We all have many levels of stress that we don’t want every day. We must find our own ways to manage and reduce it quickly in order to thrive or even survive.
Many are looking for ways to quickly relax or re-center after an upset or disappointment of various kinds.
In the past, I’ve written on the well-researched Viparita Karani.
However, last night I was reading some research from the University of Sussex in the UK (yes, research reading is better than a sleeping pill) which gave some interesting and unexpected data.
The article was written to attract lay readers and first asked if you need to relax, what is most effective:
The answer is reading.
The neuropsychologists found that just six minutes of silent reading can reduce stress levels by 68%.
They surmised this is because unlike drinking tea or watching TV, reading requires real concentration, which creates a distraction that eases muscle tension and slows the heart rate.
Listening to music while doing no other activity was second best, reducing stress by 61%.
What do you do to release stress when given bad news, were upset on the freeway, or are at odds with someone close to you?
Posted on October 16, 2018 by Valentino Therapy
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Too Hard On Yourself?
When it comes to overcoming an addiction, it’s especially important to not be too hard on yourself and to understand that there are most likely many other people going through similar things.
Generally, when we are critical of ourselves and set standards that allow little rest or are too high, too fast or whatever, it is because we had an early experience of somehow taking in the measure we were not good enough.
We’re all our own worst critics.
Evolutionary psychologists have studied our natural “negativity bias,” which is that instinct in us all that makes negative experiences seem more significant than they really are. Sadly, we are primed to remember negative events and messages much more than positive ones which at some time probably served to help keep us safe (don’t go near the dangerous snake again) but in today’s society its becoming harder and harder to turn off the negative loop thinking that goes on in our heads most of the time.
CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) is particularly good at addressing this. (Read our other article “Mind Over Matter” which talks more about how to apply CBT to your life.)
We’ve evolved to give more weight to our flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings than our successes.
Self-criticism can even take a toll on both our minds and bodies.
It can lead to ruminative thoughts that interfere with our productivity, and it can impact our bodies by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging, according to a few studies (not much money for research for that to monetize that info.).
There are ways around our negativity bias, and it is possible to turn self-criticism into opportunities for learning and personal growth.
Clinicians are particularly concerned when clients are hard on themselves because that negative self-talk can lead to a lot of mental health problems including symptoms of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, negative self-image and, in a particularly vicious twist, decreased motivation.
It often leads to burn-out as well if you keep pushing yourself to do more and more.
I’m posting below some tips for not being so hard on yourself that I did not author.
Clinically I see more progress with using CBT.
I’d be interested in your thoughts.
Your mistakes are part of your learning.
Learn to be resilient in the face of failure.
Don’t compare yourself to others because you aren’t them.
You’re you, so accept yourself for who you are, faults and all.
There is no right way to do anything.
Don’t limit your thinking to a right or wrong way–there’s no right way to do the wrong thing, and no wrong way to do something right!
Stand up for what you believe, even if it’s unpopular.
Make everyone understand your big, crazy ideas. Learn from people who criticize you.
Don’t let criticism get you down; let it inspire you to work your ass off!
Accept your weaknesses as your “features”.
You aren’t good at everything you do, but nobody else is, either!
Look at your past as an adventurous biography.
Your past isn’t your identity and doesn’t dictate your entrepreneurial destiny.
Don’t underestimate your talent until you apply it 100 times.
Are you applying your natural talents?
Every single problem you have is not unique.
Put your problems in perspective and solve them faster.
Intelligence is relative, self-esteem is not.
Stay positive, take care of yourself, forget about being perfect, and always keep improving yourself.
Express your anger in a creative way.
Feel your anger, express it, and learn from it.
Surround yourself with people who want you to succeed.
Having people you can trust and rely on will make you happier and feel better about yourself.
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist
Posted on October 9, 2018by Valentino Therapy
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What is Important?
There are 168 hours in a week.
40 At work or school
56 Sleeping
72 Leftover
And you really can’t find:
3 hours a week to exercise?
1 hour to make healthy foods and drink?
1/2 hour a week to focus on gratitude?
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist
Posted on September 29, 2018by Valentino Therapy
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SLEEP IS CRITICAL
A lot of us are having trouble with sleep.
Combating that is now called Sleep Hygiene, yes an odd term.
Without consistently good sleep it is almost impossible to function well, make good decisions and lot of research shows it is very hard to even lose weight.
Lack of Sleep –
Lack of sleep can kill you, make you fat, make you “stupid”, ruin your health and your looks, certainly sap your energy, destroy your sex life harm your social life, cause serious health problems, affect your personality and on and on. Studies have found that sleep-deprived employees are less satisfied, less productive, and less creative. But you know this.
You read about the accidents caused by lack of sleep.
You read about this and depression.
Sleep disorders and chronic sleep loss can put you at risk for:
-Diabetes
-Heart disease
-Depression
-Heart attack
-Heart failure
-Irregular heartbeat
-High blood pressure
-Obesity
-Stroke
You also read about how people boast they can get by on less than 7-8 hours of good sleep – – still when tested, their driving ability, thinking ability and ability to perform at almost all levels is severely diminished. Yet they brag.
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that causes this foolish thinking.
Surprisingly, over half of my in-office Marin County and San Francisco clients report sleep is a problem.
I’m sure you’ve heard: If You Snooze You Lose! Just not true!
Many studies have shown that lack of sleep relates to higher body mass, increases in hunger and higher levels of ghrelin.
These studies show a range of 30-35% higher likelihood of obesity in people who sleep less than 6 hours per day. Less sleep decreases leptin (you aren’t hungry) and increases ghrelin (feed me right now, especially high-fat & high-carb foods).
I believe that sleep psychology is a critically important part of any weight loss program.
What is Insomnia?
Insomnia is when you can’t regularly get the amount of sleep you need to wake up feeling rested, healthy and refreshed. For most people that is 7 to 9 hours sleep, though needs vary. You may have trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep or the sleep may be fitful for a variety of reasons.
Symptoms of insomnia can include:
-Can’t readily get to sleep, even though you are tired
-Waking up too early in the morning
-Using sleeping pills or alcohol to sleep
-Feeling tired or not wanting to get up after sleeping
-Drowsiness, exhaustion, or irritability
-Difficulty concentrating and forgetfulness
-Trouble getting back to sleep when waking up in the night
-Not being about to stay asleep or sleep through the night
Causes of Insomnia:
Stress, anxiety, and depression cause about half of all insomnia cases, but grief and loss ups the percentages considerably. Life stress, worries, bipolar and borderline disorders, anger, grief, and trauma are major factors in sleep problems and should be assessed to see if you may be unaware of their presence or effects.
Sleep greatly improves learning and memory. It triages memories, consolidating useful ones and discarding unhelpful or “duplicate” ones.
It also consolidates procedural memory, the memory of how to do things, which is one reason why athletes build it into their training routines.
As well as memory, sleep enhances mood and cognitive functioning.
Often the problem is habits that you don’t notice and may feel reluctant to alter until realizing how troublesome they are. The choice is yours, but not acting can have dire consequences on your short-term and long-term health.
You may not be aware that many prescription drugs can interfere with sleep, such as antidepressants, stimulants for ADHD, corticosteroids, thyroid hormone, high blood pressure medications, and some contraceptives. It is wise to make a list, go online to one of the many sources such as RxList and check, then discuss with your Dr.
Common over-the-counter culprits include cold and flu medications that contain alcohol, pain relievers that contain caffeine (Midol, Excedrin), diuretics, and slimming pills. (Information from webmd.com).
Insomnia, as noted above, is a sleep disorder but it can actually be caused by OTHER sleep disorders such as jet lag, night work, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, night terrors, particularly disturbing dreams and more, which is why a medical check-up with full disclosure on your part (always take notes you made in with you) is important.
What Can You Do?
Very often simple, fairly easy changes to your daily habits can put a stop to insomnia, please continue reading, below.
How Can You Fix Lack of Sleep? With Sleep Hygiene!
You have a good chance of turning the problem around if you look at EVERYTHING that may be affecting you negatively.
Here are just a few:
-Make a sleep diary on paper, or in your device, and track exactly what is going on & when.
-Do you sleep with a pet? If you can’t get Fluffy out of your bed, then you’d better commit to once a day brushing – just before bed (and not in the bedroom area) is necessary.
-Are your sheets and bed linens washed in hot water/hot dryer once a week to be fresh, to kill dust mites, rid them of allergens, etc.?
-Go to bed and get up at roughly the same time – even on weekends. This is important for your biological clock and circadian rhythms. Biologically it is proven that we internally respond to changes in the seasons, sun and moon, which is why jet lag and Daylight Savings Time can be so challenging for most of us. To set your bio-clock it is very important to get up and go to bed at the same time each day in order to feel well and be healthy.
-Do you have black out curtains (they are inexpensive and can hang behind your existing curtains or can be hung atop blinds)?
-Regular exercise of 30 minutes or more most days of the week will nearly always make a big improvement in sleep quality, but the effect is cumulative, not instant. Just not late in the day…
-Getting natural Vitamin D is so important for physical and mental health. It’s free but many people around the world live in areas where they can’t get enough. A huge federally funded study, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine found that ¾ of US teens and adults are deficient in the so-called “Sunshine Vitamin”. This is very serious! Other studies blame this deficiency on leading to cancer, heart disease, diabetes, obesity and much more. A time-honored treatment for depression is getting outside for a walk daily. Many US children are seriously deficient due to being allowed to stay inside and play computer games.
-Avoid taking naps unless you are ill and limit them to not more than ½ hour and never after 3 PM. If you need more detail on this, there is an abundance on the web.
-If your bedroom is noisy, get an air purifier as they usually have a soft, soothing sound, and clean the air while distributing a soft breeze that moves the stale air around a bit.
-Do you watch TV, play video games, or use a computer, tablet or smart phone in bed?
Your bedroom should be for sex and sleep – really nothing else. Meditate, read, watch TV elsewhere so that when you go into your bedroom your psyche is primed to know it is time to sleep, or have sex and fall asleep.
-Do not fall asleep on the couch. As soon as you are sleepy, go to bed.
-Do you have caffeine or uppers (coffee, tea, nicotine, soda, drugs) after 4 pm?
-Some people benefit from ear plugs or a sleep mask. It’s a matter of preference.
-Lots of research shows that a cool bedroom is MUCH more conducive to sleep than a warmer one. Throw on an extra blanket or warmer pajamas. Try it. You will sleep better.
-Do you exercise or eat after 8 pm? Heavy, spicy meals cause sleep problems.
-Never, never get in an argument or read the news or social media just before bed. Quiet activities such as reading, soft music, meditation are all very helpful just before bed. I purposely read with a soft light before bed, as it is non-stimulating and causes a little eye fatigue, making me feel sleepy faster.
-Do you use alcohol to fall asleep? Do you use it to get back to sleep? If so, you are starting a vicious cycle and very possibly an addiction. Yes, alcohol will definitely help you go to sleep. It will also assure an unhealthy sleep and it will assure that when it cycles through your system causing blood sugar drops and other problems, it will then turn on you and wake you up. Then you need more alcohol to go back to sleep – and then addiction enters the arena. This is a particular problem for older people who are susceptible to sleep problems and dependence on alcohol in trying to fight insomnia. Its use can also add to dangerous falls, unsafe driving and other serious problems.
-Get off the screens one hour before sleep & cover the blue lights in your bedroom. You know what I’m talking about. Your TV, phone, alarm, computer, tablets, etc. all have blue or light that severely disrupts sleep, blocks your body’s production of melatonin and throws off your natural rhythms so important for health and sleep.
-If you can’t fall asleep, get up briefly, without turning on a lot of lights, and do something calming such as make a note of what is on your mind that needs to be done the next day, get a warm bath, have ½ cup of a warm non-caffeinated drink (more than 4 oz. is likely to make you wake up to visit the bathroom), meditate, etc. then get right back in bed as soon as you feel a little sleepy or are yawning.
-When you are struggling, just decide to enjoy relaxing and not making sleep the immediate goal. Without even getting out of bed you can do progressive muscle relaxation, prayer, meditation, visualize yourself on a beach calmly counting each wave until you drop off to sleep if you don’t like to get out of bed.
-Stop worrying and tell yourself that whatever is the issue you will address it in the morning. Write what is worrying you on a pad by the bed so you aren’t also worrying about forgetting it when you wake up.
-If you can’t self-regulate and improve your sleep, get help right away.
Your health and your thinking ability is too important not to take care of.
Happy sleep tonight.
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Reminder:
For information about a wide range of articles and helpful information you could visit my website: www.valentinotherapy.com–
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I post several times a week to:
Facebook: Valentino Therapy
Facebook: Parenting With Help
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-also-
Blogs at WordPress:
Valentino Therapy
Addiction Hurts
All this information and help is almost like having a therapist for free. 
Nothing is for sale unless WordPress or FB has slipped something of their own in, and I don’t capture your information or anything else. This information is solely meant to help and support people in their journeys in life.
Posted on September 25, 2018by Valentino Therapy
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Self-Care Checklist:
Since you are on a journey of understanding and growth on this site it is important to emphasize self-care. It’s critical to get through life in a healthy manner but especially to get through difficult changes.
Completing the following exercise will help (one of the surveys found in Outsmart Your Brain: How to Master Your Mind When Emotions Take the Wheel by Marcia Reynolds).
Is your business making you unhealthy?
Are you rushing around all day, all week ending up exhausted?
Is it possible you are doing things that aren’t critical to your mental and physical health?
I hope this check list can ask some questions that can put your life in order, remind you of what is important for sustaining your life and happiness.
Check the items you can honestly say are true for you.
ENVIRONMENT
o Is your office organized so you can find things easily?
o Are your work spaces pile-free?
o Does your home provide you comfort and a peaceful place where you can think?
o Are your appliances at home in working order?
o Do you have back-up systems in case of electric failure, including for your computers, at home and at work?
o Do you maintain your car regularly and is everything working properly?
o Does your home have a smoke detector, fire extinguisher and easy contact to the police?
o Do you keep enough home and office supplies so you don’t run out?
o Do you find the colors and wall decor in your home and office pleasing?
o Is the temperature in your home and office comfortable?
PHYSICAL HEALTH
o Do you sleep 6-8 hours every day?
o Is your bed comfortable?
o Does your back feel fine after sitting in your chair at work?
o Do you eat fresh, healthful food almost every day?
o Do you exercise at least three times a week?
o Is your cholesterol count within the normal range?
o Do you drink at least five glasses of filtered water each day?
o Do you drink two or less caffeinated drinks (coffee, tea, sodas) per day?
o Do you keep your sugar-intake to a minimum?
o Do you get a complete medical physical annually?
MENTAL HEALTH
o Do you wake up looking forward to your day?
o Do you take the time to acknowledge what you are grateful for each night?
o Do you take at least two vacations a year that refresh and energize you?
o Do you have someone in your life that hugs you regularly?
o Do you arrive at least five minutes early for your appointments?
o Do you take your time when driving?
o Do you promise only what you can deliver?
o Do you regularly explore new ways of perceiving the world?
o Do you have a good belly laugh at least once a day?
o Do you have at least two friends outside of your immediate family who you feel free to talk with about anything?
MONEY
o Are you debt free or on your way to releasing yourself from debt?
o Do you save at least 10% of your income?
o Do you carry enough cash in your wallet to cover emergencies?
o Do you feel you are compensated adequately for your work?
o Can you recover from a financial disappointment quickly?
o Do you have enough savings to cover a home, car, or health emergency?
o Do you carry enough insurance for your home, car and health?
o Do you invest in your own career development so you can earn more in the future?
o Do you have a special knowledge or skill that gives you job security?
o Do you have a reputable and knowledgeable financial advisor?
RELATIONSHIPS
o Do you have people in your life who encourage your dreams?
o Do you have friends to talk to when you need to relieve your stress?
o Have you said you are sorry to those who feel you have harmed in any way?
o Have you forgiven family members, friends and colleagues for hurting you?
o Have you resolved all of your conflicts so that you don’t avoid anyone?
o Do you tell your friends and family how much you care about them on a regular basis?
o Have you stopped trying to fix people?
o Have you disconnected from people who repeatedly disappoint, frustrate, or disrespect you as much as you can?
o Do you feel significant with everyone you come in contact with?
o Do you have a way of recharging your faith in life when you need to?
Tally up the boxes you checked.
TOTAL BOXES CHECKED ______ Date _____________________
– Set goals to achieve the boxes left blank, one box at a time.
-Start with the category you scored the highest on so you begin on your strongest foot.
-Work on this checklist until your score reaches at least 45.
-As your score increases, notice how much your energy increases as well.
-What would you add to this to make it even more useful for you?
(one of the surveys found in Outsmart Your Brain: How to Master Your Mind When Emotions Take the Wheel by Marcia Reynolds).
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist
Posted on September 22, 2018by Valentino Therapy
Photo by Breakingpic on Pexels.com
Negative emotions can eat a hole in our souls.
If your body and mind have been taking an emotional beating, you will certainly need a bit of self-care and well-being to get over it, and get through it in whatever ways and means are available to you — or new ones that you create.
Self-care is where we take our power back.
What is the one thing you could do for yourself this week?
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Pinterest: Ask This Therapist
4 Sесrеtѕ for Imрrоving Self-Confidence
This аrtiсlе ѕhаrеѕ 4 ѕесrеtѕ to imрrоving ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Mоѕt people tеnd to focus оn specific аrеаѕ whеn they try to imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе such аѕ imрrоving the way that thеу ѕреаk or give рrеѕеntаtiоnѕ in business meetings. This iѕ important but it is not thе рriоritу tо focus оn when trуing tо improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Bеlоw I brеаk dоwn the 4 ѕесrеtѕ tо self-confidence.
