"I want to make sure I understand you. Did you say you are upset that I don't listen to you? Did you mean that? Or is that what we say to each when we don't do what the other wants? Let's try to understand and resolve this particular issue we are dealing with right now so it doesn't keep coming up, OK? I don't want us to fight about it again in 2 or 3 days". In this example you are clearly indicating it is a problem to be solved by you both, not one person giving in or one person being wrong or even misunderstanding each other.It takes time to become comfortable and to manage or resolve conflicts in relationships. Everyone has past relationships, fears, experiences, etc. that come back to cause trouble when things get irritating or tense. This may be about the past more than it is about your partner. Be patient. Be kind. It really pays off in happiness for you both.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT, Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Want A Satisfying Sex Life?
Think a satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship is hard to achieve and even harder to sustain?
Well – – it takes work, like anything, but it doesn’t have to be elusive.
It is far too common for sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships to take a nosedive. The good news is, we know what to do about it.
The bad news is many people are too lazy and complacent to follow through. As a couples therapist in Marin County, I see this often. An unsatisfying sex life can lead to anger, anxiety, depression and a host of other possible problems.
There have been a few replicated studies on a phenomenon called “sexual communal strength” and its impact on sexual satisfaction over time. It turns out that sexual communal strength is the one researched characteristic that makes or breaks a sex life. It is defined as “desire or willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs, even when different from your own preferences.”
Seems like common sense, but how many couples take this to heart and actually apply it?
In a sample of long-term couples (together for 11 years on average), researchers found people who were higher in sexual communal strength reported higher levels of daily sexual desire and were more likely to maintain their desire over time.
People who began the study with high sexual communal strength maintained sexual desire over the course of the research, and the people who started off with low sexual communal strength reported declining sexual desire.
When researchers asked study participants what this meant to them, some answers included: having sex with your partner when not entirely in the mood; pursuing sexual activities that your partner enjoys even if they are not your favorite; and taking strides to understand and meet your partner’s sexual fantasies.
The great thing is, none of the behaviors that represent sexual communal strength require a personality transplant or the acquisition of some amazing skill, and they certainly do not include doing anything you really don’t want to do or that hurts. The behaviors simply need willingness.
Are you and your partner willing to have sex even when you don’t feel like it?
Are you and your partner willing to pursue sexual activities that the other enjoys?
Are you and your partner willing to try to understand and meet the other’s sexual needs?
Do you talk about sex and what ask each other person particularly enjoys?
Answering these questions honestly, and discussing them with your partner, might be a good place to start if you are looking to improve your sex life.
Of course, pointing to “willingness” as the sole solution is very simplistic, and in many cases it is too simplistic.
I see many couples in my Sausalito, CA therapy practice who need to work through “barriers to willingness” before they are willing and able to improve their sexual communal strength.
Common barriers to willingness include:
Discomfort with sexuality
Discomfort with being vulnerable in the relationship
Withholding sex as a passive-aggressive maneuver
Willingness being clouded by disconnection or resentment
Depression or some forms of anxiety
Is there something getting in the way of your willingness?
Couples counseling or individual therapy may help you discover and break through any barriers to sexual communal strength.
Reference
Muise, A., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Desmarais, S. (in press). Keeping the spark alive: Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
[email protected], 415.215.5363
Web: http://www.valentinotherapy.com
You Need Mental Stregth to Succeed.
Are You Mentally Strong Engouh?
Do you struggle and lack success with exercising losing weight, stop drinking, or using?
Many of my clients in the San Francisco Bay Area, California have struggled with developing the mental strength to stop drinking, to date, to try for a better job, to break up with someone who doesn't treat them well enough and much more. You may have too.
Not being able to take the actions necessary in their lives for good health and happiness tends to lead to anxiety, depression, addiction and it weakens self-esteem.
Everyone knows how to build body strength but few really know how to build mental strength - which is off when it is so important. Like lifting weights, it takes practice and often the help of a trainer (in this case a therapist) to make appropriate or permanent gains in a safe manner. Developing mental muscle just takes practice in many cases.
My experience has shown that a key factor is taking control of your emotions and controlling unhelpful thoughts.
No one likes to feel uncomfortable.
However, healthy people can tolerate uncomfortable feelings! They've learned it isn't so difficult. It takes mindfulness to be aware of your unintended thoughts and practice managing them.
Emotional reactions to stress, impulsive actions and words, using substances - all signal that you may be not willing to just experience the feelings you are having and then calmly choosing the proper action, if any. Worse yet, you may not have been taught when you were quite young how to tolerate the feeling long enough for it to dissipate naturally.
In many cases, your reactions are increasing the discomfort even before you reach to alleviate it.
By acting out, or medicating the discomfort, you are insuring that it won't go away and you may have more undesirable behaviors and consequences to deal with on top of the original discomfort - meaning, you likely have made the situation worse by not dealing with the emotion.
