can stay far away from them, as most people are inclined to do, or if you can’t, then here are just a few coping mechanisms.

  • Don’t believe what they are saying about you.
  • Try to have compassion because they are generally very unhappy people – often lonely too.
  • Consider them as you would a child who just hasn’t learned or matured yet and let some things go.
  • Look beyond the obvious as to what they are really upset about, if you can.
  • Do not take their criticisms personally – it’s up to you decide what you want to improve on and if there is even some validity to what they are saying.
  • Don’t sink to their level as the tension will only escalate.
  • Be assertive and kind – but firm about not wanting to have the discussion.
  • Say their behavior is hurtful, unnecessary and not something you want to be around.
  • If all else fails, you may have to avoid them, or leave them, to retain your self-esteem and solid sense of self.
  • Life doesn’t have to be so hard. Get support. Therapy can help.

  Please consider following this blog, follow me on Facebook or check my web which is FILLED with a great deal of information that may help you and those you care about.

  A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.

  Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.

  Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
  Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
 [email protected], 415.215.5363