Imрrоvе уоur emotional fitnеѕѕ and mental ѕtаtе
Sеlf-соnfidеnсе iѕ аbоut еmоtiоnаl fitnеѕѕ. Most оf what we еxреriеnсе around the аrеа оf self-confidence gets influеnсеd mоrе by еmоtiоnѕ. Juѕt think аbоut whаt уоu go through whеn уоu fееl thаt you have рооr ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Most likеlу you feel аnxiоuѕ, dоubtful, fearful and unсеrtаin. At timеѕ уоu might even fееl likе уоu will embarrass yourself in a рubliс place or a meeting. It iѕ not always thаt wе are nоt ѕkillful, аblе or tаlеntеd. Mоѕt оf the time it iѕ our fееlingѕ thаt gеt in the wау аnd саuѕе us to be fеаrful. Fееlingѕ оf unсеrtаintу аnd inаdеquасу аrе also аѕѕосiаtеd with low ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе, fеаr оf rеjесtiоn, fаilurе, and еmbаrrаѕѕmеnt. All of thеѕе things are influеnсеd more bу оur еmоtiоnѕ аnd mеntаl state than аnуthing еlѕе. It is nоt unсоmmоn tо hаvе someone whо iѕ сараblе, bеing аfrаid tо dо something duе tо fеаr оf fаilurе, rejection аnd embarrassment. The journey to bесоming self-confident therefore starts with improving your emotional fitnеѕѕ and conditioning уоurѕеlf to hаvе a mind thаt ѕuрроrtѕ уоu instead оf a mindѕеt that wоrkѕ аgаinѕt you.
When you feel thаt уоu hаvе рооr ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе it is vеrу tеmрting tо focus оn thе ѕресifiс area whеrе уоu wаnt tо imрrоvе, ѕuсh аѕ speaking оr уоur аbilitу to present in meetings. Thiѕ iѕ еѕѕеntiаl but it iѕ mоrе of the еnd thаn the bеginning. Tо rеаllу imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе уоu nееd to firѕt imрrоvе уоur emotional fitnеѕѕ аnd mеntаl ѕtrеngth bеfоrе fосuѕing оn thе ѕресifiс аrеа thаt you wаnt tо improve. Doing thiѕ sets уоu uр mоrе for ѕuссеѕѕ thаn if уоu improve your skill set withоut dеаling with inner iѕѕuеѕ.
Imрrоving еmоtiоnаl fitness and your mindset bеfоrе imрrоving уоur ѕресifiс skill ѕеt will hеlр you create mоrе lаѕting сhаngе. Let mе givе уоu an еxаmрlе of hоw whаt I am tаlking аbоut right nоw wоrkѕ uѕing mаrаthоn runnеrѕ аѕ an еxаmрlе. An amateur runner сut соrnеrѕ when it соmеѕ to stretching. Hе or ѕhе might fееl likе it iѕ a wаѕtе of timе ѕреnding 15 minutеѕ ѕtrеtсhing and warming uр bеfоrе thе run аnd gеt tеmрtеd gеt ѕtаrtеd with thе exercise or marathon right away. Thiѕ in thе short-term might lооk likе a gооd dесiѕiоn because 15 minutеѕ оf stretching аnd warm uр iѕ saved as running ѕtаrtѕ immediately. It iѕ a grаvе mistake when соnѕidеring thе lоng-tеrm реrѕресtivе bесаuѕе thе аmаtеur runner might gеt injurеd from nоt ѕtrеtсhing аnd ѕuffеr a lоng рrоlоngеd реriоd withоut еxеrсiѕing and competing due to injurу.
Prоfеѕѕiоnаl runners know that ѕtrеtсhing аnd warm-up before thе mаrаthоn is аѕ imроrtаnt аѕ thе marathon itself аnd thеrеfоrе ѕреnd timе bеfоrе running to ѕtrеtсh аnd warm up, knowing it will benefit thеm.
Imрrоving self-confidence sometimes works the ѕаmе way. Before trуing tо imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе on thе ѕресifiс аrеа of your life whеthеr this iѕ аbоut ѕinging оr сооking оr ѕреаking well you nееd to ѕреnd time improving your еmоtiоnаl fitnеѕѕ аnd mindset. Because ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе iѕ more аbоut еmоtiоnаl strength аnd mindset. When уоu take care оf уоur emotional fitnеѕѕ a priority, your jоurnеу tо improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе bесоmеѕ muсh mоrе easier.
Frоm doing this уоu will gain thе ѕаmе benefit thаt thе lоng diѕtаnсе runner gеtѕ from spending 15 minutes ѕtrеtсhing bеfоrе hе ѕtаrtѕ running. You will be аblе to create lasting сhаngе in your lifе. What iѕ even more exciting iѕ thаt with the right lеvеl of emotional fitnеѕѕ уоu will bе аblе tо bоunсе bасk ѕhоuld уоu mаkе miѕtаkеѕ оr something сruѕhеѕ your еgо аѕ уоu аrе trуing tо imрrоvе your self- confidence. Onе реrѕоn said thаt ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе is nоt аbоut wаlking intо the rооm and have еvеrуbоdу get excited to ѕее you. It iѕ аbоut wаlking intо the room knowing that if nоbоdу accepts you оr if you mаkе a miѕtаkе аnd embarrass yourself уоu will bе OK and have the ability to gеt uр and duѕt yourself up withоut bеing tоо miserable. Tо get to this lеvеl of self-confidence tаkеѕ emotional fitnеѕѕ. So first fосuѕ on emotional fitness to improve уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе.
Imрrоvе mаѕtеrу
Evеn thоugh еmоtiоnаl fitnеѕѕ is thе first рriоritу tо imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе, I would likе уоu to nоtе thаt nо оnе iѕ соnfidеnt dоing ѕоmеthing thаt they feel thеу are nоt ѕkillful in dоing. You might feel соmfоrtаblе ѕреаking in рubliс and mауbе enjoy it, when уоu get аѕkеd tо sing and dance in рubliс a different story might unravel. Unless you аrе еxtrеmеlу multi-tаlеntеd уоu might fееl timid, nervous аnd hesitant. This is because doing оnе ѕресifiс thing well does nоt mаkе one a mаѕtеr in еvеrуthing. It iѕ imроrtаnt to practice аnd imрrоvе уоur mаѕtеrу lеvеl tо imрrоvе ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Aftеr уоu hаvе соnditiоnеd yourself еmоtiоnаllу аnd mеntаllу idеntifу what it iѕ thаt you would likе tо do wеll аnd improve уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе dоing. Mауbе you would like to fееl less anxious in social ѕituаtiоnѕ оr tо speak. Whаtеvеr it iѕ thаt уоu want to improve уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе оn, identify it аnd ѕреnd time mastering thе ѕkillѕ to dеvеlор it. Thiѕ will hеlр уоu improve your self-confidence. Aѕ уоu learn аnd trу tо imрrоvе you might tаkе some time tо master thе ѕkillѕ thаt уоu want to imрrоvе well. If уоu have developed thе right emotional strength аnd mental ѕtrеngth уоu will find yourself rесоvеring wеll аftеr ѕеtbасkѕ and gеtting еnсоurаgеd until you imрrоvе your ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе.
Imрrоvе ѕеlf-еѕtееm
When trуing tо improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе, hаving low ѕеlf-еѕtееm саn ѕоmеtimеѕ wоrk аgаinѕt your еffоrtѕ. Nо mаttеr how good уоu become аt dоing something if you dо nоt ассерt yourself and see уоurѕеlf in a роѕitivе light уоu might аlwауѕ find ways tо сritiсizе yourself and ѕесоnd guess yourself. Having a healthy ѕеlf-еѕtееm iѕ thеrеfоrе extremely important fоr improving self-confidence. Improving уоur ѕеlf-еѕtееm will help уоu easily develop ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе in thе ѕресifiс аrеаѕ оf your lifе and bе аblе to еnjоу аnу success that you сrеаtе as thе result of improved self-confidence.
Trаin уоur ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе
Sеlf-соnfidеnсе iѕ likе a muѕсlе. Thе more уоu tеасh уоurѕеlf tо bе ѕеlf-соnfidеnt in challenging ѕituаtiоnѕ, thе more you get bеttеr. Sеlf-соnfidеnt people аrеn’t vаѕtlу diffеrеnt frоm аnуоnе еlѕе. Thеу hаvе juѕt lеаrned tо mаnаgе thеir fееlingѕ in thе face оf pressure or adversity. One of the best ways to improve ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе is tо асt, dеѕрitе fеаr and аnxiеtу. Dоing thiѕ will train your ѕеlf-соnfidеnсе. Onе реrѕоn ѕаid thаt thоѕе thаt аrе successful dо еxреriеnсе fear, thеу juѕt lеаrn tо асt, dеѕрitе fear. Whatever it is that уоu fеаr bеgin practicing conquering it. If уоu hаvе ѕосiаl аnxiеtу аnd аrе аfrаid tо meet реорlе in ѕосiаl ѕituаtiоnѕ, рlауfullу start meeting people аnd рuѕh уоurѕеlf to, dеѕрitе уоur anxiety. If уоu fear ѕреаking up during meetings start pushing уоurѕеlf аnd ѕау a fеw wоrdѕ in the nеxt meeting thаt уоu have. Fееl thе аnxiеtу as it tries to ѕtор уоu but асt аnуwау. Many реорlе whо fасе сhаllеnging ѕituаtiоnѕ and pressure including аthlеtеѕ, ѕkу divеrѕ and even еntrерrеnеurѕ lеаrn to асt dеѕрitе аnxiеtу. Dо thе same thing that they do in уоur lifе, it will hеlр уоu.
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
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Posted on August 11, 2018by Valentino Therapy
Why Do We Need Friends?
Friends are very important.
So important, in fact, that it’s been proven that friendship can extend life expectancy and lower incident of heart disease. Friendship ignites the part of the brain that makes us feel good, which makes us want to keep hanging out with our friends.
Our friends influence us in so many ways, including helping us to develop critical life skills at every point in our aging.
Having friends can help you get more friends so realize those you are introduced to are important. People want to be friends with folks that are said to be nice and helpful – are you projecting that?
Close friends can be a vital lifeline of support.
Most of us know that “Couple Friends” can support your own relationship if they have a good one of their own and are respectful of one another.
One of the most valuable things that friends can do is give you a reality check when you are going over the edge of clothing choices, behaviors and attitudes too.
It takes effort all throughout life to make friends, to hold onto the ones you have and to replace those who move, die or are no longer compatible with your views and needs.
The older you get the harder it can be to make friends. It takes more work since you are no longer looking for someone to come out and play ball before dinner.
So how long does it take to make friends? How much time is involved?
A recent study from Kansas University found that the average adult needs to spend 50 hours of time with a person for you to be able to reasonably consider them a casual friend.
And then it takes 90 hours to become real friends and 200 hours for someone to be your close friend.
How can you make a friend?
It generally starts best by not under or over-disclosing or you will start the interaction on a negative vein.
Many people find that asking a couple of simple non-personal questions or giving a compliment relaxes the other party and encourages conversation. Hopefully, they will reciprocate in like kind. Your share might be as simple as admitting you are shy around strangers or that you are new and hoping to make friends or get to know people.
So, sharing a very small personal piece of information to see if they will do the same lets you know how willing they are to engage and possibly become friends.
Then in subsequent meetings you share very slightly more personal information and wait to see if that sharing at about the same level is returned.
And it goes on from there in small increments at each meeting.
If someone immediately over-shares personal information you might want to back off; if you over-share you should also expect some backward peddling.
How about work? In order to make lasting adult friendships with colleagues, you have to remove the friendship from the workplace and spend time together outside the office. And if you leave that work place you obviously need to work to keep up the friendship. Just being around someone at work and chatting with them daily doesn’t mean you are friends. You need to find common interests and invite them to go share some activity with you.
You make friends so you live long, so you are happier, and so your people skills constantly increase with the changing times. It’s important.
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
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Posted on July 30, 2018by Valentino Therapy
Tор 5 Jоb Stress Buѕtеrѕ
Who doesn’t fееl stressed аt wоrk? Deadlines, thе boss, your со-wоrkеrѕ, thе customers, thе job dеѕсriрtiоn – are аll роtеntiаl ѕоurсеѕ of anxiety оr ѕtrеѕѕ.
Yеt, a job is more than a рау сhесk fоr mоѕt оf uѕ.
Yоur jоb is tiеd tо уоur feeling of ѕеlf-wоrth, vаluе and аdеԛuасу.
If уоur ѕkillѕ аrе nоt completely bеing utilizеd, уоu may nоt be сhаllеngеd tо rеасh уоur роtеntiаl, саuѕing bоrеdоm аnd fееlingѕ оf being unfulfilled – and you become depressed or wonder if you will ever find a better job while doing little to find out.
If the rеԛuirеmеntѕ оf the jоb еxсееd уоur skills, ԛuаlifiсаtiоnѕ оr knоwlеdgе bаѕе, уоu mау fееl overwhelmed аnd unрrераrеd tо meet thе challenge.
Evеn if уоur job ѕuffiсiеntlу mаtсhеѕ уоur talents аnd сhаllеngеѕ уоu to reach your full роtеntiаl, thе demands of the jоb саn bеgin to tаkе thеir tоll, expecially if you find yourself working overly long hours or having to take work home.
If not mаnаgеd оr balanced properly, jоb stress саn litеrаllу destroy bоth уоur wоrk аnd hоmе life.
Here аrе some tiрѕ to еаѕе thе pressure.
1. Figure оut how уоu truly fееl аbоut thе jоb.
- Tаkе some timе to еxаminе whаt уоu get out of thе jоb (оutѕidе of thе paycheck).
- Dо you еvеr fееl really gооd аbоut thе wоrk уоu do?
- Do you fееl thаt уоur соntributiоnѕ make a positive imрасt оn thе сliеntѕ, thе environment, even the wоrld?
- Are you dоing whаt you rеаllу wаnt tо be doing?
- Iѕ there ѕоmеthing еlѕе thаt intеrеѕtѕ уоu?
- Mеditаtе on what уоur job means to you.
- If it iѕ nоt your dream job оr уоur lifе’ѕ wоrk, then соnѕidеr what is.
2. Figure out thе рrоѕ аnd thе cons.
- Mаkе a list of all thе thingѕ you likе about thе job, a Cost vs. Benefits Analysis.
- Whаt аrе аll the benefits?
- Then make a list оf аll thе thingѕ уоu would rather live withоut.
- Whаt dо you hate about the jоb?
- Cоmраrе thе twо lists.
- It соuld bе that your bоѕѕ is a pain in thе nесk, but уоu realize thаt thiѕ is a ѕtеррing stone tо gеt tо thе роѕitiоn thаt уоu аrе passionate аbоut.
- In thаt case, though thе bоѕѕ is a ѕоurсе оf stress, уоu mау be аblе tо create a рlаn to help you manage thаt ѕtrеѕѕ until уоu аrе аblе to move into thе роѕitiоn уоu rеаllу wаnt.
3. Put thingѕ in реrѕресtivе.
- Mаnу times our ѕtrеѕѕ is in our оwn hеаdѕ.
- That dоеѕn’t make thе ѕtrеѕѕ аnу less rеаl, but it is stress that we have more control over.
- Our аttitudе, the wау wе fееl about a situation, can саuѕе more ѕtrеѕѕ than the ѕituаtiоn itself.
- Bу figuring оut if whаt iѕ bothering you аt wоrk iѕ as important аѕ you think it iѕ, thе сirсumѕtаnсеѕ may become more bеаrаblе.
- Mауbе mоѕt of the сuѕtоmеrѕ are rudе, but thеrе аrе оnе оr two regulars who truly dереnd on you and are quick tо оffеr wоrdѕ оf аррrесiаtiоn.
- Pеrhарѕ thе со-wоrkеrѕ are all bасk stabbing, brоwn-nоѕеrѕ, but уоu knоw one or twо truѕtеd colleagues whо rеаllу have уоur bасk.
- Sinсе wе all knоw the scales of lifе аrе uѕuаllу nоt bаlаnсеd, is it роѕѕiblе tо live hаррilу with the littlе viсtоriеѕ?
- Thus, rеliеving muсh оf the mеntаl stress with a ѕlight аdjuѕtmеnt in уоur attitude.
- Once you have decided the job is what you want, then monitoring your negative, unnoticed thoughts is a must. We all allow negative talk to circulate in our heads filled with untrue, unhelpful or unwanted thoughts. Using the CBT STOP method works exceptionally well to alleviate that. Please check out my blog on ___ and ___ dated ___ for a full explanation of the STOP method using basic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a well-respected, evidenced based treatment useful for dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression or more.
4. Create a рlаn.
- Regardless оf whаt triggеrѕ уоur jоb ѕtrеѕѕ, the оbѕtасlе саn possibly bе dеаlt with.
- You can сrеаtе a рlаn tо overcome it or аt thе very lеаѕt, dеаl with it until an орроrtunitу рrеѕеntѕ itѕеlf tо rеmоvе it frоm уоur раth.
- Even if уоu dесidе to leave уоur сurrеnt jоb fоr a nеw оnе, dо some rеѕеаrсh, set rеаliѕtiс gоаlѕ and сrеаtе аn асtiоn plan to rеасh thеm.
- Yоu dоn’t want tо еxсhаngе оnе оvеrlу ѕtrеѕѕful ѕituаtiоn fоr аnоthеr, ѕо tаkе timе to рrераrе аnd create that рlаn.
5. Get some help.
- Cоnѕidеr ѕреаking with a therapist, саrееr counselor, a stress mаnаgеmеnt соасh оr a life соасh. Thеѕе рrоfеѕѕiоnаlѕ аrе trаinеd tо ask thе right ԛuеѕtiоnѕ tо hеlр уоu gаin сlаritу and dеvеlор a рlаn that bеѕt ѕuitѕ уоur gоаlѕ.
- Cоnѕidеr lеаrning stress management tесhniԛuеѕ tо hеlр you rеlаx.