Many people are tortured by their thoughts. They worry about relationships, break ups, addiction, aging, parenting difficult teens and pre-teens. They worry about insults and what they should have replied to someone. They worry about self-esteem, grief and loss and work related issues. These thoughts cause considerable discomfort.
It does not have to be this way.
I read that the Lab of Neuro Imaging's scientists have said that we have about 70,000 thoughts per day. It is your job to use your mind (not vice versa) to control and direct your thoughts so that they cause you contentment, by replacing negative ruminations and negative thoughts with realistic, more positive ones.
There's an old saying that goes, "What you think about all day - you become."
And...worse yet, "What you think about all day - you achieve."
We are all programming ourselves every day, every hour to have positive, achievable thoughts or negative thoughts telling us things and people are terrible, that we are failing, that we are not doing well enough.
Being kind and honest (not critical and exaggerating faults) to ourselves is not so hard to do - but it is critical to happiness.
I've drawn graphs in these blogs before to show that discomfort looks like a mountain with a steep climb upwards, but when it (the emotion) peaks, the other side of the mountain is more of a gentle downward slope, not so hard to deal with as you feel it lessening more and more.
What does this mean? If you just tolerate and feel the emotion, it will peak and slide down the other side of the hill, releasing the tension as it goes. This happens naturally if you don't dwell on the negative, feed the negative, building the negative up even more with body tension and ruminations.
If you do nothing but just acknowledge it, "see it" as the Buddhists' say, and do nothing to increase it or medicate it, it will subside on its own.
I've also written many times to be aware of your thoughts and when you are in the midst of negative, unhelpful thoughts to imagine a red stop sign and shout STOP! This gives you about 2 to 8 seconds into which you must insert a compelling alternative thought or the original is likely to come right back. Good examples are: Where is the key to storage? What do I need from the grocery store? Etc. Put your brain to work - to good use.
You own your mind and its thoughts. It does not own you.
This is the very best way, in my opinion, to control your life and build the mental strength to achieve your goals in your personal and professional lives.
Your thoughts greatly impact your life and your happiness. You are unlikely to be truly happy or achieve your goals until you control your thoughts.
I'm often tired and hungry on the way home from work, usually needing to answer many e-mail and online counseling clients as soon as I arrive. I drive through Sausalito, Mill Valley, sometimes Tiburon and belvedere, passing through some of the highest rated restaurants and acclaimed take out opportunities imaginable. I don't have to tell you of the convenience my thoughts try to torture me with constantly. However, I know these fabulous foods are so tasty because of the extra salt, butter, olive oil, etc. and are loaded with calories that I don't need after sitting all day. If I gave into these very strong thoughts at very hungry times even most days, I would weigh 200 pounds. My health, happiness and energy would deteriorate.
We all have only so many days and years remaining. We all have only so much energy. If we choose to waste it by not developing strength – mentally and physically, then we are wasting our lives. I think we are here to be happy, to learn lessons and to help others.
Start by helping yourself.
Here is my favorite thing you can do (among a host of other aids) that brings quick help in enabling you to feel better and be willing to seriously address feelings of depression that might delay your resolve to control your thoughts.
Many people with depressive feelings have low serotonin levels, as many in the US do, even in the sunnier states.
Directly quoting Psychology Today, “UV always gets a bad rap, because too much of it can lead to skin cancer. However, UV is important because UV light absorbed through your skin produces Vitamin D. Vitamin D plays many roles in your body, including promoting serotonin production.” To prevent skin cancer and sunburn during the summer months, use sunscreen. Do not sit inside just because of this. Go outside and absorb the sun and get Vitamin D. In return, your serotonin levels will also increase, and your mood and depression levels will be better managed, as well.
According to Psychology Today, “In numerous studies exercise has been shown to increase both serotonin production and release. In particular, aerobic exercises, like running and biking, are the most likely to boost serotonin. Make exercise an essential part of your routine. The biggest problem with exercise is that when people don’t feel like doing it, they don’t do it. But sometimes the reason they don’t feel like doing it is because their serotonin activity is low, and they’d rather pig out on chips or watch TV. So it’s important to go against what you’re feeling at the moment, and remind yourself of what’s important to you.”
What have you got to lose?
None of these idea is outrageous, expensive or very difficult and they will definitely improve your life.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
Mindfulness Can Transform Your Life.
Many of my clients have into my office in Sausalito through the years unhappy about so many different things. Some said they can’t get anything done, can’t manage their stress or stressors, constantly lose things, or lose their temper and their families are reacting negatively towards these anxiety states. Some medicate these feelings with food, exercise, alcohol or drugs, all of which tend to add more problems, or addiction, atop the original ones. The cause is often a mild or profound lack of mindfulness.