- These саn bе used tо аllеviаtе stress in оthеr аrеаѕ of lifе as wеll.
- Thе more stress you rеliеvе, thе better equipped уоu аrе tо deal with thе stresses in life thаt аrе inevitable.
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, MFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
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Posted on July 26, 2018by Valentino Therapy
Mind Over Matter – Happiness or Discontent
Research shows that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is the fastest and most effective for many conditions my clients are frequently describing.
Here’s some information on the STOP method which I helped develop and I promise you it works.
The first thing is to catch an unhelpful thought (meaning you have to be mindful and breathing deeply enough for your brain to get enough fresh oxygen to make great decisions), then vividly imagine a red, octagonal STOP sign and shout STOP! If you are around others, I’d advise you to shout silently, but w/some emotion. That should short-circuit your problem thought for 2 to 6 seconds, so you need to immediately substitute it with an entirely different, positive thought, or even a problem such as, “Where did I leave the keys to ___?”
Why don’t you take your most troubling thought right now? When you have troubling thoughts it is often a great opportunity to practice CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Originally introduced to treat depression it is now used for a variety of issues, such as negative thoughts, anxieties, fearful thoughts, unnecessary worry and a host of other troublesome automatic thinking patterns. The thought record is one of the fundamental tools in CBT.
The underlying principle can be summarized as “what do you believe, and why do you believe it and are you aware of the feeling/emotion in your body when you think this thought?”. A columned thought record can be used to:
•identify negative automatic thoughts (NATs)
•help clients understand the links between thoughts and emotions
•examine the evidence for and against a selected NAT – is it true, what can be done about it
In therapy clients often need assistance and practice in identifying the link between thoughts and emotions before they move on to challenging thoughts and substituting more helpful thoughts for less helpful ones. Some clients might find it helpful to practice identifying NATs using a Simple Thought Record before introducing the complexity of evidence-gathering and thought challenging.
The principle stems from Socratic Reasoning (is it true, is it always true, then is it false, is it always false)
The simplest version is:
What is your core belief (negative thought)?
List 3 reasons why it is true (or why I want it):
1.
2.
3.
List 3 reasons why it might not be true (or why it would not be good for me):
1.
2.
3.
What could you do to improve or eliminate this situation:
1.
2.
3.
Our thoughts control how we feel about ourselves and the world around us.
Positive thoughts lead to us feeling good and negative thoughts can put us down.
Sometimes our thoughts happen so quickly that we fail to notice them, but they can still affect our mood.
These are called automatic thoughts. They are often negative or at least not useful. They can even apply to ruminations about romantic partners lost or present.
Oftentimes, our automatic thoughts are negative and irrational – sometimes not but can still be intrusive and unwanted. Identifying these negative automatic thoughts and replacing them with new rational thoughts can improve our mood.
CBT generally makes liberal use of worksheets to help quickly pinpoint the thoughts that are troubling you which saves time and speeds up therapy.
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, LMFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
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Posted on July 18, 2018by Valentino Therapy
Grief and Loss
There are many ways to deal with a loss.
It’s likely that more than one method may be useful to get through it.
Therapy can certainly help people avoid Complicated or Prolonged Grief and it can also help with Grief and Loss.
Nearly all helping tools and methods have to do with honoring what you had and not what you lost – being glad you had the person, not that you lost them.
Part of our self-identity comes from the relationships we have with other people. When someone you care for dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent”. Maybe you are no longer the close friend, son or daughter, etc. – sometimes even an employee, if you’ve lost a needed job. The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.
A death or great loss sometimes requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died, or you may now find a painful void in yourself that the lost one had filled.
You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by or with the person who died.
And you grow as a person when learning to fill your own void.
Many people discover that as they must adjust, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a more caring, responsible or kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living and thriving even though you continue to feel a strong sense of loss.
Stages of Grief and Loss
A good starting place is read the Stages of Grief and Loss, readily available on the internet, to determine where you are on that list so that some of your feelings can perhaps feel normalized and the next Stages expected, making them more manageable.
Making Meaning
Making meaning will be as varied as personalities are.
A positive approach is needed to leave your personal feelings of loss or regret and focus and what that person gave you.
How are you different from having known them?
Did they make you feel safe and accepted?
Maybe they gave you or enhanced your sense of humor?
Perhaps they introduced religion or spirituality or Buddhism or meditation or Forest Bathing or other ways of learning to self soothe.
Were they a success in some way that inspired you?
What was special about them that you’d like to emulate?
Actions
Some people find comfort with planting a tree or bush in the memory of the person who has left.
Others prefer to donate to a group that would resonate with him/her.
Some write letters to help them come to acceptance and burying them when putting a special plant in the ground.
A letter that is burned so that the smoke goes up to the heavens is not uncommon.
I know a person who went to Iceland to see the Northern Lights feeling her loved one was there.
Some Latin countries celebrate The Day of the Dead once a year to honor those dear to them that have passed.
The Chinese also celebrate once a year in April. On this holiday China’s cemeteries are more densely populated with the living than the dead. Millions of people of Chinese descent visit the graves of their ancestors to burn paper money or other paper made into cars, houses, boats, hearts, etc. and believe that if you burn paper money and other offerings at the graves of your ancestors, they will receive them in the afterlife and, thinking kindly of you, put them to use. The graves are cleaned before candles and incense are lit. Often, messages to the deceased are also spoken out loud. This holiday of remembrance has become a bit commercialized, as has our Christmas, but it is about joy and love – not loss.
What could you do that could give you peace and meaning?
Reading
Many find solace in quiet reading.
I very recently bought these books for someone very close to me and she said they helped a lot.
-Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving
-Getting Thru What You Can’t Get Over
-Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, LMFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
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Posted on July 9, 2018by Valentino Therapy
Journaling Proven to Boost Self Esteem.
Could that be true?
Journaling records go back all the way to 10thcentury Japan.
Successful people throughout history have kept journals. Presidents have maintained them for posterity; other famous figures for their own purposes. Oscar Wilde, the 19th-century playwright, said: “I never travel without my diary. One should always have. Why not try it?
Though clinicians make the claim about journaling benefits quite often, and more and more research backs it up. Some feel that a journal is an excellent way to get negative experiences and thoughts out of you and onto the paper so you can write about your feelings, reactions, anger, hurt and, ideally, conclude that entry with an action plan for the future to deal with similar situations differently.
Many journalists report a release of tension, anxiety and generalized unhappiness immediately after journaling a negative interaction or event. My clients have found this to be very useful.
Setting goals for happiness or achievement and the steps planned to attain them are particularly useful too.
Other professionals advise a journal to be used solely to compliment yourself daily on conducting yourself in an estimable manner, helping others, accomplishing tasks and highlighting your good qualities. Everyone has positive traits, behaviors, and accomplishments that are forgotten or that go unnoticed. Paying tribute to these can boost both self-esteem and self-respect over time.
Writing about gratitude is proven to fight both depression and anxiety.
Cursive writing uses your left brain, the base of analytical and rational thought so you can clarify your thoughts but leaves the right brain free to create, imagine, feel, and clarify what really makes you happy and satisfied.
Writing about disagreements and unpleasant encounters helps to come up with sensible solutions if you first let all the emotion out.
If you are right-handed, cursive writing is slightly more effective than for left-handed persons but highly beneficial for all.
There is no right or wrong way to journal, except it is highly advisable to do at least just a bit every day, any way you want, not worrying about spelling, grammar or how upset you may be with someone. It is easiest if you select a manageable size and keep the journal with you so that you can make a note whenever convenient or before an insight is lost. I do advise finding a way to keep your writing private though.
I’ve found that tremendous value can be had by reading your entries at the end of every month. You’d be amazed at how much you’ve accomplished, grown, decided on – or whatever was the theme of your writing over that month-long period.
Visit the below sites for a great deal of helpful information about a variety of subject.
Author: Sharon Valentino, LMFT
Valentino Therapy – CA LMFT, RAS, ChT, CATC IV (#51746)
Visit my web: www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: Valentino Therapy and Ask This Therapist
Posted on June 17, 2018 by Valentino Therapy
What to Do If You’re Worried a Loved One Has an Addiction Problem
Coming to the realization that a loved one has an addiction problem can conjure up an abundance of emotions, but the worst thing you can do is ignore the issue. Blaming yourself for letting it happen is not a constructive use of your energy. If they’ve been lying to you recently, understand that you can’t take this type of behavior personally, as this one of the side effects of addiction. You’re dealing with a completely different person now, so you’ve got to support your loved one as they are now — not who they were before drugs or alcohol took over their life. While you can’t magically fix the problem for them, you can make an effort to help them move in the right direction. Here’s how to get started.
Familiarize Yourself with the Different Types of Treatment
Before approaching your loved one, familiarize yourself with the different types of treatment available. It can be helpful to have talking points that could help motivate this person if you hit on a point of interest. For example, maybe the thought of a traditional 12-step program scares someone. In this case, pointing out other methods, such as those that are either more religious-based or holistic, can make treatment seem less daunting. However, it’s not uncommon for recovery survivors to have feelings of shame and guilt. There are also several alternative therapies (to be used in conjunction with a traditional program) that can help banish cravings, prevent relapse, and help patients start a new sober life. Some examples include yoga, exercise, gardening, pet and art therapies, meditation, and acupuncture.
How to Confront Your Loved One
There’s no doubt that confronting a loved one may be one of the most difficult things you have to do, but make sure you go in with compassion, not anger or hostility. Giving a person with an addiction problem reasons to be hopeful has proven to be helpful when they’re in treatment. Before having the talk, consult with an addiction physician or certified addiction mental health professional for guidance. Try to come up with as many details as possible, including what they’re using, how often, what side effects you’ve noticed, behavioral changes, etc.
Avoid speaking to your loved one when they’re under the influence, as the conversation is liable to get you nowhere or turn violent. Don’t approach them when they’re running out the door, as you’re going to need a good amount of time to have a discussion. Emphasize how much you care, but list very specific behaviors and actions that prompt you to believe there’s a problem. Make sure that you ask open-ended questions to avoid a lecture-like feel. Be prepared for denial and revisit the conversation at a later date. However, if you notice a life-threatening situation, seek help immediately via a crisis hotline or 911.
If you’ve made several attempts to try to get your loved one into treatment without success, it may be time to stage an intervention, especially if you feel their health is in serious danger. At this juncture, loop in a substance abuse counselor or intervention specialist to help back you up and provide expertise during the confrontation. Gather a group of friends, family, and other concerned loved ones and make sure everyone clears their schedule for at least a couple of hours. Make sure everyone is prepared to communicate clear thoughts and feelings. Choose a location that feels safe for your loved one such as your home or theirs, but don’t hold them against their will. Offer love, compassion, and resources to help them through the recovery process. If they accept help, note that this is not the end of your support, but just the beginning.
Author
Bethany Hatton, a retired librarian with 32 years of experience, created PreventAddiction.info after her oldest grandson became addicted to opioids.
As her grandson recovered from an overdose, the number of questions Bethany had about his illness swelled: How had his addiction developed? Could she and other family members have done anything differently along the way? And most importantly, how could she help him get better and ensure others in her family and community didn’t suffer the same fate? Using the research skills she honed during her work as a librarian, she dedicated herself to searching the internet to find the most reputable, reliable information to share on her site. She analyzed, compiled, and categorized hundreds of resources so that she could be sure she included only the best of the best for her visitors.
Though she discovered there is no guaranteed way to prevent addiction; she was able to find many helpful resources that can keep the public up to date on the latest prevention, addiction, and recovery information.
For more help and information about a wide range of articles and information you could visit my website: www.valentinotherapy.com– Pinterest: Ask This Therapist (new and building more info daily)or Instagram: Ask This Therapist (also new and building a few posts weekly).
I post several times a week to:
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Blogs at WordPress:
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All this information and help is almost like having a therapist for free.
Nothing is for sale unless WordPress or FB has slipped something of their own in, and I don’t capture your information or anything else. This information is solely meant to help and support people in their journeys in life. Sharon Valentino, CA LMFT
Posted on May 21, 2018 by Valentino Therapy
How Families Can Handle a Loved One’s Addiction
So you’re ready for your loved one to get help for addiction, but he or she isn’t open to the idea. You’re not alone. Most addicts are unwilling patients. Usually, a life-altering event – such as a court order, divorce, loss of job, or hospitalization – pushes the addict into seeking treatment. There are ways that family and friends can help their loved one realize they need treatment before such devastating events occur.
From the Addict’s Point of View
The National Institute on Drug Abuse defines addiction as “a chronic, relapsing brain disease that is characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use, despite harmful consequences.” The addiction changes the structure of the brain and how it works, leaving addicts powerless and unable to make rational decisions and realize the severity of their disease. Addicts depend on drugs to function and make excuses to justify even their worst actions. Even in the face of losing a job, ruining relationships, and other negative consequences, addicts may still deny a problem exists and may resist treatment.
While the initial decision to try drugs or alcohol may be voluntary, when addiction takes over, the person’s ability to exercise self-control becomes significantly impaired. Through brain-imaging studies on addicts, experts have shown how drugs physically change the areas of the brain that are necessary for judgment, decision making, learning, memory, and behavior control.
From the Family’s Point of View
Addiction affects family and friends as much as it affects the addict. Family and friends may grow resentful of the addict or live in fear of the addict. Relationships with significant others and children are often in conflict. Many couples argue over money because the addict may lose his or her job, miss hours at work, make poor financial decisions, or spend a lot of money on drugs or alcohol.
Friends and family can suffer emotional trauma as the addict may yell, talk down to, insult, or manipulate them. Physical violence can occur in the household of an addict. Addicts may also engage in infidelity. All of these issues can lead to breakups, legal separation, or divorce.
How to Help
The first way to help your loved one is to get educated about addiction. Realize that addiction is a debilitating disease, and treat it as such. Educating yourself can help you provide support, patience, and understanding. Get support from groups or individual sessions with a mental health professional.
You can’t control your loved one’s behavior, but you can control how you react to the addiction and ensure you’re not enabling him or her. While you should certainly help your loved one in positive ways, such as looking for a job or choosing a treatment center, set clear boundaries around behaviors you deem unacceptable. For example, don’t allow him or her to hang around when they’re high or drunk. Likewise, don’t allow the addict to borrow money.
“Setting and enforcing boundaries not only allows loved ones to resume control of their lives, practice healthy detachment, and safeguard their own health and well-being but also helps the addict face the natural consequences of their actions,” says Psych Central. Staging an intervention works in many cases and can be a highly effective way to break through the addict’s denial and get him or her to agree to treatment.
Intervention
Through intervention, friends and family get the addict’s attention and help their loved one understand the consequences of his or her destructive behavior before more serious consequences arise. A professional known as an interventionist helps to assess the situation, recommend treatment facilities and long-term after care plans, and ensure that the process remains productive and healing. There are specific steps that should be taken before, during, and after an intervention.
Your loved one may agree to receive treatment, but you and your family still need to seek professional help as well. Living with an addict can cause emotional trauma, especially in children, and as such, families of addicts should seek counseling. Each individual can attend counseling, or everyone can attend counseling as a family. When addiction recovery and therapy begin, the family can begin to heal and move toward a brighter, healthier, and happier future.
By guest author Adam Cook. Mr. Cook is the founder of Addiction Hub, which locates and catalogs addiction resources. He is interested in helping people find the necessary resources to save their lives from addiction. Adam’s mission is to provide people struggling with substance abuse with resources to help them recover.
Sharon Valentino, Psychotherapist, Behavioral Health
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Valentino Therapy
CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC IV,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area
Psychotherapist, Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, Masters Counseling Psychology,
Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Pain, Family & Couples Issues, Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens. Tech execs & engineers.
PRIVATE ONLINE EMAIL AND PHONE THERAPY AVAILABLE FOR CALIF. ONLY
p: 415.215.5363
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w: http://www.valentinotherapy.com e: [email protected]
Posted on May 21, 2018 by Valentino Therapy
Really? How do you get what you want?
First, you can’t expect other people to give it to you. It has to come from you.
Here’s the secret: Keep uppermost in your mind that if you want to accomplish something (anything) you must first expect it of yourself.
I read this somewhere and have kept the saying because, over the years, it has proven so true – both for my therapy clients and myself as well. Sometimes I’ve achieved what I want with astonishing speed. It has made me a believer.
Watch a child learning to ride a bike. They are totally determined to master this skill and gain a freedom they never knew before. They are focused and it is uppermost in their minds. They aren’t allowing habitual negative thinking to be uppermost in their minds. They are concentrating on the task that they really want to master.
It doesn’t matter whether you are hoping to be the best athlete, lose weight, keep a clean house, be a better lover or parent, or…on and on, if you are just hoping for it, it is not so likely to occur. You have to “keep it forefront in your mind” as something that you are not hoping for – it must be something you are committed to achieving. How do you do that? Interestingly, there are many methods reported to succeed.
Some have used journaling every day, others use daily meditating on the desired outcome, and others say using the Biblical advice of “Pray all the time.” has produced miracles for them, even including healing. Some set alarms on their phone, while others find support in like-minded groups where the goal is stated, members reinforce it, as do regular meetings of some sort (even if it is meeting a friend for a walk, run or golf game). When I was younger I used to place Post-Its in various places where I’d see them a few times a day. Now I use Outlook because I have to look at my calendar several times a day, so I’m reminded quite often of what I want so I won’t lose sight or get distracted. But research shows that if you are visual, it is very helpful to have pictures in various places of what you want so that you are reminded visually several times a day. Others who want a car, for example, get a small model of the one they want and keep it on their work desk.
However, besides commitment and reinforcers, it is critical to examine automatic negative thoughts and messages you may be giving yourself that are unhelpful, untrue or not useful that say you can’t do or have what you want. This self-sabotage goes on daily in our heads without our realizing it about so many issues. Our thoughts control how we feel about ourselves and the world around us and what we can accomplish. Positive thoughts lead to us feeling good and negative thoughts can put us down. Sometimes our thoughts happen so quickly that we fail to notice them, but they can still affect our mood and our actions. These are called automatic thoughts. They are often negative or at least not useful. They can even apply to ruminations about romantic partners lost or present or things we’ve wanted but failed to achieve. Oftentimes, our automatic thoughts are negative and irrational – sometimes not, but they can still be intrusive and unwanted. Identifying these negative automatic thoughts and replacing them with new rational thoughts can improve our mood and ability to get what we want. Research shows the fastest and most effective way of addressing this is with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Ask your therapist about this valuable tool or in the Bay Area contact me.
Therapy can be useful to clarify, quantify and help achieve your goals. And get you on the path that’s right for you…
Sharon Valentino, CHT, LMFT, CATC IV – Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, MFC51746, Addictions, Life Transitions, Habits, Goals, Achievement, Substance Abuseand Relapse, Anxiety, Depression, Aging, Relationships, Major Life & Business Decisions, Website: http://www.valentinotherapy.com – 3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA94965
Grief and Loss 
There are many ways to deal with a loss.
It’s likely that more than one method may be useful to get through it.
Therapy can certainly help people avoid Complicated or Prolonged Grief and can certainly help with Grief and Loss.
Nearly all helping tools and methods have to do with honoring what you had and not what you lost – being glad you had the person, not that you lost them. Part of our self-identity comes from the relationships we have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent”. Maybe you are no longer the close friend, son or daughter, etc. – sometimes even an employee, if you’ve lost a needed job. The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. A death or great loss sometimes requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died or you may now find a painful void in yourself that the lost one had filled. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by or with the person who died. And you grow as a person when learning to fill your own void. Many people discover that as they must adjust, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a more caring, responsible or kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living and thriving even though you continue to feel a strong sense of loss.
Stages of Grief and Loss
A good starting place is read the Stages of Grief and Loss, readily available on the internet, to determine where you are on that list so that some of your feelings can perhaps feel normalized and the next Stages expected, making them more manageable.
Making Meaning
- Making meaning will be as varied as personalities are.
- A positive approach is needed to leave your personal feelings of loss or regret and focus and what that person gave you.
- How are you different from having known them?
- Did they make you feel safe and accepted?
- Maybe they gave you or enhanced your sense of humor?
- Perhaps they introduced religion or spirituality or Buddhism or meditation or Forest Bathing or other ways of learning to self-soothe.
- Were they a success in some way that inspired you?
- What was special about them that you’d like to emulate?
Actions
- Some people find comfort with planting a tree or bush in the memory of the person who has left.
- Others prefer to donate to a group that would resonate with him/her.
- Some write letters to help them come to acceptance and burying them when putting a special plant in the ground.
- A letter that is burned so that the smoke goes up to the heavens is not uncommon.
- I know a person who went to Iceland to see the Northern Lights feeling her loved one was there.
- Some Latin countries celebrate The Day of the Dead once a year to honor those dear to them that have passed.
- The Chinese also celebrate once a year in April. On this holiday China’s cemeteries are more densely populated with the living than the dead. Millions of people of Chinese descent visit the graves of their ancestors to burn paper money or other paper made into cars, houses, boats, hearts, etc. and believe that if you burn paper money and other offerings at the graves of your ancestors, they will receive them in the afterlife and, thinking kindly of you, put them to use. The graves are cleaned before candles and incense are lit. Often, messages to the deceased are also spoken out loud. This holiday of remembrance has become a bit commercialized, as has our Christmas, but it is about joy and love – not the loss.
What could you do that could give you peace and meaning?
Sharon Valentino, LMFT, Psychotherapist, Behavioral Health,
CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC IV, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
www.valentinotherapy.com
Ways for Those in Addiction Recovery to Facilitate a Healthier Lifestyle
How to Incorporate an Exercise Plan During This Time
Photo courtesy of Unsplash
Addiction can claim your life in more ways than one. It robs you of your independence, your family, friends, and even your personality. Whether drug or alcohol-related, addictions can be significantly improved with exercise for a speedier recovery. Here, we will take a look at some of the common causes of addiction, and how exercise can help one kick their habit once and for all.
How Exercise Affects the Brain
Exercise is a movement which enables someone to work his or her body at a higher intensity than usual, resulting in a faster heart rate, quicker breathing, and sweating. All of these components also help to rid the body of toxins, burn fat, strengthen your bones and muscles, and improve your mental health, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Some even regard exercise as a meditative form that encourages mindfulness, which is an ideology that is popular in yoga, a spiritual discipline that fosters breathing, control, specific body postures, and relaxation. Meditation and yoga go hand in hand in that they both reduce stress, motivate a healthy lifestyle, and increase acceptance of oneself and the world in which we live. Yoga also helps physiological and mental disorders, and when followed through with more intense exercise, can increase the feel-good hormones dopamine and serotonin, both proven to aid against depression.
The Impact of Movement on Addiction
Complex disorders such as drug abuse can have a very negative impact on the body, leading to other conditions and sometimes even death. Due to the intricacy of addiction, treatments are often just as complex. However, exercise nourishes the heart and mind and encourages healthy brain cell growth. Along with a proper diet and nutrition, one can stay sharp, focused and clear-headed as a means to enjoy the good things in life.
Exercise also influences the brain’s plasticity, or its ability to change form. Per the saying, where the mind goes, the man follows, and you can change the chemistry of your brain to kick a bad habit. Relabeling, reattributing, refocusing, revaluing, or avoiding negative thought patterns as they arise will eventually lead to a shift in behavior or habits.
Exercise also leads to better sleep, increased energy, and improved mood. Since stress has the potential to bring about relapses, training is an optimal method for curbing anxiety and encouraging more happiness.
Ways to Enjoy Exercise
You don’t have to be an athlete to enjoy the benefits of exercise. As few as 75 minutes per week is all it takes to get the recommended amount of healthy activity. You can pick your favorite form, whether it’s biking, hiking, walking, swimming, or running, and switch up your routine to keep yourself from getting bored.
Exercise also keeps one focused on your goal and motivated to change. You’ll get to know what it truly means to feel healthier, which can motivate you to incorporate SMART techniques to better track your fitness. The more you work out, the stronger you’ll become. As your stamina increases, so will your mind. Exercising will increase your will and ability to tell yourself that you can overcome obstacles, and encourage new relationships with other individuals. As you notice an improvement in your overall appearance, you’ll be inspired to stay the course.
For some, exercise is more than a tool to gain muscle tone, as it can help improve your psychological and emotional state. As a recovering addict, incorporate these tips to help you achieve a better outlook and reach a permanently sober life.
This post courtesy of Adam Cook, addictionhub.org
Visit Valentino Therapy at: Facebook, http://www.valentinotherapy.com — Sharon Valentino, LMFT, Psychotherapist, Behavioral Health, RAS, CATC IV, CA Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746), Registered Addiction Therapist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, call for help with Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Trauma Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Mind Over Matters: Improving Your Wellness
Many of us want the same thing for 2018: Improved wellness, and a more grounded sense of self. Regardless of whether it’s your top resolution, an improved sense of happiness is unlikely to be rejected if offered. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to achieve happiness in a fast-paced, technology-driven society. Finding time to focus inward and avoid external distractions can seem impossible on most days, but the rewards are worth the effort.
Attitude of Gratitude
Having or developing an attitude of gratitude is not a new concept, but it’s one everyone can benefit from. By cultivating a generally positive outlook you can:
- Become more content with your circumstances.
- Improve both physical and mental health.
- Get better sleep.
- Reduce stress and anxiety that can lead to depression.
- Help boost your immune system, and prevent illness.
- Relieve chronic pain.
Environmental Changes
In spite of the old saying, attitude really isn’t everything. Environment can impact both your physical and mental well-being, and inhibit your ability to cultivate gratitude. It’s impossible to control all spaces and sources of stress that you might come into contact with each day, so it’s important to make sure you create a space to counter those things that are negative. Set aside a room in your home without electronic distractions for your creative pursuits. Buy a comfortable chair, some paintings of nature and other relaxing decor to inspire less stress.
Sustainable Positivity
While showing gratitude and developing a space to grow it can help improve emotional and spiritual wellness, other lifestyle factors also play an important role. Food choices can have an incredible impact on mood and emotional health. And, just like diet, getting proper exercise helps balance emotional responses to stressors and enhances your overall sense of well-being. If you’re not already physically active, look for an activity that you find enjoyable to help you stick with it. Exercise is cumulative, so you don’t have to fit it all into one intense session to reap the benefits. To sustain a general sense of happiness and well-being, it’s important to eat a nutritious, balanced diet and get the right amount of exercise.
It can be challenging to maintain a healthy lifestyle while meeting all the other demands of a busy life. However, doing so can help you rise to the occasion, and lead to a more positive and productive life regardless of the pace. By making small environmental changes to help you find gratitude, and cultivating it into a sustainable positive attitude, you can increase your happiness with the life you have, and improve your overall wellness.
Guest Writer: Dana Brown, @ HealthConditions.info
Grief and Loss 
There are many ways to deal with a loss.
Its likely that more than one method may be useful to get through it.
Therapy can certainly help people avoid Complicated or Prolonged Grief and can certainly help with Grief and Loss.
Nearly all helping tools and methods have to do with honoring what you had and not what you lost – being glad you had the person, not that you lost them. Part of our self-identity comes from the relationships we have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent”. Maybe you are no longer the close friend, son or daughter, etc. – sometimes even an employee, if you’ve lost a needed job. The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. A death or great loss sometimes requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died or you may now find a painful void in yourself that the lost one had filled. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by or with the person who died. And you grow as a person when learning to fill your own void. Many people discover that as they must adjust, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a more caring, responsible or kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living and thriving even though you continue to feel a strong sense of loss.
Stages of Grief and Loss
A good starting place is read the Stages of Grief and Loss, readily available on the internet, to determine where you are on that list so that some of your feelings can perhaps feel normalized and the next Stages expected, making them more manageable.
Making Meaning
- Making meaning will be as varied as personalities are.
- A positive approach is needed to leave your personal feelings of loss or regret and focus and what that person gave you.
- How are you different from having known them?
- Did they make you feel safe and accepted?
- Maybe they gave you or enhanced your sense of humor?
- Perhaps they introduced religion or spirituality or Buddhism or meditation or Forest Bathing or other ways of learning to self soothe.
- Were they a success in some way that inspired you?
- What was special about them that you’d like to emulate?
Actions
- Some people find comfort with planting a tree or bush in the memory of the person who has left.
- Others prefer to donate to a group that would resonate with him/her.
- Some write letters to help them come to acceptance, and burying them when putting a special plant in the ground.
- A letter that is burned so that the smoke goes up to the heavens is not uncommon.
- I know a person who went to Iceland to see the Northern Lights feeling her loved one was there.
- Some Latin countries celebrate The Day of the Dead once a year to honor those dear to them that have passed.
- The Chinese also celebrate once a year in April. On this holiday China’s cemeteries are more densely populated with the living than the dead. Millions of people of Chinese descent visit the graves of their ancestors to burn paper money or other paper made into cars, houses, boats, hearts, etc. and believe that if you burn paper money and other offerings at the graves of your ancestors, they will receive them in the afterlife and, thinking kindly of you, put them to use. The graves are cleaned before candles and incense are lit. Often, messages to the deceased are also spoken out loud. This holiday of remembrance has become a bit commercialized, as has our Christmas, but it is about joy and love – not loss.
What could you do that could give you peace and meaning?
By Sharon Valentino MFT, Psychotherapist, Behavioral Health
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Valentino Therapy
CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC IV,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area
http://www.valentinotherapy.com
New Year, New You: Putting Your Addiction Behind You
You may have been derailed, but now you’re in the process of getting your life back on track. It’s time to break out of your comfort zone and live the life you’ve always dreamed of. Here are a few ideas to make those dreams a reality while continuing to enjoy recovery and sobriety.
Take a trip. Recovery is the perfect time to enjoy life. Not only will you meet new people and see new things, you’ll gain a fresh perspective on the world. When you’re in the middle of your addiction, you lose sight of everything except your next fix. Traveling gives you something exciting to prepare for and will help you discover things about yourself you’ve never known. Recovering addict Carl Towns explains in this inspiring post how travel has helped him remain sober.
Get a dog. The reasons to get a dog in your recovery are almost endless, but for now, we’ll stick to the basics. Having a dog will give you a new sense of responsibility, something which you may have robbed yourself of when using. Dogs also provide unconditional love, another aspect of your life that you may have missed. Having a four-legged friend around encourages physical activity and can even be a great way to meet new people—people who will become positive influences on your life. Another notable benefit of having pets is that being with these creatures alleviates stress and anxiety and can stave off depression. Even if you’re unable to have your own dog, you can consider dog walking and even make a little money while enjoying some canine companionship.
Start your own business. Starting your own business gives you something to look forward to each day. It puts you in control of your own financial fate and holds you accountable for how you choose to spend your time and money. You might, for example, start with a pet-sitting or dog-walking service. As you struggle with regaining trust from others and yourself, this is a great way to lead into your new role as an active member of society. Additionally, starting your own business gives you an opportunity to pursue your passions, become a mentor, and create stability for yourself and your family, according to Entrepreneur.
Expand your social network. When you were using, you may have kept company that encouraged, or at the very least didn’t discourage, your bad behavior. Now that you’ve regained clarity, it’s time to expand your social network to include people who will build you up instead of bring you down. As a former user, you may find it easier to connect with new friends who don’t have any preconceived notions about you based on past actions. Networking isn’t only good for your personal life. Expanding your social circle is a great way to positively influence your business.
Face your fears. Often, we use drugs and alcohol as a way to hide from the things that scare us the most. Now that you’ve climbed out of that hole, it’s time to face your fears head on and with a clear mind and strong body. No matter what you’re afraid of, take it one step at a time. If you’re afraid of being alone, for example, spend the night away from home. Once you learn to control your reaction to fear triggers, they will no longer control you.
Living with addiction feels like being trapped in a bubble. Now that yours has been popped, don’t force yourself into another invisible prison by being too scared or ashamed to accomplish your goals. You’ve already done the hardest part by stepping above your vices. The key is to stay in motion and never lose sight of your end goals, no matter what they may be. Your life from today forward is a blank canvas; only you can paint it.
This post was guest written by Adam Cook of addictionhub.org
Image via Pixabay
Contact : http://www.valentinotherapy.com for help
Why Is Daily Self-Care So Important?
We must practice self-care daily to be happy, healthy and even alive. We really have no choice.
Today many say they don’t have time to eat something healthy, they are too busy – even overwhelmed with all that must be done, have no time to meet up with friends, no time for exercise and are too stressed to meditate.
Health care professionals, teachers and first responders need a very strong self-care daily habit or overload burnout and compassion fatigue can be expected much sooner than later. Our society has become stressful, making the same self-care critical for everyone.
Parents have an obligation to teach their children self-care and to make it a natural and necessary, fun part of every day.
It is not sustainable to try to meet the needs of family, employers, children, let alone friends, before handling our own needs. Airlines tell us to use the air mask on ourselves first or we won’t be able to help anyone else.
Self-care is never selfish. It is survival. Nor is self-care a long list of tasks you must do every day.
Benefits of Self-Care:
- Self-care counteracts daily stress so you can function well, or even optimally.
- Practicing self-care, you automatically refocus on what is important for you and those you love.
- It greatly reduces anxiety and improves sleep.
- Mental and physical health is improved.
- Resiliency to overcome stress is greatly improved.
- Burn out can be avoided or delayed.
- It is an excellent depression fighter, especially combined with exercise.
- Self-care allows each of us to be a better, calmer parent, especially if a child is challenging.
- It allows us all to be a better partner and to set an example for good health and good mood.
- Interestingly, it tends to foster self-compassion.
- Eating healthy foods and drinking pure, fresh water without exception.
What Does Self Care Look Like?
- Meditating for even 5 minutes, or much longer.
- Journaling.
- Exercise that is enjoyable. This can be even 15 minutes in the morning and again in the evening.
- Getting up at least every hour and stretching or doing exercises such as quick wall push-ups.
- Perhaps weekly therapy.
- Having food in the house and at work that promotes health and energy.
- Maintenance: haircut, perhaps a massage or body work or an overdue dental or doctor visit.
- Setting firm boundaries with those who negatively affect you or are not supportive.
- Saying no – so that you have time for yourself. Then you can enjoy others more.
- Attending to your own specific mental, physical and spiritual needs.
- Prioritizing good sleep and rigorously practicing “sleep hygiene”.
- Yoga is very helpful for many.
- Taking only 15 minutes every evening to straighten the house, especially the bedroom.
- Stretching your brain with new learning is shown by research to fight dementia and many problems.
- Nature bathing, a Japanese institution, is calming and healing – more so if you can be barefooted.
- Weight bearing exercise for healthy bones (hand weights, heavy weights or your own body weight.)
- Exercises or stretching that improves posture = immediate increase in feel good oxygen.
- Getting 10-20 minutes of natural sun daily improves mood, fighting depression.
- Narrow your food choices to make healthier choices and easier shopping.
- Post what you are grateful for every day somewhere you see it. Your calendar?
- Delegate tasks whenever you can.
- Take steps to improve/condition hair; during exercise is ideal.
- Get rid of clutter to improve sleep and fight anxiety and depression.
- Mindfully complete your tasks, exercise, eating, etc. Paying attention feels good.
- Limit social media and upsetting news.
- Try new ways of moving, exercising, activities or sports.
- Keep your car and home orderly and clean. It makes a huge mental difference.
- Treat yourself.
- Listen to music that is uplifting and not upsetting.
- Make new friends and cultivate acquaintances to see if they should be pals.
- Care for your body: shave, body lotions, sex, skin care.
- Walk and pet your dog, horse or cat (cat may decline to walk).
- Make a point to smile at someone who is alone, hold a door or say Good Morning.
- Compliment a child.