People who are most anxious or short fused or forgetful seem to be the ones who operate “not in the present”. They are thinking about so many things that are not what they are doing, experiencing or supposed to be doing or dealing with at that moment.
I have several clients at this time who are suffering from the consequences of not being mindful, so when I ran across some readings by Thich Nhat Hanh (who is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, poet, scholar, and human rights activist, who was nominated by Martin Luther King, Jr. for the Nobel Peace Prize) his words rang both current and meaningful.
“Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.” By Thich Nhat Hanh, August 23, 2010
“Our true home is not in the past. Our true home is not in the future. Our true home is in the here and the now. Life is available only in the here and the now, and it is our true home.
Mindfulness is the energy that helps us recognize the conditions of happiness that are already present in our lives. You don’t have to wait ten years to experience this happiness. It is present in every moment of your daily life. There are those of us who are alive but don’t know it. But when you breathe in, and you are aware of your in-breath, you touch the miracle of being alive. That is why mindfulness is a source of happiness and joy. Mindfulness is when you are truly there, mind and body together. You breathe in and out mindfully, you bring your mind back to your body, and you are there. When your mind is there with your body, you are established in the present moment. Then you can recognize the many conditions of happiness that are in you and around you, and happiness just comes naturally. Mindfulness practice should be enjoyable, not work or effort. Do you have to make an effort to breath in? You don’t need to make an effort. To breathe in, you just breathe in. Suppose you are with a group of people contemplating a beautiful sunset. Do you have to make an effort to enjoy the beautiful sunset? No, you don’t have to make any effort. You just enjoy it.” By Thich Naht Hanh, date unknown.
A few of my clients have been so severely challenged in just leaving their home or office that they forget their keys or the work they needed to take or something else critical that should have been attended to. I’ve suggested for some to practice Very Practical Mindfulness by saying to themselves, “I am leaving now. I am leaving now with all the things I need to take. I am leaving now. I am leaving now with all the things I need to take.” This causes concentration on what you need to have with you by saying it again and again until you are out the door or in your car, or where ever, which tends to crowd out unwanted, unhelpful distracting thoughts – until you have accomplished what you needed to. It is the essence of just doing one thing at a time – doing it very well, with no stress, just naturally paying attention to the one thing you should be attending to. I’m told this simple exercise has helped many to ground themselves to the present moment and the present task.
Others report they have so much stress and anxiety from so many different areas that they are overwhelmed on a daily basis. While there are many clinical ways to address this severe state of being, you could start by a variation of the above exercise by saying, “I am calmly handling this one thing first. I am only handling this one priority thing first. I am calmly handling this one thing first. I am only handling this one priority thing first.”
It also helps each day to just select the two most important things that need to be accomplished that day. Just two. Then only handle those two most important tasks before anything else. If you get side tracked later with stress or lack of mindfulness, you have at least taken care of the two very most important things that needed to be addressed. You’d be surprised how much of real importance can be accomplished in this manner, instead of letting stress and lack of mindfulness hijack your day, your serenity and your happiness. Just allow those two things to have your undivided attention until concluded and you will feel much lighter the rest of the day. Try it. What have you got to lose?
When you do this – breathing and concentrating just on one thing at a time – your concentration and your mindfulness become very powerful. You feel stronger and more peaceful. An analogy is when a client is in session with me, the concentration on themselves and what they want to work on is fully concentrated only on them. When this attention of two people working together to improve an issue in mindful concentration is present, you have an opportunity to make a break though, achieve powerful insight, and to understand you own nature (and perhaps that of others in your life), which is a major way in which therapy is so helpful and often life changing.
Just breathe. It’s easy. No rules. Just calmly in and out. Then decide what it most important to be done and mindfully do just that. You will be surprised at the difference this will make in your life.
If you become committed to practicing mindfulness each time you find yourself feeling stressed, you can quickly start to transform your life.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
Why It’s So Hard to Be Around Judgmental People & What to Do About It
“Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman
“I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.” – anonymous
Actually, we know that few people want to spend time around people who are judgmental (but they often do not). It makes us uncomfortable. We sense the judgment, even from the unspoken body language and facial expressions. It is not pleasant for anyone and relationships, especially romantic ones with healthy individuals, are not likely to last very long. Critical people are very draining.
Famed psychologist, Carl Rogers said that people have a positive growth force that is stunted from reaching its potential when you are around judgmental people. Rogers also said that psychotherapy is successful only if the therapist shows a genuine nonjudgmental, positive regard for each client. That was a new concept at the time after the decades of Freud’s influence.
Many of us have a hard time not being automatically judgmental if we experienced it to a high degree ourselves when young. I grew up with a highly judgmental mother, which she learned at the knee of her own mother, who vigorously criticized her husband in front of the family.