- Cut way back on sugar.
- Be kind to and complement yourself.
- Read, dance, laugh, enjoy – and only pick 3 or 4 items from this list.
You will feel much better after only a few days or less than a week.
By Sharon Valentino, LMFT – Visit http://www.valentinotherapy.com for information and help.
How to Overcome Depression
- “I’vе hаd enough, I саn’t tаkе it аnуmоrе!”
- “I аm hореlеѕѕ, I givе uр!”
- “I саn’t соре аnуmоrе!”
- “I can’t ѕtаnd my lifе anymore!”
If thеѕе fееlingѕ and thoughts of еmрtinеѕѕ, dеѕраir аnd wоrthlеѕѕnеѕѕ are intеnѕе, рrоlоngеd аnd overwhelming and уоu find it difficult оr even imроѕѕiblе to funсtiоn normally аnd enjoy life likе уоu оnсе did; and уоu wаlk аrоund ѕаd аnd tirеd for mоѕt оf thе dаy, thеn уоu may be “dерrеѕѕеd”. Yоu might be suffering frоm a dерrеѕѕivе diѕоrdеr or сliniсаl depression.
Hоw саn уоu fight and overcome уоur dерrеѕѕiоn?
Undеrѕtаnding Dерrеѕѕiоn
Thе firѕt step in еffесtivеlу оvеrсоming dерrеѕѕiоn iѕ to acknowledge there’s a problem and work to understand it. What is it, hоw dоеѕ it аffесt you, whаt causes it? Depression iѕ аn illnеѕѕ! It iѕ thе mоѕt соmmоn оf all mеntаl hеаlth рrоblеmѕ. Researchers еѕtimаtе thаt 17 milliоn Americans, оr еvеn muсh more, suffer frоm dерrеѕѕiоn at ѕоmе point in their livеѕ.
Actual depression is not juѕt a раѕѕing bluе mооd, оr thе nоrmаl pain аnd ѕаdnеѕѕ that fоllоwѕ loss of a lоvеd one, оr the “downside” in life’s ordinary uрѕ and dоwnѕ. The fееlingѕ оf еmрtinеѕѕ, helplessness, worthlessness, hореlеѕѕnеѕѕ and despair аrе intense, and реrvаѕivе tо such аn еxtеnt thаt thеѕе аffесtѕ уоur thе day-to-day lifе, affecting уоur аbilitу tо wоrk, study, еаt, аnd ѕlеер – to enjoy your life and to live it as you want.
Common ѕignѕ and ѕуmрtоmѕ оf dерrеѕѕiоn саn inсludе:
- Diminiѕhеd оr lоѕѕ оf interest in almost аll dаilу асtivitiеѕ. Friеndѕ, hоbbiеѕ, sports ѕосiаl activities аnd ѕеx dоn’t intеrеѕt уоu likе they uѕеd tо. You hаvе bесоmе numb to рlеаѕurе, joy аnd happiness.
- Slеер problems. Yоu either саnnоt sleep (inѕоmniа), оr you wаkе up in thе еаrlу hоurѕ оf the mоrning, оr уоu oversleep аnd ѕtrugglе tо get out оf bed.
- Concentration problems. Yоu find it diffiсult tо concentrate, fосuѕ and mаkе decisions.
- Lоѕѕ of or Decreased Enеrgу. Yоu are so fаtiguеd, ѕluggiѕh аnd fееl likе a zоmbiе аll the timе. Yоu drаg уоurѕеlf to work. Simрlе tasks bесоmе difficult and lоngеr tо ассоmрliѕh.
- Eаting Diѕоrdеr. Either уоu have lоѕt your арреtitе tо еаt оr perhaps you саnnоt stop еаting.
- Irritаbilitу. Yоu hаvе become easily iritаted аnd ѕhоrt-tеmреrеd.
- Increased раinѕ and aches. Yоu complain of headaches, bасk раin, muѕсlе раin or stomach асhе.
- Thoughts thаt lifе iѕ nо longer wоrth living. Yоu hаvе lоѕt nearly аll еnthuѕiаѕm and zest fоr lifе.
Tуреѕ оf Depression
There are various types оf dерrеѕѕiоn. The mоѕt common ones are Mаjоr Dерrеѕѕive Disorder and Dysthymia, but they are not the only ones. Knоwing thе type оf depression you hаvе саn help уоu effectively deal with it and discuss your symptoms with your doctor and therapist more effectively.
- Major Depressive Diѕоrdеr. This form оf depression intеrfеrеѕ with thе реrѕоn’ѕ ability to funсtiоn nоrmаllу – tо wоrk, ѕtudу, ѕlеер, еаt аnd enjoy pleasurable activities. It can be disabling! Thе symptoms аrе persistent аnd can rаngе from mоdеrаtе tо ѕеvеrе аnd if nоt trеаtеd can lаѕt for ѕеvеrаl month or more. It mау оссur оnlу once in a person’s lifetime but more оftеn, it iѕ recurring аnd each occurrence tеndѕ tо last lоngеr, аnd can be mоrе dеbilitаting than the оnе bеfоrе.
- Dуѕthуmiа. This tуре оf dерrеѕѕiоn is less ѕеvеrе. The chronic ѕуmрtоmѕ оf dysthymia аrе nоt аѕ ѕtrоng аѕ thе ѕуmрtоmѕ of major dерrеѕѕiоn but соuld lаѕt lоngеr (two уеаrѕ оr mоrе). It dоеѕ nоt seriously disable thе реrѕоn but соuld prevent him/her frоm funсtiоning wеll or from feeling gооd.
- Some other tуреѕ оf depressive diѕоrdеrѕ are Biроlаr Diѕоrdеr оr Mаniс Dерrеѕѕivе Disorder and Sеаѕоnаl Affective Disorder (SAD).
- Biроlаr оr Manic Depression iѕ сhаrасtеrizеd by serious ѕwings of moods – frоm one еmоtiоnаl pole (ѕеvеrе high оr mаniа) to the орроѕitе pole (severe lоw оr dерrеѕѕiоn). Whеn in thе mаniс mооd, оnе mау bе hуреrасtivе, оvеrlу tаlkаtivе, feel аbnоrmаllу еlаtеd and full оf grаndiоѕе notions, hаvе inсrеаѕеd ѕеxuаl dеѕirе, inаррrорriаtе ѕосiаl behavior аnd рооr judgemеnt. The depressive cycles are very low, disturbing and generally much longer than the “up” cycles.
- Seasonal Affесtivе Diѕоrdеr (SAD) uѕuаllу occurs during fаll or wintеr, when nаturаl ѕunlight is limitеd. The ѕurrоundingѕ look grау аnd gloomy mоѕt of thе timе аnd ѕоmе people gеt dерrеѕѕеd.
Some Cаuѕеѕ of Depression аnd Riѕk Fасtоrѕ
Whу аrе уоu fееling dерrеѕѕеd?
There is no ѕinglе cause оf dерrеѕѕiоn but rаthеr, a combination оf many fасtоrѕ – gеnеtiс, biосhеmiсаl, еnvirоnmеntаl and рѕусhоlоgiсаl.
Dерrеѕѕiоn mау run in fаmiliеѕ – mеаning it can bе hеrеditаrу. Some people may inherit gеnеѕ that mаkе thеm susceptible tо dерrеѕѕiоn. Thе gеnеѕ dо nоt саuѕе thе dерrеѕѕiоn but increase thе riѕk when сеrtаin psychological аnd social factors соmе intо рlау аt the same time. Thе genetic tеndеnсу tо depression саn bе triggеrеd bу ѕоmе ѕtrеѕѕful life еxреriеnсе.
Studiеѕ indiсаtе that depression mау bе саuѕеd bу a chemical imbаlаnсеs in thе brаin. Thе humаn brаin operates оn fluids called nеurоtrаnѕmittеrѕ, ѕоmе givе energy (adrenalin) аnd some соntrоl body mоvеmеntѕ. A key nеurоtrаnѕmittеr аѕѕосiаtеd with depression is Serotonin whiсh rеgulаtеѕ mood, ѕlеер, appetite, аlеrtnеѕѕ аmоng other things. Whеn a person iѕ оvеrlу ѕtrеѕѕеd for a period оf timе, thе brаin uѕеѕ Serotonin faster thаn it can be сrеаtеd and when thе lеvеl of Sеrоtоnin drорѕ, уоu generally bесоmе depressed. Othеr ѕtudiеѕ indiсаtе thаt dерrеѕѕiоn can also be caused bу еlеvаtеd ѕtrеѕѕ hоrmоnе саllеd Cortisol, аnd by several other biological соntributоrѕ.
Thеѕе genetic аnd biоlоgiсаl causes dо рlау certain rоlеѕ in dерrеѕѕiоn but ѕосiаl and psychological fасtоrѕ hаvе еnоrmоuѕ impact also. Thе causes аnd risk factors fоr dерrеѕѕiоn mау include:
- Strеѕѕful lifе еxреriеnсеѕ likе ѕuddеn ѕеvеrе lоѕѕ (оf a lоvеd оnе, jоb, friendship).
- Lоnеlinеѕѕ
- Marital оr relationship рrоblеmѕ
- Finаnсiаl рrоblеmѕ
- Job stress which is ongoing
- Hеаlth problems оr сhrоniс pain
- Childhооd trauma оr аbuѕе
- Alcohol or drug abuse (inсluding рrеѕсriрtiоn mеdiсаtiоnѕ)
- Intеnѕе physical оr mеntаl trаumа
- Fаiling аt ѕоmе important tаѕk
Knowing аnd undеrѕtаnding the underlying саuѕе (оr саuѕеѕ) оf уоur dерrеѕѕiоn can hеlр in оvеrсоming thе diѕоrdеr. If your depression is саuѕеd bу lоnеlinеѕѕ, you саn work to socialize mоrе even though you may not feel like it – try to gо оut with friеndѕ and increase your social support system. If it is your jоb thаt is dерrеѕѕing уоu, perhaps сhаngе tо a mоrе satisfying business or even саrееr. Yоu can often decrease or remedy your dерrеѕѕiоn bу changing уоur ѕituаtiоn!
Treating аnd Ovеrсоming Depression
Thеrе аrе many trеаtmеntѕ fоr dерrеѕѕiоn, inсluding thеrару, mеdiсаtiоn аnd оthеr аltеrnаtivе trеаtmеntѕ.
- First аnd fоrеmоѕt iѕ tо rесоgnizе, асknоwlеdgе аnd ассерt уоur dерrеѕѕivе diѕоrdеr аnd get help.
- Dо nоt try to еѕсаре уоur dерrеѕѕiоn bу turning to аlсоhоl оr drugs, or yоur depression may wоrѕеn significantly.
- Thе ѕtаndаrd рrеѕсribеd аntidерrеѕѕаntѕ are not always immediately helpful. Some рrеѕсriрtiоn drugѕ hаvе riѕkѕ аnd side еffесtѕ that might cause you to want to stop using them or not go back to your physician to try other methods. So be aware, write down any symptoms and be ready to be proactive with your doctor.
- A proven, helpful step tо tаkе in effectively trеаting аnd overcoming уоur dерrеѕѕiоn is the оnе thаt аddrеѕѕеѕ thе undеrlуing environmental and рѕусhоlоgiсаl factors thаt affect your depression. Your whоlе person generally must bе hеаlеd. Thеѕе can include:
- Develop a deep and wide support ѕуѕtеm. Ask fоr help frоm your fаmilу аnd friеndѕ. Lеt thеm knоw уоur рrоblеm and how thеу саn hеlр уоu. Get a good therapist immediately with specialization in depressive disorders. Jоin аnd раrtiсiраtе in ѕuрроrt grоuрѕ. Dо nоt isolate yourself!
- Gо out, even though you may not feel like it. Hiding out at home is highly unlikely to help. Tаlk tо роѕitivе, cheerful people whо can mаkе уоu lаugh (аvоid negative реорlе). Viѕit оld friеndѕ and rеminiѕсе happier timеѕ or make new ones.
- Exеrсiѕе regularly and get аdеquаtе sleep.
- Eat a wеll bаlаnсеd diеt аnd take vitаminѕ rеgulаrlу.
- Chаngе your ѕurrоundingѕ (redecorate your rооm, office or wardrobe, make it more соlоrful or serene).
- Lеаrn rеlаxаtiоn and mеditаtiоn techniques. Take a break frоm your dаilу rоutinе which соuld be becoming mоnоtоnоuѕ аnd dерrеѕѕing.
The important message is to get help ASAP. You don’t have to feel so bad.
Sharon Valentino, Psychotherapist, Behavioral Health
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Valentino Therapy
CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC IV,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area
Psychotherapist, Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, Masters Counseling Psychology,
Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Pain, Family & Couples Issues, Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens. Tech execs & engineers.
PRIVATE ONLINE EMAIL AND PHONE THERAPY AVAILABLE FOR CALIF. ONLY
p: 415.215.5363
a: 3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA 94965
w: http://www.valentinotherapy.com e: [email protected]valentinotherapy.com
Resolutions? Some radical thoughts perhaps…
What’s so bad about New Year’s Resolutions, or making new ones at any time of the year, when they can fill us with hope and determination? Well…perhaps living in the future, instead of the present.
OK, what’s so bad about Resolutions, really? Like much of life…nothing much. Almost anything viewed as a positive can also have a negative side.
I often write that if you have no goals, how can you achieve them? And yet something clinicians see a lot of problems with is clients either living in the past or living in the future instead of practicing mindfulness and living in the present.
Our brains work in ways that encourage goal making, because making goals and attaining them sets us apart from most other creatures. Goals do help in some ways not to waste valuable time and energy running about without an aim in mind. Neuroscience indicates that we need “pursuit” to activate certain pleasure centers. Goals can define us by what we want – and then to achieve them gives pleasure, but so does the pursuit itself.
Goals and resolutions are not the same thing, however. All resolutions are living in the future to some extent when we resolve at various times to change our body, lose weight, make more money, read or relax more, save more money, be a better parent or friend, and much more.
What if you ask yourself every single morning, “What do I want my life to look like today?” “What could I reasonably make happen today?” “What is the one thing that I can do that will give me the greatest joy or satisfaction today?”
If you do this regularly, almost everything in your life will begin to change for the better. If the details and requirements of achieving your goals take up too much of your thought, time and energy, they may be keeping you from enjoying what is happening right now that you should be taking pleasure in.
Some resolutions this time of year may actually include leaving a relationship. Many of my friends and clients say their lives would be better “if he would…” or “if she would stop…” and they continue waiting for something to change. It may not. They could stop waiting for a future that may never turn out as they envision it and they could start living their own lives just one day at a time in ways that are meaningful and full of joy. I’ve seen some partners actually turn around unwanted behaviors when my clients took this new approach of deciding, “What do I want to enjoy just for today and what can I reasonably make happen?” This means that you are not trying to control or change anyone or make anyone join you.
Try living by pleasing yourself and helping others just for today. You lose yourself when you live too much for goals and too much for others or also too much of your life waiting for others to change and give you what you think you want…always in the future.
I think the best goal or resolution is to eat more of what is healthy and eliminate all foods, activities and people who are harmful. Write down your own goals and review them daily and see magical opportunities arise. Have visual reminders such as a toy replica car on your desk, a small palm if Hawaii is your dream, a photo of you at a smaller size, or whatever, that you see daily.
If you set goals, not resolutions, that are positive, not negative, (I won’t ever eat sugar. I’ll not go one day without exercising.) you are wise. Goals need to be positive, worthwhile, attainable, incrementally measurable, reasonable, very specific, broken down into timely parts, and easy to adjust if need be.
If you are having challenges with working on your goals daily, why not consider monthly or weekly ones instead? Life is short. Go live it. Only make resolutions if you can be kind to yourself and be flexible.
Please consider following this blog, follow me on Facebook or check my web which is FILLED with a great deal of information that may help you and those you care about.
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Sharon Valentino – Behavioral Health
Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT, Psychotherapist
Web: http://www.valentinotherapy.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/valentinotherapy
Does Fake It Till You Make It Work?
Sometimes clients say to me they have no intention of acting fake when encouraged to behave neutrally around someone they dislike, or they won’t try smiling and see if it uplifts their mood.
Acting “as if” is a common prescription in psychotherapy. It is based on the idea that if you behave like the person you want to become, you’ll become closer to that in reality. In fact, most of us fake it frequently without even realizing it. When you do so consciously, it can be very powerful, especially with the intention of improving your outlook or ways of dealing with people.
-If you want to feel happier, do what happy people do – smile and look directly at people.
-If you want to get more work done, act as if you are a productive person – make a list and get started, or at least do the 2 most important items on the list.
-If you want to have more friends, behave like a friendly person and suggest an activity.
-If you want to improve your relationship, practice being a better partner.
Yet, too often we hesitate to spring into action.
Instead, we don’t think it will work, or call it fake, or a host of other reasons and excuses. Considerable research shows that changing your behavior first can change the way you think and feel (2009, Stephanie L Stolz of Missouri Western University).
We clinicians find it particularly helpful in working with depressed clients. Will it cure depression? No, but it is one of many tools that definitely help – just like moving more and getting some natural sunlight helps depressed patients.
Faking it until you make it only works when you identify something in you that’s holding you back. Acting like the person you want to become is about changing the way you feel and the way you think in a positive way that you’ve identified as how you want to be or become.
Here’s what doesn’t work: If you want are to prove you are to be valued or loved to someone else, your “faking it till you make it” won’t turn out well. Research shows that this approach actually backfires. A study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that people who tried to prove their worth to others were more likely to dwell on their shortcomings.
Acting “as if” doesn’t mean being phony or inauthentic. If you change your behavior first, the feelings will follow as long as your effort is sincere. Faking it until you make it can help make your goals reality.
Just make sure you’re interested in changing yourself on the inside, not simply trying to change other people’s perceptions of you.
By Sharon Valentino
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Valentino Therapy CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC IV, Psychotherapist
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area
Psychotherapist, Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, Masters Counseling Psychology
Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Pain, Family & Couples Issues, Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens
Affordable online email & phone therapy available for CA residents only
a: 3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA 94965
w: http://www.valentinotherapy.com e: [email protected]valentinotherapy.com
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PARENTING TWEENS – A DELICATE AGE THAT NEEDS CARE AND ATTENTION
Pre-adolescence, the “tween” years (roughly 8 to 12) is a time of monumental shifts in your child’s physical, cognitive, emotional, and social development. It’s a scary time for kids & adults, when they need independence & start turning away. They rely on their friends more but still need you. They have many challenges & changes. Parents must significantly change the way they relate to their child, because it is not the same child as only a year or two ago.
Cognitive changes: Thinking processes completely change. Previously not caring too much, they are now very sensitive to what peers think. They need to fit in, practice comparisons and are very hurt when left out. Suddenly different viewpoints matter and tolerating opposing views must be mastered.
Physical changes: Girls now experience puberty much earlier, as do boys. These huge physical changes cause self-consciousness and self-esteem issues, as well as curiosity about sex.
Social Changes: Independence: Because they see themselves differently, tweens are progressively more and more identified with peers than family. Self-confidence asserts itself in good and bad ways. They may go out without telling anyone, increase eye-rolling, hide their phones and change passwords plus be more embarrassed by parents. Expect more self-confidence (in spurts) & attitude. Parents may be dropped from Facebook and other social media pages.
Social Hierarchy and Cliques: This is when bullying can become a big problem, as kids compare and target others. The tween may say s/he is fine but in fact will be angry, frustrated, grades may drop and the sense of safety and acceptance is gone. Even worse outcomes may occur. It is important to intervene with bullying immediately while modeling respectful, pro-active behaviors. Do not expect your tween to “get over it” or “work through it”.
Gender: Now the social media images of what a body “should” look like begins to cause problems. Girls’ self-esteem peaks at 9, decreasing sharply by 12 as they are sexualized and as images become the way they see and judge themselves. Boys receive equally damaging messages such as, a man mustn’t be vulnerable or show deep feelings such as sadness, jealously, love, compassion – as that is weak and “unmanly”.
Who Are You? Taking on different personas frequently as seen in dress, hair, attitudes, speech, humor changes. They need to fit in, but also explore who they want to be. This can be a very challenging time for parents.
Emotions: Expect intense swings of emotions & interpersonal relationships. Just when the tween’s brain becomes more sensitive to emotions in themselves and others, it has not developed enough to be able to regulate them. People and situations are met with extremes, such as the best friend ever is suddenly no good, as are sports, movies and food. And it may change back in 2 weeks.
Love, communication, patience and continually educating yourself as to what is really going on with your tween will help everyone. This is a time when therapy, either for your tween alone or with your tween and one or both parents can be very valuable.
By: Sharon Valentin0 
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| Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change. |
Valentino Therapy CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC IV, Psychotherapist,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746) |
| Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area |
Psychotherapist, Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, Masters Counseling Psychology,
Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Pain, Family & Couples Issues, Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens |
| PRIVATE ONLINE EMAIL AND PHONE THERAPY AVAILABLE FOR CALIF. ONLY |
| p: |
415.215.5363
|
| a: |
3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA 94965 |
| w: |
www.valentinotherapy.com e: [email protected] |
| w: |
www.ParentingWithHelp.com w: www.WeightLossHealthyFast.com |
| w: |
Valentino Therapy Blog |
800 Recovery Hub Blog
Over the last decade or so, I have occasionally heard people talk about “Celebrate Recovery” but I never gave it much thought or attention. I knew it had something to do with church. I knew that it was a way to get help for addiction type problems and I knew it was a little similar to AA. Recently, I have educated myself about Celebrate Recovery and I will share with you what I know. The information I present is “in my opinion”. I will start with some bullet points.
- John Baker, is the Founder and Pastor of Celebrate Recovery.
- It was started in 1990 (according to Wikipedia) or in 2001 according to John. (see side note)
- It is a Christ-centered program that started out of Saddleback Church.
- Over 10,500 individuals have gone through the program.
- Over 6,000 individuals have completed the program.
- It is used at over 10,000 churches nationwide.
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Problem Drinking – Can You Just Cut Back?
Some call this Moderation Management, Controlled Drinking and a host of other names.
I’ve had several clients in my Sausalito office that say they are drinking too much, drinking too often, some even say they are “mildly” addicted but also say they just want to cut back, not quit, but have been unable to do it on their own.
Can just cutting back work?
Yes, for a few. The concept itself is controversial to some. Many experts still say that just cutting back won’t work – that there must be total abstinence. AA certainly feels that way. Many people who drink too much are resistant to getting help, entering treatment and to complete abstinence but are willing, even eager, to try cutting back. Moderation is a goal, a test, that is worthy and workable for many and for many it is a start. In fact, Moderation could be a help where there is clearly a treatment gap, as often only people with severe alcohol addiction and consequences get treatment. However, Moderation certainly doesn’t work for everyone and there is no way to determine who can learn to control their drinking vs. those who must give it up completely. There isn’t enough data and only one research test on Moderation thus far, which isn’t nearly enough.
In my experience, some can stop for 45-60 days, clean out their systems and test themselves to see if they can stop at one drink every other night. Others will plan to start out with two drinks or less every other night, planning to get to one drink every other night and never make it. Some can’t get through even one week of cutting back of any kind.
Oddly, many of these same clients resist keeping track of exactly how much they were drinking each day. Others would track, but not the size (ounces) of their drinks.
Some refused to buy an inexpensive Breathalyzer to keep in their car and use it, even though admitting to regularly driving after drinking.
I say that if you can’t handle the above methods of cutting back, then it is unlikely that you can Moderate or manage your drinking.
Figure out why you are really drinking to excess.
This is critical and your therapist can certainly help. What are you medicating? What feeling are you trying to get rid of? It didn’t start off being a habit, obviously. Is it now a compulsion?
First, is your drinking really a problem?
You may be having a drinking problem if you have one or more of these….
Try to hide the amount you are drinking or feel the need to lie or down play it
Have friends or family who are concerned
Need to drink to relax or de-stress with alcohol instead of other, healthier methods
Regularly drink more than you intended to, or told yourself or others that you were going to
Feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed about your drinking
You have to drink every day, and cannot manage every other day or twice a week
Use more than one or two drinks daily
Regularly cannot stop at one drink
Occasionally black out or forget what you did while you were drinking and how much you drank
Drink and drive thinking nothing will happen
What does Moderation look like?
It looks like a lot of small changes, instituted immediately.
Your therapist can help you with these but cannot manufacture motivation.
It must come from within, but your clinician can help you to strengthen it. You must give Moderation an honest trial. If you haven’t made good progress in cutting down after 2 or 3 months, then you should seriously consider completely giving up drinking and seeking abstinence via professional help.
- Keep exact track of what you drink, when, how much and with whom by writing it down in your phone, your calendar or on paper. The real amount and size of your drinks generally mean success or failure.
- Make yourself a weekly goal and memorialize it. Exactly which day, or days, this week are you planning to drink. Look at your social calendar and decide accordingly. It is very important to have days you do not drink at all. People who do this are the most successful.
- Spread out your drinks. Stop chain drinking one alcoholic drink after another. Alcohol is very dehydrating. You need to drink a full glass of water between each alcoholic drink. Sparkling water with a twist of lemon or lime is not only refreshing but for those embarrassed not to be drinking with others, it looks like a number of potential alcoholic drinks. Having juice or juice mixed with sparkling water tends to lessen the taste for more alcohol. Learn to sip your drink slowly to actually savor and taste it.
- Act like an Italian. In Italy, it is considered rude to offer a drink to a guest without some bread based food or appetizer to go with it. The idea is that the food “absorbs” some of the alcohol. Research shows it does slow the absorption.
- What triggers you? It is critical to seriously examine this.
Do you think you require a few drinks to wind down from a stressful job? What else relaxes you? Perhaps exercise, meditation, a walk, hobbies or new, health conscious friends may help.
Showering & changing clothes immediately upon coming home helps many to feel the transition from work to home and refreshes them.
Change your routine if you have gotten in a habit of stopping at a bar, having a drink with a partner even before dinner, etc. If drinking at home is your habit, stop keeping alcohol at home. It doesn’t HAVE to be there.
6. Practice the habit of simply saying NO. There is no stigma to not drinking. As we become more health conscious, many people choose not to drink at all. Others don’t drink for diet or health reasons. In 2014 almost 30 million Americans were said to have diabetes and cannot drink. If you look around you at the people who are not drinking, instead of those who are, you may be very surprised.
7. Distract yourself. There are many activities that you just can’t drink and do, like sports, exercise, a yoga class, playing outside with your youngsters or your dog, knitting, etc.
It’s helpful to realize that your strong urge for most things, certainly alcohol, will peak and then dissipate if you allow it to. Many people are never taught as children to just feel their feelings and then let them dissipate. You must work hard to hold onto an urge or a thought. Just attempt it when you are trying to meditate – the thoughts will come but they won’t linger. More will come, but again, you can’t hold them.
8. Take a month off. Yes, a full month each year. It’s a common practice for many to skip all alcohol during the month of January. Why not try it?
Some people claim that they have so much social anxiety that they can’t function well in social or work gatherings, talk to strangers etc., or even manage their moods. If this is your “excuse” for drinking too much, too often, then seek a therapist or medical doctor who can help you more effectively.
What does it take to be serious about truly working Moderation requirements?
Alcohol use can cause serious health complications, affecting virtually every organ in your body, including your brain and certainly your appearance – your looks. Over drinking can also damage your heart, liver and emotional stability, your family, finances, your relationships, your reputation and career, and can lead to serious alcohol abuse and addiction. Usually one, or more, of these issues leads a drinker to Moderation or stopping drinking altogether.
What if Moderation doesn’t work?
My website: www.valentinotherapy.com has an Alcohol Self-Test from Johns Hopkins that is geared to whether you need treatment in a program.
People with severe problems, such as those who keep on drinking even after they lose jobs, damage relationships or get DUIs, need treatment to stop drinking completely.
Success works when you have people you can count on for support, because it’s so easy to fall back into old patterns. There are many groups and programs that may interest you. Therapy offers support and helps you discover and deal with what you are medicating with alcohol, whether it is stress, depression, childhood or family issues, etc. You can address these and be free of them and the over-use of alcohol. You deserve it.
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| Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change. |
Valentino Therapy CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC, Psychotherapist,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746) |
| Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area |
Psychotherapist, Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, Masters Counseling Psychology,
Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Pain, Family & Couples Issues, Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens, Aging |
| PRIVATE ONLINE EMAIL AND PHONE THERAPY AVAILABLE FOR CALIF. ONLY |
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415.215.5363
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3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA 94965 |
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www.valentinotherapy.com e: [email protected] |
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Valentino Therapy Blog |
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Lack of Sleep – Lack of sleep can kill you, make you fat, make you “stupid”, ruin your health and your looks, certainly sap your energy, destroy your sex life harm your social life, cause serious health problems, affect your personality and on and on. But you know this.
You read about the accidents caused by lack of sleep. You read about this and depression.
Sleep disorders and chronic sleep loss can put you at risk for:
-Diabetes
-Heart disease
-Depression
-Heart attack
-Heart failure
-Irregular heartbeat
-High blood pressure
-Obesity
-Stroke
You read about how people boast they can get by on less than 7-8 hours of good sleep, still when tested, their driving ability, thinking ability and ability to perform at almost all levels is severely diminished. Yet they brag. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that causes this foolish thinking.
Surprisingly, over half of my in-office Marin County and San Francisco clients report sleep is a problem.
I’m sure you’ve heard: If You Snooze You Lose!
Many studies have shown that lack of sleep relates to higher body mass, increase in hunger and higher levels of ghrelin. These studies show a range of 30-35% higher likelihood of obesity in people who sleep less than 6 hours per day. Less sleep decreases leptin (you aren’t hungry) and increases ghrelin (feed me right now, especially high-fat & high-carb foods).
I believe that sleep psychology is a critically important part of any weight loss program.
What is Insomnia?
Insomnia is when you can’t regularly get the amount of sleep you need to wake up feeling rested, healthy and refreshed. For most people that is 7 to 9 hours sleep, though needs vary. You may have trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep or the sleep may be fitful for a variety of reasons.
Symptoms of insomnia can include:
-Can’t readily get to sleep, even though you are tired
-Waking up too early in the morning
-Using sleeping pills or alcohol to sleep
-Feeling tired or not wanting to get up after sleeping
-Drowsiness, exhaustion, or irritability
-Difficulty concentrating and forgetfulness
-Trouble getting back to sleep when waking up in the night
-Not being about to stay asleep or sleep through the night
Causes of Insomnia:
Stress, anxiety, and depression cause about half of all insomnia cases, but grief and loss ups the percentages considerably. Life stress, worries, bipolar and borderline disorders, anger, grief, and trauma are major factors in sleep problems and should be assessed to see if you may be unaware of their presence or effects.
Often the problem is habits that you don’t notice and my feel reluctant to alter until realizing how troublesome they are. The choice is yours, but not acting can have dire consequences on your short-term and long-term health.
Lots of medical conditions and diseases often lead to insomnia, including asthma, allergies, Parkinson’s, hyperthyroidism, acid reflux, kidney disease, pain and cancer.
You may not be aware that many prescription drugs can interfere with sleep, such as antidepressants, stimulants for ADHD, corticosteroids, thyroid hormone, high blood pressure medications, and some contraceptives. It is wise to make a list, go online to one of the many sources such as RxList and check, then discuss with your Dr.
Common over-the-counter culprits include cold and flu medications that contain alcohol, pain relievers that contain caffeine (Midol, Excedrin), diuretics, and slimming pills. (Information from webmd.com).
Insomnia, as noted above, is a sleep disorder but it can actually be caused by OTHER sleep disorders such as jet lag, night work, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, night terrors, particularly disturbing dreams and more, which is why a medical check-up with full disclosure on your part (always take notes you made in with you) is important.
What Can You Do?
Very often simple, fairly easy changes to your daily habits can put a stop to insomnia, please continue reading, below.
How Can You Fix Lack of Sleep?
You have a good chance of turning the problem around if you look at EVERYTHING that may be affecting you negatively.
Here are just a few:
-Make a sleep diary on paper, or in your device, and track exactly what is going on & when.
-Do you sleep with a pet? If you can’t get Fluffy out of your bed, then you’d better commit to once a day brushing – just before bed (and not in the bedroom area) is necessary.
-Are your sheets and bed linens washed in hot water/hot dryer once a week to be fresh, to kill dust mites, rid them of allergens, etc.?
-Go to bed and get up at roughly the same time – even on weekends. This is important for your biological clock and circadian rhythms. Biologically it is proven that we internally respond to changes in the seasons, sun and moon, which is why jet lag and Daylight Savings Time can be so challenging for most of us. To set your bio-clock it is very important to get up and go to bed at the same time each day in order to feel well and be healthy.
-Do you have black out curtains (they are inexpensive and can hang behind your existing curtains or can be hung atop blinds)?
-Regular exercise of 30 minutes or more most days of the week will nearly always make a big improvement in sleep quality, but the effect is cumulative, not instant. Just not late in the day…
-Getting natural Vitamin D is so important for physical and mental health. It’s free but many people around the world live in areas where they can’t get enough. A huge federally funded study, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine found that ¾ of US teens and adults are deficient in the so-called “Sunshine Vitamin”. This is very serious! Other studies blame this deficiency on leading to cancer, heart disease, diabetes, obesity and much more. A time-honored treatment for depression is getting outside for a walk daily. Many US children are seriously deficient due to being allowed to stay inside and play computer games.
-Avoid taking naps unless you are ill and limit them to not more than ½ hour and never after 3 PM. If you need more detail on this, there is an abundance on the web.
-If your bedroom is noisy, get an air purifier as they usually have a soft, soothing sound, and clean the air while distributing a soft breeze that moves the stale air around a bit.
-Do you watch TV, play video games, or use a computer, tablet or smart phone in bed?
Your bedroom should be for sex and sleep – really nothing else. Meditate, read, watch TV elsewhere so that when you go into your bedroom your psyche is primed to know it is time to sleep, or have sex and fall asleep.
-Do not fall asleep on the couch. As soon as you are sleepy, go to bed.
-Do you have caffeine or uppers (coffee, tea, nicotine, soda, drugs) after 4 pm?
-Some people benefit from ear plugs or a sleep mask. It’s a matter of preference.
-Lots of research shows that a cool bedroom is MUCH more conducive to sleep than a warmer one. Throw on an extra blanket or warmer pajamas. Try it. You will sleep better.
-Do you exercise or eat after 8 pm? Heavy, spicy meals cause sleep problems.
-Never, never get in an argument or read the news or social media just before bed. Quiet activities such as reading, soft music, meditation are all very helpful just before bed. I purposely read with a soft light before bed, as it is non-stimulating and causes a little eye fatigue, making me feel sleepy faster.
-Do you use alcohol to fall asleep? Do you use it to get back to sleep? If so, you are starting a vicious cycle and very possibly an addiction. Yes, alcohol will definitely help you go to sleep. It will also assure an unhealthy sleep and it will assure that when it cycles through your system causing blood sugar drops and other problems, it will then turn on you and wake you up. Then you need more alcohol to go back to sleep – and then addiction enters the arena. This is a particular problem for older people who are susceptible to sleep problems and dependence on alcohol in trying to fight insomnia. Its use can also add to dangerous falls, unsafe driving and other serious problems.
-Get off the screens one hour before sleep & cover the blue lights in your bedroom. You know what I’m talking about. Your TV, phone, alarm, computer, tablets, etc. all have blue or light that severely disrupts sleep, blocks your body’s production of melatonin and throws off your natural rhythms so important for health and sleep.