Parents can be in a double bind when trying to help their children grow in healthy directions yet must nurture their freedom as well. Many years ago when my daughter was quite small, her school introduced us parents to the idea of saying, “That was a poor choice.”, rather than the many other things that might be said when a child is acting out and you are upset or exhausted. This was to replace “bad”, “naughty”, etc.
I’ve had many very judgmental clients who almost destroyed their marriages and relationships by being relentlessly critical, yet claiming they were just being helpful or even being discerning, or worse yet…just trying to improve the relationship.
Many people have no idea that they are actually being judgmental and driving others away because:
- Sadly our society thrives on criticism. Just look at the most popular TV shows where fashions & behaviors are criticized, performance in business (Trump’s & start up business ideas), eating out, team and individual sports. Magazines do this to a very high degree as well. Our schools certainly judge by grading and few students graduate unscathed by the criticisms of peers.
- People different from us are judged, especially by the color of their skin or religion.
- Criticizing others gives you a boost to how you feel about yourself, whether you realize that at the time or not. You may feel a little better if someone else is lesser.
The problem some of my past clients didn’t grasp was that they were very critical of other people based on their actions – yet they chose to judge themselves based on their own intentions, not actions. What could possibly go wrong?
Those who inwardly felt they were lacking, damaged, or not good enough tended to believe they weren’t so bad after all if they could see and point out that others were bad or even worse. This can feed a sense of relief from the inner stress of being “less than”. In order for them to be right, someone else has to be wrong. And usually, those lesser folks have to be told they are wrong in order for the judgmental to find a measure of peace.
We can become morally superior and that is VERY hard for others to be around, in fact, this particular morality rating is leaning in the direction to favor our own behaviors and disdain those of others. Our country seems to veering on that very destructive path.
When you jump to moral conclusions about others, then what can you do but believe the worst of them. Why not point it out and be “helpful”? Or express your anger about it?
In my office when a husband, for example, is angry that his wife is doing something that makes him angry, I don’t often hear that the action is bad – but rather that she is bad. By inference then, he is better than she is, or at least not as bad as she is. It is hard for a relationship to recover from that. It is hard for her to feel good about herself and it becomes hard for her to love or feel safe around him the way she’d like to.
Judgmental people tend to believe the worst about others, which distorts who they really are, and which makes it hard to have truly open, sharing, caring or even loving relationships. It’s hard to hold onto friends, or to have very many. It’s hard to be truly sympathetic to others. It’s hard all around – for everyone. It doesn’t have to be.
Being judgmental can quickly slip into hypocrisy, and that very hard to live with behavior – self-righteousness, moral condemnation and superiority.
A study in Social Psychology & Personality Science found that judgmental people had higher levels of depression, anxiety and stress-related illnesses. No surprise.
SO HOW DO YOU STOP?
To rid yourself of judgmental behavior you can start to be mindful. You control your mind and your thoughts – not vice versa. Observe your thoughts, practice thought stopping and immediately substitute an entirely different, positive thought about a very different topic.
If you try to learn something about yourself from the other person by awareness of your reaction to them, your own life can change for the better. You can learn endless amounts of valuable information by getting to know someone else, their background, interests, culture, etc. I’ve learned so much from my own clients over the years about such a variety of topics and interests that my life has been greatly enhanced. Yours can be too.
You can’t change anyone. You can only change yourself. But you can accept yourself and you can accept others because as even the Pope said, “Who am I to judge?” Well…..
Why should you make this effort and constantly monitor your negative thoughts of others? Because your life and your relationships will improve immeasurably.
SO HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE?
You can stay far away from them, as most people are inclined to do, or if you can’t, then here are just a few coping mechanisms.
- Don’t believe what they are saying about you.
- Try to have compassion because they are generally very unhappy people – often lonely too.
- Consider them as you would a child who just hasn’t learned or matured yet and let some things go.
- Look beyond the obvious as to what they are really upset about, if you can.
- Do not take their criticisms personally – it’s up to you decide what you want to improve on and if there is even some validity to what they are saying.
- Don’t sink to their level as the tension will only escalate.
- Be assertive and kind – but firm about not wanting to have the discussion.
- Say their behavior is hurtful, unnecessary and not something you want to be around.
- If all else fails, you may have to avoid them, or leave them, to retain your self-esteem and solid sense of self.
- Life doesn’t have to be so hard. Get support. Therapy can help.
Please consider following this blog, follow me on Facebook or check my web which is FILLED with a great deal of information that may help you and those you care about.
A NEW FEATURE: If you are a California resident you may be interested in online therapy, which is very affordable and available at your convenience, your timeframe, with no commute, childcare or other obligations to arrange. For more information please go to: http://www.valentinotherapy.com, click ME on the Home Page, then SERVICES, then ONLINE THERAPY.
Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.
Sharon Valentino, Valentino Therapy, CA LMFT, MA, ChT
Psychotherapist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (51746)
[email protected], 415.215.5363
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