-If you can’t fall asleep, get up briefly, without turning on a lot of lights, and do something calming such as make a note of what is on your mind that needs to be done the next day, get a warm bath, have ½ cup of a warm non-caffeinated drink (more than 4 oz. is likely to make you wake up to visit the bathroom), meditate, etc. then get right back in bed as soon as you feel a little sleepy or are yawning.
-When you are struggling, just decide to enjoy relaxing and not making sleep the immediate goal. Without even getting out of bed you can do progressive muscle relaxation, prayer, meditation, visualize yourself on a beach calmly counting each wave until you drop off to sleep if you don’t like to get out of bed.
-Stop worrying and tell yourself that whatever is the issue you will address it in the morning. Write what is worrying you on a pad by the bed so you aren’t also worrying about forgetting it when you wake up.
-If you can’t self-regulate and improve your sleep, get help right away.
Your health and your thinking ability is too important not to take care of.
I will write subsequent articles will expand on these issues.Happy sleep tonight.
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
Self-esteem can make or break your life.
Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. —Lao Tzu
Lack of self-esteem can harm your happiness, relationships and joy in life.
Sad to say, most of my online e-mail therapy clients, or ones in my Sausalito office, have lacked good self-esteem. There have been very few exceptions. Mostly clients talk about issues and specifics that are on their minds and then, at some point, they admit they aren’t changing some unhappy situations because they lack self-esteem and/or self-confidence.
In fact, the feeling of helplessness, or lack of control, contributes very strongly to lack of self-esteem. Maybe it is hurting you?
Lack of self-esteem can damage virtually every part of your life, including even your health. Low SE can prep you for developing a mental disorder or addiction (to medicate those uncomfortable feelings) and that will lower your SE even further.
If you have low SE you are statistically more likely to view the world as unfriendly or hostile and see begin to see yourself as a victim, even a helpless victim, who cannot change their situation. As a result, sufferers tend to avoid setting boundaries, speaking up or expressing themselves effectively, they miss out on advancement, better relationships and end up feeling worse each year in many cases.
When you have increased your SE, you will be able to ACT. You will be much more able to do what is necessary to improve your life and perhaps the lives of those around you.
I’ve had a lot of clients ask how to increase self-esteem and I always say:
Commit estimable acts. Every day. In my opinion, that is the surest and fastest way to increase self-esteem.
There are other ways that build it too. Here are some.
1.Controlling your Thoughts and Feelings
One of the worst damagers of SE is negative thoughts that you haven’t learned to monitor and control. You may have even gotten in the habit of dwelling on them.
Buddhists teach that mindfulness is critical to life and happiness. So true.
The most anxious people I know are trying to do too many things at once, driving & talking on the phone or texting (oh yes, you are), in class planning the evening & on the phone, talking to someone & thinking of something else. I’ve even sat in Board meetings with members who had their phones on the table, unable to turn them off or fully listen to the invited speakers.
Mindfulness is paying attention to what you are feeling and thinking and whether you are breathing in a healthy enough manner for enough fresh oxygen to get to your brain for proper thinking and functioning.
Feelings cause Anxiety, which causes, or contributes, to low SE. Thoughts cause Feelings. Control your thoughts and you can control your Feelings and your Anxiety.
There is a simple action anyone can take (I’m willing to say that therapists use this several times a day) to turn this all around. I call it the STOP method. It’s fast, simple and free.
First you have to become aware of your thoughts and sometimes your beliefs, which is called being Mindful.
As soon as anything makes you uncomfortable, pay attention to your thoughts.
What just happened (the situation?
What are you Feeling?
Are you breathing? Not the shallow,” I can’t think” kind of breathing, but natural deep breaths.
What did you say to yourself just then, or what was your Thought about it?
If you are uncomfortable then, obviously, your Thought was negative, but was it true?Wouldn’t it be sad to torture yourself with untrue Thoughts and waste a good part of your life?
The first thing is to catch an uncomfortable feeling that caused an unhelpful Thought (meaning you have to be mindful and breathing deeply enough for your brain to get enough fresh oxygen to make great decisions), then vividly imagine a red, octagonal STOP sign and shout STOP!
If you are around others, I’d advise you to shout silently, but w/some emotion.
That should short circuit your problem thought for 2 to 5 seconds, so you need to immediately substitute it with an entirely different, positive thought, or even a problem such as, “Where did I leave the keys to ___?” “What do I really want to do this weekend?” “What do I have to do to get more peace/love/whatever in my life?” Give your brain something to actually work on and take a few deep breaths.
2. CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
CBT was originally developed for depression, then found to be excellent for anxiety and a host of other problems caused by unhelpful thoughts that often are not even true.
The written thought record is one of the primary tools in CBT, but it is only one facet.
I like to compare it to Socratic reasoning method used way back in the 5th century (Is it true?).
An overly simplified version of CBT asks: What is your Thought (belief) that was brought up by your uncomfortable Feeling? Why do you think/believe that and is it even true? Are you aware of the additional uncomfortable feelings you cause for yourself when you think this way?
CBT likes to use thought records with columns to quickly identify what you are doing that blocks or harms yourself and gives you a record to keep and refer to. There are many free ones online you can access to help you:
- see the connection between thoughts and emotions
- identify negative automatic thoughts (NATs) and untrue thoughts and beliefs
- show the evidence for and against a NAT – is it true, what can be done about it, what is the plan
In therapy, my clients often need to practice catching the immediate difficult Feeling and then the Thought that feeds even more bad Feelings, before they can confront their Thoughts or Beliefs and begin substituting unhelpful/untrue Thoughts with more accurate and realistic ones.
After that comes making the changes in actions in order to live peacefully and happily.
Here is a super simple idea of a Thought Record before going to the more formal columned recording of evidence-gathering and thought challenging, which stems from Socratic Reasoning (is it true, is it always true, then is it false, is it always false).
What is your core belief (negative thought)?
List three reasons why it is true (or why I want “it”):
1.
2.
3.
List three reasons why it might not be true (or why it would not be good for me):
1.
2.
3.
What could you do to improve or eliminate this situation?:
1.
2.
3.
Don’t confuse Feelings for facts. If you insist on all or nothing thinking, you will be unhappy for as long as you insist on this foolish course of action. You deserve better.
The way you are currently thinking about whatever is making you unhappy might not be the only possible way to view your situation — so test the accuracy of your thoughts. Anxiety responses can add to the feeling that there is nothing you can do, the situation can’t be improved and so on. This is one area where therapy is so valuable and why the clinician needs to challenge you. If you’ve been stuck in your thinking for quite a while your unhelpful thoughts may feel normal and yet be wildly inaccurate.
This, above, exercise might seem slightly awkward at first, but it is really fast and easy if you just try it and practice it a bit. As soon as you begin to see the Thoughts or beliefs that are harming you, you can STOP them and be free. This step alone will make you feel better. As your SE increases, your confidence, satisfaction with life and happiness should increase greatly.
And now for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy….
4. What do you do that makes you feel bad about yourself?
Examine whom you should avoid, who you need to stand up to and who you need to set boundaries with. Identify troubling conditions or situations and what isn’t working in your life. Actually make a list.
Pay close attention to your thoughts when you were making the list, then make a list of changes or solutions. Planning to do nothing invites depression.
Avoid all those people, places, events that make you feel awkward or bad about yourself. This might look like being more assertive, setting firm boundaries or practicing “Changing the Geography” when possible. Walk out, go around the block, go for a drive, go to the gym, go somewhere else – and say that is what you are doing when you are treated badly, if that is appropriate to your situation. If assertiveness is hard, then see a good therapist. This is your life – how much more of it are you going to spend unhappy?
5. Exercise regularly because you want to live and be happy and have some energy.
Do at least 30 minutes of something just for yourself, your body and your brain nearly every day (even if you are exercising while watching TV). Try to do something that makes you sweat at least three times a week to be really happy, healthy, and prolong your life and looks. Start small if you must, but there is no excuse. Refuse to put gas in your car or fix your tires and it won’t go – same with your body.
6. Do things for others.
I’m not referring to the people who make you feel bad about yourself. Every single day make a point to do something nice for a stranger, even if it is opening a door with a kind smile, contacting a sick or distant acquaintance, saying something nice to the person in line with you or the checkout person. This releases serotonin immediately for a boost in your mood. Try it and see for yourself. Getting involved in charity or a church charity is very good for mental health.
7. Manage your stress with meditation.
Meditate every single day if you want to be REALLY happy and content. Even taking five to ten minutes daily to be still and meditate can make a huge difference in your life. The more you choose to do, the greater the benefits. Some say they can’t meditate because they can’t make their mind be still. You don’t have to, in fact, you can’t hold onto a thought no matter how hard you try. You can say to your thoughts that interfere, as the Buddhists advise, “I see you. You can go.” and then let them. There is a wealth of free meditation apps and sites available on the web which can introduce you to many different styles of meditation until you find the one or two that you really like. Prayer works well also.
There is a saying: When you pray you talk to God. When you meditate s/he talks to you. Meditation is free, fast, simple. It is foolish not to utilize it daily.
8. Clean up and organize your home, office and car.
No, I’m very serious. A cluttered or dusty area contributes negatively to your physical and mental health. This one thing makes everything else easier because if your surroundings are clean and orderly, a level of peace is immediately felt and retained as long as you maintain it. Display only those items that remind you of what you have done/accomplished, where you have gone, when you were happiest. You can then devote your energy gained to something else. I advise going around your home and especially your bedroom for only 15 minutes each evening and putting everything away.
9. What truly makes you happy?
Do you even know anymore? Perhaps what used to make you happy has changed. Perhaps you have changed, but if you have low SE you probably are not doing enough of the things that you really enjoy (things that are just for you) to renew yourself for the challenges each day presents. You really need to do more of the things that you enjoy, whether those around you agree and choose to join in or not. It is very important to do at least one thing every day that you enjoy with no guilt. We all get so busy, that this can slip by. I have at the bottom of my journal every day – Fun:___ so I am sure not to forget what makes my life worth living and what I need.
10. Make a list of what you like about yourself.
Really. In writing. Reread it the first of every month and add to it. What have you accomplished in your life, and in the past month also? What are your strengths? If your SE has sunk really low, ask those closest to you for help. You deserve to live happily and feeling good about yourself. If you chose to have people or situations around you that have become untenable – you can change that or the interactions you have with them. Use this exercise to be kind and forgiving to yourself. None of us are perfect little robots who get through life without making major mistakes. So what? It is over. I had a professor years ago that, when an intern would run in, frantic with an emergency, who would slow her speech, look up confused and say, “Did anyone die? No? Well, then we have time to fix it, don’t we?”
10. Negative self-talk and criticizing yourself is like a cancer.
It is likely to grow and spread. STOP it. You know how. Reread #1, above.
11. Change your look.
It doesn’t need to be radical. Update your clothes, hair, improve your posture, book a massage or health treatments, get your check-up, see the dentist. Only wear clothes that make you feel good and confident. Donate the rest to help others. Be very, very kind to yourself and don’t start unhelpful thinking about what others might think about you taking better care of yourself. This is your one life. Unlikely you will get a do-over.
13. Talk.
Therapy helps. It can save lives. Talk to your friends, your priest, your family (if appropriate) because abuse (whether verbal, emotional or physical), unhappiness and self-esteem issues can only live and grow in the dark. Air them out to survive and thrive. Greatly increase your support system all throughout your life, as this is critical for longevity, happiness and good mental health. Join a support group if you find one that might suit you and try it out.
14. Sleep.
If you don’t have good sleep, it is unlikely that you are as mentally healthy as you should and could be. I’ve written so much about this. Please go to my website: www.valentinotherapy.com and click on Therapy Blog because this article cannot become book length.
15. Monitor your personal space.
Only be with people who make you feel good about yourself whenever possible. Protect yourself, your SE and your happiness.
16. Make a To-Do List.
Make it realistic of what things you really need and want to do and not lots of things that don’t have to be done or that can be delegated. Do them. Get them out of your life and out of your mind. Let yourself feel great that you’ve accomplished these one at a time. Don’t start one until you’ve finished the last one and create chaos. This frees up your time, your freedom and the mental space devoted to having these tasks on your mind.
17. Eat very healthy every day – only if you want to feel good.
This is critical for mental and physical health. Go for at least eight glasses of pure, fresh water a day so that your body and brain can heal overnight and work properly during the day. When you eat mindfully, calmly and slowly you can actually enjoy the food and get the maximum benefit from it.
18. Write.
Journaling is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. Surveys show most responding therapists report they journal every day. I do. When you write long hand you can make sense of your day or see where adjustments need to be made. It also gets the negative events and thoughts out of your head and onto the paper. You have something to refer to and check back on. Journaling works best when you take a few minutes and reread your entries at the end of each month. You might be amazed at what you see and the insight you gain.
19. Therapy
Therapy helps. Be kind to yourself and get support all throughout your life whenever you could use a bit of help, support or a neutral opinion.
Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
By Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy CA LMFT, MA, RAS, CATC, Psychotherapist,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746), Serving individuals & couples in the San Francisco Bay Area – Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor, Masters Counseling Psychology, Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Pain, Family & Couples Issues, Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens, Aging -PRIVATE ONLINE EMAIL AND PHONE THERAPY AVAILABLE FOR CALIF. ONLY, 3030 Bridgeway, Suite 108, Sausalito, CA 94965, www.valentinotherapy.com , e: [email protected]
Online Therapy
Counseling for your convenience and your budget. 
Online therapy is effective, convenient and affordable.
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Receive personal therapy via your phone, mobile device or computer by an experienced, caring therapist for $40 week.
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The first week is free, for us both to see if we are a good fit – OR – if you come to my office you can schedule a free in-office visit instead.
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Online therapy is convenient – on your time, no driving, no set appointment, no high-priced, impersonal conglomerate practices.
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You can address self-esteem, relationship or parenting concerns, anxiety, depression, addiction, employment plans, weight loss and caring for yourself, work related issues, grief and loss, aging, goals for your life and working to increase happiness and more.
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Get help to develop a weekly plan to achieve your goals.
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Most people recognize the many documented benefits of writing, which is a powerful form of therapeutic self-care where you can clarify your thoughts, concerns and feelings unhampered by the clock indicating your session is about to end.
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The art of writing, ideally including rereading and rewriting a bit before sending (on the part of the client and the therapist), increases objectivity in a natural way by externalizing and re-framing the feelings and issues. For this reason, e-mail, rather than text, is the most effective.
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This encourages deeper understanding of situations without being overtaken by them, as they can seem to encompass, or at least affect, your life in so many areas.
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Even before the therapist responds, you often see the situation a bit differently and start the process of helping to heal, or center, yourself.
Privacy and HIPPA: A portal is used provided by a third-party provider to meet privacy concerns for us both. There is no charge to you for this service.
While the advantages are clear, there are also disadvantages:
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Simply put, online therapy is not for everyone. It does not take the place of an office visit where face-to-face reactions, non-verbal messages and body language can be assessed in conjunction with dialogue.
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Clients must be able to express their thoughts and feelings clearly and in detail, and to interpret messages carefully, with a willingness to ‘give the benefit of the doubt’ when humor or the intended meanings miss the mark. Humor is often lost or misinterpreted via e-mail exchanges.
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Online therapy is not for emergencies, not for people having suicidal thoughts, domestic or other violence, serious-severe substance abuse or a variety of other difficult diagnoses and issues. There are many situations and problems that are not suitable for my e-practice, among them: schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, some types of depression, crisis interventions for substance abuse, those who cut or are suicidal, persons who like to rant not progress, people in crisis, and many other conditions that need to be considered on a case by case as there are clinical limitations. Each person’s situation will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis to determine if it is suitable for this milieu and this clinician.
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Not everyone likes the process of writing. Some people are more verbally inclined, so online therapy is not for those who are “talkers” and need to verbalize their thoughts and experiences in order to work them out. If you fit this category you should consider telephone or in office therapy.
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Major studies and research claim online counseling is as effective as in-office, but it is doubtful that is true for everyone.
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Diagnosis and help is only as good as the complete, honest information shared by the client – although this is an issue in face-to-face therapy also.
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You will receive at least 50 minutes of the therapist’s time each week to read and respond thoughtfully to your messages.
E-mail me today at: [email protected] for more information.
Sharon Valentino, http://www.valentinotherapy.com
What is Healthy Conflict in Your Relationship?
There is no relationship with no conflict.
You rationally know this, yet you want one without it.
We all do.
Conflict is a part of life and it doesn't have to be a problem. How you manage conflict in all your relationships can weaken or strengthen both you and the work or romantic relationship in question.
Romantic relationships are so important to us and yet are the ones we often don't take proper care of during conflict.
It's important to be sure there even is a problem because when you get emotional it's very easy to not truly hear what the other person is saying and even easier still not to understand what they meant to say.
Here is one way to head off an angry discussion from becoming a problem.
Always take a few deep breaths and then repeat back to your partner what you think you've heard. Don't do this in a demeaning or redundant manner, as that will irritate and most likely cause your partner to be less than open. It is often helpful to ask questions or state what you thought you heard as a question. You don't have to agree with your partner, just make sure you heard what s/he said. You might try some of these:
- "Let me be sure I understand….. Is that what you meant to say (or said)?"
- " I'm trying to be sure I heard you. Did you say that I say one thing and do another - or that I said I liked one thing last week and now I say I don't? That must be confusing, so I want to be sure what you meant."
- "I want to make sure I understand you. Did you say you are upset that I don't listen to you? Did you mean that? Or is that what we say to each when we don't do what the other wants? Let's try to understand and resolve this particular issue we are dealing with right now so it doesn't keep coming up, OK? I don't want us to fight about it again in 2 or 3 days". In this example you are clearly indicating it is a problem to be solved by you both, not one person giving in or one person being wrong or even misunderstanding each other.It takes time to become comfortable and to manage or resolve conflicts in relationships. Everyone has past relationships, fears, experiences, etc. that come back to cause trouble when things get irritating or tense. This may be about the past more than it is about your partner. Be patient. Be kind. It really pays off in happiness for you both.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT, Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Want A Satisfying Sex Life?
Think a satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship is hard to achieve and even harder to sustain?
Well – – it takes work, like anything, but it doesn’t have to be elusive.
It is far too common for sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships to take a nosedive. The good news is, we know what to do about it.
The bad news is many people are too lazy and complacent to follow through. As a couples therapist in Marin County, I see this often. An unsatisfying sex life can lead to anger, anxiety, depression and a host of other possible problems.
There have been a few replicated studies on a phenomenon called “sexual communal strength” and its impact on sexual satisfaction over time. It turns out that sexual communal strength is the one researched characteristic that makes or breaks a sex life. It is defined as “desire or willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs, even when different from your own preferences.”
Seems like common sense, but how many couples take this to heart and actually apply it?
In a sample of long-term couples (together for 11 years on average), researchers found people who were higher in sexual communal strength reported higher levels of daily sexual desire and were more likely to maintain their desire over time.
People who began the study with high sexual communal strength maintained sexual desire over the course of the research, and the people who started off with low sexual communal strength reported declining sexual desire.
When researchers asked study participants what this meant to them, some answers included: having sex with your partner when not entirely in the mood; pursuing sexual activities that your partner enjoys even if they are not your favorite; and taking strides to understand and meet your partner’s sexual fantasies.
The great thing is, none of the behaviors that represent sexual communal strength require a personality transplant or the acquisition of some amazing skill, and they certainly do not include doing anything you really don’t want to do or that hurts. The behaviors simply need willingness.
Are you and your partner willing to have sex even when you don’t feel like it?
Are you and your partner willing to pursue sexual activities that the other enjoys?
Are you and your partner willing to try to understand and meet the other’s sexual needs?
Do you talk about sex and what ask each other person particularly enjoys?
Answering these questions honestly, and discussing them with your partner, might be a good place to start if you are looking to improve your sex life.
Of course, pointing to “willingness” as the sole solution is very simplistic, and in many cases it is too simplistic.
I see many couples in my Sausalito, CA therapy practice who need to work through “barriers to willingness” before they are willing and able to improve their sexual communal strength.
Common barriers to willingness include:
Discomfort with sexuality
Discomfort with being vulnerable in the relationship
Withholding sex as a passive-aggressive maneuver
Willingness being clouded by disconnection or resentment
Depression or some forms of anxiety
Is there something getting in the way of your willingness?
Couples counseling or individual therapy may help you discover and break through any barriers to sexual communal strength.
Reference
Muise, A., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Desmarais, S. (in press). Keeping the spark alive: Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
[email protected],
415.215.5363
Web: http://www.valentinotherapy.com
You Need Mental Stregth to Succeed.
Are You Mentally Strong Engouh?
Do you struggle and lack success with exercising losing weight, stop drinking, or using?
Many of my clients in the San Francisco Bay Area, California have struggled with developing the mental strength to stop drinking, to date, to try for a better job, to break up with someone who doesn't treat them well enough and much more. You may have too.
Not being able to take the actions necessary in their lives for good health and happiness tends to lead to anxiety, depression, addiction and it weakens self-esteem.
Everyone knows how to build body strength but few really know how to build mental strength - which is off when it is so important. Like lifting weights, it takes practice and often the help of a trainer (in this case a therapist) to make appropriate or permanent gains in a safe manner. Developing mental muscle just takes practice in many cases.
My experience has shown that a key factor is taking control of your emotions and controlling unhelpful thoughts.
No one likes to feel uncomfortable.
However, healthy people can tolerate uncomfortable feelings! They've learned it isn't so difficult. It takes mindfulness to be aware of your unintended thoughts and practice managing them.
Emotional reactions to stress, impulsive actions and words, using substances - all signal that you may be not willing to just experience the feelings you are having and then calmly choosing the proper action, if any. Worse yet, you may not have been taught when you were quite young how to tolerate the feeling long enough for it to dissipate naturally.
In many cases, your reactions are increasing the discomfort even before you reach to alleviate it.
By acting out, or medicating the discomfort, you are insuring that it won't go away and you may have more undesirable behaviors and consequences to deal with on top of the original discomfort - meaning, you likely have made the situation worse by not dealing with the emotion.
Many people are tortured by their thoughts. They worry about relationships, break ups, addiction, aging, parenting difficult teens and pre-teens. They worry about insults and what they should have replied to someone. They worry about self-esteem, grief and loss and work related issues. These thoughts cause considerable discomfort.
It does not have to be this way.
I read that the Lab of Neuro Imaging's scientists have said that we have about 70,000 thoughts per day. It is your job to use your mind (not vice versa) to control and direct your thoughts so that they cause you contentment, by replacing negative ruminations and negative thoughts with realistic, more positive ones.
There's an old saying that goes, "What you think about all day - you become."
And...worse yet, "What you think about all day - you achieve."
We are all programming ourselves every day, every hour to have positive, achievable thoughts or negative thoughts telling us things and people are terrible, that we are failing, that we are not doing well enough.
Being kind and honest (not critical and exaggerating faults) to ourselves is not so hard to do - but it is critical to happiness.
I've drawn graphs in these blogs before to show that discomfort looks like a mountain with a steep climb upwards, but when it (the emotion) peaks, the other side of the mountain is more of a gentle downward slope, not so hard to deal with as you feel it lessening more and more.
What does this mean? If you just tolerate and feel the emotion, it will peak and slide down the other side of the hill, releasing the tension as it goes. This happens naturally if you don't dwell on the negative, feed the negative, building the negative up even more with body tension and ruminations.
If you do nothing but just acknowledge it, "see it" as the Buddhists' say, and do nothing to increase it or medicate it, it will subside on its own.
I've also written many times to be aware of your thoughts and when you are in the midst of negative, unhelpful thoughts to imagine a red stop sign and shout STOP! This gives you about 2 to 8 seconds into which you must insert a compelling alternative thought or the original is likely to come right back. Good examples are: Where is the key to storage? What do I need from the grocery store? Etc. Put your brain to work - to good use.
You own your mind and its thoughts. It does not own you.
This is the very best way, in my opinion, to control your life and build the mental strength to achieve your goals in your personal and professional lives.
Your thoughts greatly impact your life and your happiness. You are unlikely to be truly happy or achieve your goals until you control your thoughts.
I'm often tired and hungry on the way home from work, usually needing to answer many e-mail and online counseling clients as soon as I arrive. I drive through Sausalito, Mill Valley, sometimes Tiburon and belvedere, passing through some of the highest rated restaurants and acclaimed take out opportunities imaginable. I don't have to tell you of the convenience my thoughts try to torture me with constantly. However, I know these fabulous foods are so tasty because of the extra salt, butter, olive oil, etc. and are loaded with calories that I don't need after sitting all day. If I gave into these very strong thoughts at very hungry times even most days, I would weigh 200 pounds. My health, happiness and energy would deteriorate.
We all have only so many days and years remaining. We all have only so much energy. If we choose to waste it by not developing strength – mentally and physically, then we are wasting our lives. I think we are here to be happy, to learn lessons and to help others.
Start by helping yourself.
Here is my favorite thing you can do (among a host of other aids) that brings quick help in enabling you to feel better and be willing to seriously address feelings of depression that might delay your resolve to control your thoughts.
Many people with depressive feelings have low serotonin levels, as many in the US do, even in the sunnier states.
Directly quoting Psychology Today, “UV always gets a bad rap, because too much of it can lead to skin cancer. However, UV is important because UV light absorbed through your skin produces Vitamin D. Vitamin D plays many roles in your body, including promoting serotonin production.” To prevent skin cancer and sunburn during the summer months, use sunscreen. Do not sit inside just because of this. Go outside and absorb the sun and get Vitamin D. In return, your serotonin levels will also increase, and your mood and depression levels will be better managed, as well.
According to Psychology Today, “In numerous studies exercise has been shown to increase both serotonin production and release. In particular, aerobic exercises, like running and biking, are the most likely to boost serotonin. Make exercise an essential part of your routine. The biggest problem with exercise is that when people don’t feel like doing it, they don’t do it. But sometimes the reason they don’t feel like doing it is because their serotonin activity is low, and they’d rather pig out on chips or watch TV. So it’s important to go against what you’re feeling at the moment, and remind yourself of what’s important to you.”
What have you got to lose?
None of these idea is outrageous, expensive or very difficult and they will definitely improve your life.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Mindfulness Can Transform Your Life.
Many of my clients have into my office in Sausalito through the years unhappy about so many different things. Some said they can’t get anything done, can’t manage their stress or stressors, constantly lose things, or lose their temper and their families are reacting negatively towards these anxiety states. Some medicate these feelings with food, exercise, alcohol or drugs, all of which tend to add more problems, or addiction, atop the original ones. The cause is often a mild or profound lack of mindfulness.
People who are most anxious or short fused or forgetful seem to be the ones who operate “not in the present”. They are thinking about so many things that are not what they are doing, experiencing or supposed to be doing or dealing with at that moment.
I have several clients at this time who are suffering from the consequences of not being mindful, so when I ran across some readings by Thich Nhat Hanh (who is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, poet, scholar, and human rights activist, who was nominated by Martin Luther King, Jr. for the Nobel Peace Prize) his words rang both current and meaningful.
“Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.” By Thich Nhat Hanh, August 23, 2010
“Our true home is not in the past. Our true home is not in the future. Our true home is in the here and the now. Life is available only in the here and the now, and it is our true home.
Mindfulness is the energy that helps us recognize the conditions of happiness that are already present in our lives. You don’t have to wait ten years to experience this happiness. It is present in every moment of your daily life. There are those of us who are alive but don’t know it. But when you breathe in, and you are aware of your in-breath, you touch the miracle of being alive. That is why mindfulness is a source of happiness and joy. Mindfulness is when you are truly there, mind and body together. You breathe in and out mindfully, you bring your mind back to your body, and you are there. When your mind is there with your body, you are established in the present moment. Then you can recognize the many conditions of happiness that are in you and around you, and happiness just comes naturally. Mindfulness practice should be enjoyable, not work or effort. Do you have to make an effort to breath in? You don’t need to make an effort. To breathe in, you just breathe in. Suppose you are with a group of people contemplating a beautiful sunset. Do you have to make an effort to enjoy the beautiful sunset? No, you don’t have to make any effort. You just enjoy it.” By Thich Naht Hanh, date unknown.
A few of my clients have been so severely challenged in just leaving their home or office that they forget their keys or the work they needed to take or something else critical that should have been attended to. I’ve suggested for some to practice Very Practical Mindfulness by saying to themselves, “I am leaving now. I am leaving now with all the things I need to take. I am leaving now. I am leaving now with all the things I need to take.” This causes concentration on what you need to have with you by saying it again and again until you are out the door or in your car, or where ever, which tends to crowd out unwanted, unhelpful distracting thoughts – until you have accomplished what you needed to. It is the essence of just doing one thing at a time – doing it very well, with no stress, just naturally paying attention to the one thing you should be attending to. I’m told this simple exercise has helped many to ground themselves to the present moment and the present task.
Others report they have so much stress and anxiety from so many different areas that they are overwhelmed on a daily basis. While there are many clinical ways to address this severe state of being, you could start by a variation of the above exercise by saying, “I am calmly handling this one thing first. I am only handling this one priority thing first. I am calmly handling this one thing first. I am only handling this one priority thing first.”
It also helps each day to just select the two most important things that need to be accomplished that day. Just two. Then only handle those two most important tasks before anything else. If you get side tracked later with stress or lack of mindfulness, you have at least taken care of the two very most important things that needed to be addressed. You’d be surprised how much of real importance can be accomplished in this manner, instead of letting stress and lack of mindfulness hijack your day, your serenity and your happiness. Just allow those two things to have your undivided attention until concluded and you will feel much lighter the rest of the day. Try it. What have you got to lose?
When you do this – breathing and concentrating just on one thing at a time – your concentration and your mindfulness become very powerful. You feel stronger and more peaceful. An analogy is when a client is in session with me, the concentration on themselves and what they want to work on is fully concentrated only on them. When this attention of two people working together to improve an issue in mindful concentration is present, you have an opportunity to make a break though, achieve powerful insight, and to understand you own nature (and perhaps that of others in your life), which is a major way in which therapy is so helpful and often life changing.
Just breathe. It’s easy. No rules. Just calmly in and out. Then decide what it most important to be done and mindfully do just that. You will be surprised at the difference this will make in your life.
If you become committed to practicing mindfulness each time you find yourself feeling stressed, you can quickly start to transform your life.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
Why It’s So Hard to Be Around Judgmental People & What to Do About It
“Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman
“I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.” – anonymous
Actually, we know that few people want to spend time around people who are judgmental (but they often do not). It makes us uncomfortable. We sense the judgment, even from the unspoken body language and facial expressions. It is not pleasant for anyone and relationships, especially romantic ones with healthy individuals, are not likely to last very long. Critical people are very draining.
Famed psychologist, Carl Rogers said that people have a positive growth force that is stunted from reaching its potential when you are around judgmental people. Rogers also said that psychotherapy is successful only if the therapist shows a genuine nonjudgmental, positive regard for each client. That was a new concept at the time after the decades of Freud’s influence.
Many of us have a hard time not being automatically judgmental if we experienced it to a high degree ourselves when young. I grew up with a highly judgmental mother, which she learned at the knee of her own mother, who vigorously criticized her husband in front of the family.
Parents can be in a double bind when trying to help their children grow in healthy directions yet must nurture their freedom as well. Many years ago when my daughter was quite small, her school introduced us parents to the idea of saying, “That was a poor choice.”, rather than the many other things that might be said when a child is acting out and you are upset or exhausted. This was to replace “bad”, “naughty”, etc.
I’ve had many very judgmental clients who almost destroyed their marriages and relationships by being relentlessly critical, yet claiming they were just being helpful or even being discerning, or worse yet…just trying to improve the relationship.
Many people have no idea that they are actually being judgmental and driving others away because:
- Sadly our society thrives on criticism. Just look at the most popular TV shows where fashions & behaviors are criticized, performance in business (Trump’s & start up business ideas), eating out, team and individual sports. Magazines do this to a very high degree as well. Our schools certainly judge by grading and few students graduate unscathed by the criticisms of peers.
- People different from us are judged, especially by the color of their skin or religion.
- Criticizing others gives you a boost to how you feel about yourself, whether you realize that at the time or not. You may feel a little better if someone else is lesser.
The problem some of my past clients didn’t grasp was that they were very critical of other people based on their actions – yet they chose to judge themselves based on their own intentions, not actions. What could possibly go wrong?
Those who inwardly felt they were lacking, damaged, or not good enough tended to believe they weren’t so bad after all if they could see and point out that others were bad or even worse. This can feed a sense of relief from the inner stress of being “less than”. In order for them to be right, someone else has to be wrong. And usually, those lesser folks have to be told they are wrong in order for the judgmental to find a measure of peace.
We can become morally superior and that is VERY hard for others to be around, in fact, this particular morality rating is leaning in the direction to favor our own behaviors and disdain those of others. Our country seems to veering on that very destructive path.
When you jump to moral conclusions about others, then what can you do but believe the worst of them. Why not point it out and be “helpful”? Or express your anger about it?
In my office when a husband, for example, is angry that his wife is doing something that makes him angry, I don’t often hear that the action is bad – but rather that she is bad. By inference then, he is better than she is, or at least not as bad as she is. It is hard for a relationship to recover from that. It is hard for her to feel good about herself and it becomes hard for her to love or feel safe around him the way she’d like to.
Judgmental people tend to believe the worst about others, which distorts who they really are, and which makes it hard to have truly open, sharing, caring or even loving relationships. It’s hard to hold onto friends, or to have very many. It’s hard to be truly sympathetic to others. It’s hard all around – for everyone. It doesn’t have to be.
Being judgmental can quickly slip into hypocrisy, and that very hard to live with behavior – self-righteousness, moral condemnation and superiority.
A study in Social Psychology & Personality Science found that judgmental people had higher levels of depression, anxiety and stress-related illnesses. No surprise.
SO HOW DO YOU STOP?
To rid yourself of judgmental behavior you can start to be mindful. You control your mind and your thoughts – not vice versa. Observe your thoughts, practice thought stopping and immediately substitute an entirely different, positive thought about a very different topic.
If you try to learn something about yourself from the other person by awareness of your reaction to them, your own life can change for the better. You can learn endless amounts of valuable information by getting to know someone else, their background, interests, culture, etc. I’ve learned so much from my own clients over the years about such a variety of topics and interests that my life has been greatly enhanced. Yours can be too.
You can’t change anyone. You can only change yourself. But you can accept yourself and you can accept others because as even the Pope said, “Who am I to judge?” Well…..
Why should you make this effort and constantly monitor your negative thoughts of others? Because your life and your relationships will improve immeasurably.
SO HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE?
You can stay far away from them, as most people are inclined to do, or if you can’t, then here are just a few coping mechanisms.
- Don’t believe what they are saying about you.
- Try to have compassion because they are generally very unhappy people – often lonely too.
- Consider them as you would a child who just hasn’t learned or matured yet and let some things go.
- Look beyond the obvious as to what they are really upset about, if you can.
- Do not take their criticisms personally – it’s up to you decide what you want to improve on and if there is even some validity to what they are saying.
- Don’t sink to their level as the tension will only escalate.
- Be assertive and kind – but firm about not wanting to have the discussion.
- Say their behavior is hurtful, unnecessary and not something you want to be around.
- If all else fails, you may have to avoid them, or leave them, to retain your self-esteem and solid sense of self.
- Life doesn’t have to be so hard. Get support. Therapy can help.
Please consider following this blog, follow me on Facebook or check my web which is FILLED with a great deal of information that may help you and those you care about.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
[email protected], 415.215.5363
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